britt... thank you so much! I did reach your thread yesterday. It was truly inspiring. I am not giving up. I know what we had, H does too... every time I dettach he comes forward. now i just have to be consistent and am really working hard on my 180 and GAL.
yesterday was a bit strange... H continually made the effort to text and contact me. We didnt tak about us, sometimes about the baby, actually we did talk a bit bout us,how people love to live our misery and tel our story and have no decency for respect and privacy. H actually said he felt bad that he told some friends things that I thought were private, no because they were secrets, but bc they were between him and me. he asked if he could come spend time w the dog. some of his texts were funny, like the H i fell in love with, and i put my best personality forward too. H also asked about going with me to birthing classes, etc, baby names. i tried to keep my cool and just be honest and say im not sure it would work for us, bc although i fully understand we are not getting back together, I am not sure I can push aside my feelings for him and have him there. He really wants to be a part of the baby's life and wrote me that he still cares for both of us.
Then last night out of the blue, he called the house. I felt like he had something to say, it was a bit random for him to call without having something specific to talk about. First time since he left he called to just talk. I let him do most of the talking since i can take over a conversation and talk to much, im working on myself! and he talked about his school, and new job that he starts in the fall, his life... it was nice to hear him just be and relax. I didnt once bring us up, and tried not to make it about the baby either. he asked about me and how i was and before long i noticed we were on the phone for over an hour. I realized that this is the friendship our relationship was built off of. We finished each others thoughts, had the same goals and views in life, we could talk for hours and hours, and we just were great together. I knew that. I wonder if he did. I know a lot of you may roll your eyes at this but H and I are truly soul mates... we always believed it. I know i was probably wrong in not hanging up or telling im i cant talk and I do have every intention in telling him next time this should happen that i can not be friends? how do I handle this? how do i make him see that i am not his friend and can not be there for him as one... i have told him over and over and over in the past 3 months that I want him as my husband, he wants to be friends, and there is no happy medium, so where does that leave us? lately i have agreed that this is maybe what is best for us. actually yesterday that was my first response to his texts, that i am learning to do this alone and i know i can, So then why did he call as if things were the way they were a year ago. I am not having any high expectations from the call and texts. As a matter of fact, i am trying to think of him calling, was just another friend. I am learning to tell myself that it happened and just as he dropped a bomb on me and told me he was leaving, he will have to drop a bigger bomb for me to ever think he wants back. im not sure he does. strange that he says he wants to go to birthing classes and move in when the baby is born to help me in the middle of the night etc. that he would help me financially etc. and yet you dont want to be married to me?
i am going to start re reading DB and DR. I have to find the stregnth to continue working on my 180. As hurt as i feel most of the time, and despite all the things he has said and done, I do not feel in my heart that this is the end. There... Ive said it. Its what i truly believe. Did you ever have something nagging inside of you and no matter what you do, this little voice tells you the truth... some call it a conscience, some call it intuition, some call it the truth that burns in your your heart, jiminy cricket on your shoulder, the answer from a higher power... well that voice tells me everytime i am down and every time i cry and even in the good days, to NEVER GIVE UP. I truly believe that H, if only he could open up his heart and mind to know that a) we have what it takes, that our love could conquer all b) we can start all over, doesnt have to be what we had, we can create something even better together starting now, then we could be more wonderful than ever before.
I am going about my day now. Going to do things for me. and not going to spend another minute (i hope) thinking of the phone call and texts. I am going to think about how I can get my life in order and work on myself.
