New year, new thread, update of sorts..

[dmkdmkdmk]

I feel much better over the past couple of days. Not so angry, just sad. I know the D is the right move for me right now. If I keep hanging on, I'll keep getting sucked back in every time H runs back and forth between us and his new life. And it's not good for the kids or me. Let OW have him for a while, and see if she wants to deal with his manipulation and lies and depression. I think she'll find too, eventually, that he has little regard for anything except that which makes him feel good about himself. I told him to get some help, and hopefully he will so that he can be a good and functional dad to the kids.

Although I'm not as angry, it was very difficult to try to make conversation with H when I picked up the kids yesterday. I don't feel the need to make small talk with him any more.

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm the one rewriting history... but now I remember so many things -

-When I was 20, my gpa was dying, and I asked him to come over and watch TV with me because I wanted to stay at home with my family - he wanted to go out drinking with his friends because "that wasn't want he felt like doing on a friday night" He didn't go to the funeral because he didn't really know him (we had been dating for over a year).

-When my brother had his first brain surgery - I waited for him to meet me at the hospital so we could go out together afterwards but I had to pick him up, drunk, at a bar (by 7pm). Because HE doesn't like hospitals.

Little things like that, every so often - and things got much better when we were married, and during the first pregnancy and right after he got back from basic training - and then things started getting difficult again when my brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in 08.

When I'd get mad, he'd be sorry. He'd promise to act better, and then he would for a while, and then something else would happen. And that's what our relationship is in my mind now. Me crying and saying "I would never have done this to you!" for ten years.