I just had a conversation with my dad and he basically said all the things Allen said. I am VERY skeptical of the entire conversation with husband now that I had time to sleep and think it over. I do want my marriage but I don't want to be manipulated again and my dad pointed out that husband probably said all those things so that it wouldn't be awkard between him and I at our son's bday party. Remember that no one in his family besides his mom and none of his friends even know that we are separated. So I am going to see how it plays out with him over the next few weeks and months. However, I feel that eventually I will have to throw my cards in and play and see how it turns out.
So my plan is this (and yes I would like feedback):
1. Ask my FT for a recommendation of a FT or IC in husband's area. My FT used to work in the state/city where husband currently lives so I figure he might have some recommendations.
2. Give husband the recommended FT's number and then that will be all the "work" I will put in. Tell husband that it is up to him to get help.
3. Stay dim/dark with husband until he has at least a good 2 months in therapy and starts to recognize the damage that he really caused (btw Allen, I got the same message during husband's talk that he JUST DOESN'T GET IT). I will continue to focus on my son and my new business. THis seems to be what got husband's attention too. So I will continue to do what works.
4. Stay at my parent's house for the next 5 months (I don't think I can make it for 6months...actually 5 months is gonna be a struggle!)Re-evaluate things with my husband after that amount of time.
So any other steps I should add? Oh and I like the line that Allen used so I will tell that to husband the next time we have a talk or through email "You have serious work to do and once you have done that work I will see where we stand regarding our marriage and working things out."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I just read your posting...I appreciate your thoughts as well and can see what you are saying but in the end I do believe that IF my husband puts in ALOT of WORK then he can improve and have healthy relationships. Its going to be WORK. I have thought about honestly letting it go but no matter what future relationship I get in with another man there will ALWAYS be some risk. I at least owe it to my son to see if his father is willing to do some HARD work to keep our family. No this is probably the hard path and if we weren't married I can honestly say that I would have rather cut my losses, suffered through a breakup, and then moved on without this. I don't know how to ever trust him again but I can't even cross that road right now. I haven't even began to THINK about trust. Even with a transparency plan I don't know.
Oh and one other step I forgot to mention is I need husband to file for joint custody of his son with OW, set up CS through the courts, and set up a visitation schedule through the courts. I feel more comfortable with this because everything is laid out through the courts and it eliminates all the back and forth between OW and husband negotiating with each other about the child. This is also a first requirement. If he balks at this request then I will KNOW that he isn't anywhere near serious.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
4luv, Of course your life your decisions... I totally wish you the best in that regard. I hope he does the work, your worth it.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I need to make myself clear though...Last night was JUST words. I am NOT delusional. My dad who has been my rock has made this clear to me and has basically said the things that you and Allen have voiced. I know that I get all mushy when it comes to my husband so for my own safety I will heed the advice of my dad and the people on this board. I dont TRUST MYSELF at this point and that is why I write out EVERYTHING here because it is easier for others outside of your stitch to see what you can't see.
I don't plan on talking to husband today. As far as I am concerned I think it is better for me to act like yesterday's conversation NEVER happened. Yes it gives me hope that husband is not truly done with our marriage but that is it...it was just hopeful and wishful words. Nothing more, nothing less.
So its back to me focusing on my job, son, and my business. I hope that husband can join the ride but I am not going to COMPETE for him. I agree with Allen and I told husband this last night..."I don't believe you are done with OW."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Sorry for bumping but June I was reading your thread and was wondering if you could help me out with some advice. I want my M to work so much. I don't know if he is going through a MLC or not and I'm wondering if I wasted too much time on newcomers since it sounds like he is going through a MLC.
4luv, just had a thought. Have you looked at marriagebuilders.com. Their MB there has tons of sitch with OW with a child. How to deal with the issue. 2 methods decribed there- total NC or child is picked up with a 3rd party intermediary but the H and OW never ever have contact again. Everything is done through the lawyer. Lots of good insight.
Goodfight, sure I will take a peek. I am not an expert and I am not sure how good my advice will be. I have different thoughts than most here. I am not a "hard stander" (for lack of a better term)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
JUST got to the end of your thread. It occurs to me that H is asking YOU to break up with OW for him. Doesn't sound very mature. Perhaps I'm misreading?
If he balks at this request then I will KNOW that he isn't anywhere near serious.
Hi 4Luv,
You asked in the other thread... what do I do with the OW and child?
My sitch is slightly different because my H showed up while the OW was only 8 weeks pregnant... saying he'd made a mistake and wanted me to raise this child with him. That pregnancy was the longest pregnancy in history, I swear!
She had designs of moving in herself, the baby and the other 5 daemon spawns she's given birth to, into my H's and my home.
He ended up calling the cops on her (two weeks before the birth) when she showed up at 3 am, broke into the place and refused to leave, accusing my H of beating her up etc.
He called HER husband and told him to come get his #$%^&ing wife etc etc etc.
The contact has been minimal because she's terrified that I'll have access to that child and that we'll try to take it away from her.
I do think in time that the levy will break and she'll try to use the child to manipulate but as of now, it's been minimal.
You are right about what the husband does and doesn't do regarding the OW/child sitch of his own. Do remember though that fear is a funny thing, and it can make people do stuff or freeze and not do something because they fear the outcome. (EG, no access to the child etc). I dealt with that for 7 months and it was quite the wild ride.
best of luck Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
OK 4luv, it sounds like you are getting your senses back. I was afraid I was giong to have to resort to posting some of your past rants against your huband ... there are so many on here ...
June's got the idea 100% no contact, treat your H as if he's dead. Same with his son... he cna't show up in and out whenever he pleases. He can't just play DAD when the mood strikes him... he makes the commitment or not.
As far as therapy.
1. Tell your H he has to SHARE the SAME FT as YOU... I REALLY do NOT reccomend you two have two different FT's. That's not gonig to be very effecive. A FT works like a referee during a boxing match... if you have TWO REFEREES things get VERY CONFUSING... not to mention the FT's wont likley even COMMUNICATE...
I know your H is not local... well, that's a problem he's going to have to solve. Either he travels to the appointment, works with the FT over the phone, or moves closer.. its HIS PROBLEM. You set your hoop and leave it for him to jump or balk at.
2. No contact, no emails, no phone, no damn texting.
3. If you can't steel yourself when in real time with him, if he HAS to say something, email is the ONLY way you will hear him. And tell him your father is monitoring every email he sends.
Basically get him the professional help he needs, and then treat him as if he is dead.
if in six months your FT tells you there's some improvement and worth listening to him.. that's great. (Another reason for him to attend the same one as you.. just on different days to be safe)
