britt... thank you so much! I did reach your thread yesterday. It was truly inspiring. I am not giving up. I know what we had, H does too... every time I dettach he comes forward. now i just have to be consistent and am really working hard on my 180 and GAL.
yesterday was a bit strange... H continually made the effort to text and contact me. We didnt tak about us, sometimes about the baby, actually we did talk a bit bout us,how people love to live our misery and tel our story and have no decency for respect and privacy. H actually said he felt bad that he told some friends things that I thought were private, no because they were secrets, but bc they were between him and me. he asked if he could come spend time w the dog. some of his texts were funny, like the H i fell in love with, and i put my best personality forward too. H also asked about going with me to birthing classes, etc, baby names. i tried to keep my cool and just be honest and say im not sure it would work for us, bc although i fully understand we are not getting back together, I am not sure I can push aside my feelings for him and have him there. He really wants to be a part of the baby's life and wrote me that he still cares for both of us.
Then last night out of the blue, he called the house. I felt like he had something to say, it was a bit random for him to call without having something specific to talk about. First time since he left he called to just talk. I let him do most of the talking since i can take over a conversation and talk to much, im working on myself! and he talked about his school, and new job that he starts in the fall, his life... it was nice to hear him just be and relax. I didnt once bring us up, and tried not to make it about the baby either. he asked about me and how i was and before long i noticed we were on the phone for over an hour. I realized that this is the friendship our relationship was built off of. We finished each others thoughts, had the same goals and views in life, we could talk for hours and hours, and we just were great together. I knew that. I wonder if he did. I know a lot of you may roll your eyes at this but H and I are truly soul mates... we always believed it. I know i was probably wrong in not hanging up or telling im i cant talk and I do have every intention in telling him next time this should happen that i can not be friends? how do I handle this? how do i make him see that i am not his friend and can not be there for him as one... i have told him over and over and over in the past 3 months that I want him as my husband, he wants to be friends, and there is no happy medium, so where does that leave us? lately i have agreed that this is maybe what is best for us. actually yesterday that was my first response to his texts, that i am learning to do this alone and i know i can, So then why did he call as if things were the way they were a year ago. I am not having any high expectations from the call and texts. As a matter of fact, i am trying to think of him calling, was just another friend. I am learning to tell myself that it happened and just as he dropped a bomb on me and told me he was leaving, he will have to drop a bigger bomb for me to ever think he wants back. im not sure he does. strange that he says he wants to go to birthing classes and move in when the baby is born to help me in the middle of the night etc. that he would help me financially etc. and yet you dont want to be married to me?
i am going to start re reading DB and DR. I have to find the stregnth to continue working on my 180. As hurt as i feel most of the time, and despite all the things he has said and done, I do not feel in my heart that this is the end. There... Ive said it. Its what i truly believe. Did you ever have something nagging inside of you and no matter what you do, this little voice tells you the truth... some call it a conscience, some call it intuition, some call it the truth that burns in your your heart, jiminy cricket on your shoulder, the answer from a higher power... well that voice tells me everytime i am down and every time i cry and even in the good days, to NEVER GIVE UP. I truly believe that H, if only he could open up his heart and mind to know that a) we have what it takes, that our love could conquer all b) we can start all over, doesnt have to be what we had, we can create something even better together starting now, then we could be more wonderful than ever before.
I am going about my day now. Going to do things for me. and not going to spend another minute (i hope) thinking of the phone call and texts. I am going to think about how I can get my life in order and work on myself.
Everything sounds pretty good! You know, they say that when a couple fights passionately, it's a positive sign because they have feelings for each other. It's worse if they don't fight. He does not act like the kind of guy who recently served divorce papers.
I don't know what is best in the situation. I'm guessing a middle type of deal, where you offer him some support, but then get off the phone. I do agree that if he only wants to be friends and you don't, then there is an impasse. But I guess our assumption is that he DOES want to be more than just friends, but he doesn't realize it yet. It's tricky. The worst that can happen is fairly bad because you can continue to hurt. But it may be worth the risk.
Keep us updated! Stay strong and GALing!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
hellooo. Good to see you are keeping the faith, BD. I guess we all lose it, find it, relose it, refind it. Seems to be the pattern around here :-) Seems to me you had a good conversation. I liked what you said: "although I fully understand we are not getting back together, I am not sure I can push aside my feelings for him and have him there". honest, loving and boundary setting at the same time. Being the one to get off the phone first or ending texts, is a good thing. I think your H is going to be riding a rollercoaster of feelings - a lot of remourse and doubting - as the birth approaches. So expect him to start wanting more contact, which meeans you really need to hone your boundaries based on your values and being true and caring to yourself. You need to be the one in control, making the decisions, drawing the lines.
Dont feel silly about thinking of your H and vice versa as soulmates. You know the quality of what you had - it is real, you weren't imagining it.
The thing is your H is just not able to be in the marriage right now..for whatever reason .. and wants out. Let him go in order for him to come back..and my only last thought is don't let that good communication between you become a form of cake-eating..keep an eye on it. Does that sound harsh? I think you have to match your optimism/hope with a good plan and a bit strategy.
Puppy talks a lot about having a plan, and a backup plan. Maybe look up some of his posts.
DB, I know you are already underway with your detachment, but here's a little reminder for us all (eh-hem, thinking of me here and the months -MONTHS- of damage I did). Hope it helps to remind us all about why it's important to let them go & not argue with them. (Allen A just posted this one another thread)
"1. Do NOT argue with your spouse when they are wayward, this just STRENGTHENS their resolve.
When you push them, they argue and they HEAR themselves SAY
"I am done" "Our marriage is over" "I am in love"
etc
When YOU ARGUE and THEY counter with the usual stuff above (its classic script we have all heard it) you ALLOW them to CONVINCE THEMSELVES...
Each time they HEAR that they get MORE and MORE sure of themselves... have you ever heard the concept about VERBALIZING your goals to strengthen yourself? Say it so you HEAR it and then you FEEL it?
That's exactly what you do when you argue with a wayward, you HELP THEM FEEL BETTER about AVOIDING YOU. Why would you feel that strategy of theirs? You are just doing a LOT of DAMAGE to your MARRIAGE.
you make YOUR JOB much HARDER when you argue.. so STOP that right away!
2. Do NOT PURSUE your SPOUSE... it just scares them off.. and arguing IS PURSUIT
3. IGNORE what your spouse tells you. I am done, we are over, our marriage is over, I want a divorce, we have ALL HEARD this stuff, its classic script... pay it NO HEED.. this advice is RIGHT out of MWD DIVORCE REMEDY BOOK."
He goes on, but it's more for dealing with WAH with OW.
HELP!!! H and I communicated to discuss some insurance issues yesterday and he was very nice and asked how i was feeling, etc. and in conversation said i care for you very much, I would do anything for you. WHAT!!!!
throughout the day there were some texts back and forth, nothing with anger actually more pleasant. in the efforts of trying to state my ground... again... i sent a text saying i cant be friends... my heart doesnt know how to stop feeling what it feels! he then replied back several time with ok. then why not, then i dont understand whey we cant be and then... LAst night I get a text, Can i stop by to feel the baby kick if you are home! so he came over and we chatted and hung out for an hour and a half!
WHAT IS THAT!!!! Was i wrong for saying yes? needless to say baby did not move once while he was around! but he was caring, did a few things around the house that involved heavy lifting, without me asking. he touched my belly so many times and talked to the baby. rolled around on the floor with the dog. we talked we laughed... moments with a few tears. we looked at the baby gifts and clothes i accumulated and laughed. he looked so happy. we got along so great... a few times i said well baby is not moving, you can go home i guess... and he would say no thats ok. and he was content being there with me. it was so nice... when he got home (we live 3 minutes apart) he sent me a text saying thanks for letting me come over, i know it can be hard on you? and then going into asking is the baby moving now? knew i shouldnt have left, etc.
So which is it? Is he starting to have thoughts and wants to see what life could be like if he wiggles his way back and work on our M? or is it him wanting to be friends... or just claim his role in the baby's life as a D. i am very honest about letting him know i cant be with him any other way than his W, and being friends is not an option. is he just mega confused and doesnt know what he wants either?!?!?!??
was thinking of sending him an email and saying i was happy to see you last night. I am not sure it was the right thing as you know how i feel about you. and i clearly can not be friends with you. if you are confused or dont know what you are feeling i wish you would say so. if you have a 1% feeling that you would like to try then i would risk it all, and start by being friends, but if not i dont think its going to work for me that we hang out as friends (said he wants to stop back another night)
HELP!!! I am telling myself to have LOW EXPECTATIONS and JUST BE. I am trying to be upbeat and positive and even put some lipgloss on last night and was smiling and charming last night and spruced up a bit, didnt want H to find me looking shleppy!
Wow, there's so much confusion! He doesn't know what he wants, you don't know what he wants. . . but you're hanging out together. I don't even know what to think, really!
Option 1 (here's the analyzer in me): He is cake-eating. He just wants to be friends and doesn't want to be the "bad guy." And he thinks that's the road the two of you are taking.
Option 2: He's on his way back. And you should be attractive and positive if you want him back. But cautious.
I don't know if there are any more options. . .
But I guess I think this. If it is option 2, I would up my requirements of him for reconciliation. In a private journal (or here!) think of what you want from him in order to feel like you are back together. For me, it's about a year of MC. Really. I need the time to rebuild trust. And I think it sets the foundation for a more solid relationship in the future.
I guess I also think you should define your boundaries. Is it okay with you if he is cake eating now with the possibility of actually coming back later? If it's not, then it's got to be clear.
This is really hard, BD! You ultimately know what's best for you guys, but these are some initial thoughts I have.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
Thanks G. I am being very cautious. I amnot making anything of it just yet. very unlike what i thought i would be like. i figure worse case scenario is i am right back to where i have been, but perhaps a bit stronger knowing that i stated my ground on not being friends. If he should want to come back, then i guess i will have to wait and see what the next steps are. i am also preparing myself for him to backslide and pull away.
As for the DBing, it definitely is proven with my H and I that when i back off and state my ground that he loosens up and comes forward. Everything turned for me when he served me with D papers and I said I refused to sign them because a) dont believe in D and b) am being selfish and taking care of me and the pregnancy.
So will continue DBing and see what happens.
I couldnt help but giggle when i found myself scrounging for a brush to fix my hair and apply makeup touches to make H think I was naturally glowing and happy when he popped over. naturally i felt better about myself and laughed and smiled, and was just plain me. Didnt go overboard or look forced. I was just happy i guess... for whatever it was worth.
I'm glad that you feel happy. I'm sure you are beautiful pregnant lady! Hope you and baby are feeling terrific.
BTW, I would NOT send a text back to him. but that's just me. I feel that by reciprocating the sentiment is like a test. He is testing you to see if he still has his hooks in you.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
THA, thanks... i a not contacting him anymore. i hate to say this but a huge part of me thinks he is just using me... and i dont have time to backtrack and go through the stages of emotions anymore.
you are right... he is just testing me to see that he still has hooks in me.
