how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

things seem pretty hopeless with the H right now. but for the first time, i'm really starting to feel ok with that. i don't want that marriage back, anyway, and while i feel i did all i could to be supportive and understanding, there's only so much i can do. i do not want to be married to someone who does not want to fully commit 100% to making things work. i don't want to be married to someone who will continually put other people/things ahead of me in his life. i don't want to be married to someone who just keeps on walking away.

he is not the same. i don't want the old him, but i don't want this new him, either. he may come out of it, he may not, i don't know. but i can't and i won't wait around for that to happen.

i'll sign his agreement (once i have a L look over it) and i'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. this is a choice he will have to live with for the rest of his life, and i'm trying my best to see this as an opportunity to pursue my own destiny and to find what makes me happy.

i'm not saying i'm giving up entirely. i am still broken hearted. i am still grieving. but i feel like i am really, truly for the first time, letting go.