I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

All,

It has a been a few weeks since I closed my thread and trust me I needed the time. Time to accept the advice that everyone was giving me. Time to begin the TRUE healing process. Time to really do the work. Time to REALLY LET GO.

I feel much better, I feel like things are much clearly. I know where I stand. I feel stronger. I should have detached a while ago but as most of you know this is easier said then done. I feel again - I feel my heart, my love, my fears. I feel everthing in all of it's glory. I now understand that....

1) I cannot control another. To do so, actually forces more grief to come my way.
2) Pain is needed in order to grow
3) Healing can only come with pain
4) Abandoment sucks if you run from it but run towards it and wow you really begin to discover things about yourself.
5) Feelings tend to be temporary yet we often project them as final.
6) Okay no laughing....shi* i was pretty f-up for a while
7) Grace is a wonderful thing
8) Changes take time, especially if they are true changes
9) Finding oneself is both a painful and uplifting experience. One that we often subconsionly fight.
10) I am human and will change and grow forever!
11) I am one hell of a dad
12) I was not the greatest husband - because I never realized the issues that i had in me that were never dealt with. Yeah..yeah..we talk about them, we mention them to folks but it is only we really look deep into our being that we find the root cause of the issue and can then put ourselves in a position to change/fix it.

I am in a much better place right..an interesting place..a place of self discovery... a place of peace (or as much peace as one can expect given what we live with).

So what has been going on in my R.

I continue to remain in the family room (no Jack I did not pick up the new pull out with the beer cup holders :)), I am detached and really for the first time focus on ME and my kids. The house seems somewhat peaceful. Everyone has kind of settled in there roles. W has been a bit more "accessable" - not that we have any R talks and our conversation are very brief..She does say things like "have a good day" or "good night". About two weeks ago we had a pleasent conversation about my oldest. The convo remained focused on the kids.

All in all, I think that W may be working on "co-parenting", which is good for kids. She appears to be trying to spend a little more time with them.

The interesting thing is that she has said things like "you look handsome today" (said it this morning) or "you smell nice". I find these comments interesting but I DO NOT allow them to force me back to the old habit of thinkin that "she is comming out of it". No way..I'm staying focused on me. I believe that OM is still in the picture but other than trying to deal with the anger about him (when it comes to my mind) I really just focus on myself. I now understand that this is a long journey a journey for both her and I.

I do have one question to those wise dbers out there...how do I respond to those you look nice comments? I think I should just say thank you. Do I also comment on how she looks? Probably not but figured I would ask. Also, since the blow up about the OM, I wonder if she thinks that I am "ok" with it since we are being somewhat pleasent. Is this normal?

Eric