I get the distinct impression in my sitch that my W has to see the D all the way through before starting over (she says she has no OM and doesn;t want one, just wants time fro herself to heal and "become whole" and so forth.
So, I have to find out in time if (1) she means what she says and (2) I'm willing to keep trying after a D.
You're getting some sound advice. You know your H best, act accordingly, just try and put yourself in his shoes right now. What is your heart telling you he really wants at this point? If its more time, give it to him. If its freedom, blow off the continuance and pave the way for him to leave, thats the smartest thing you could do.
I can certainly understand you resisting out of not wanting anything to do a D you feel you're forced into. I'm in the same boat, and I don't feel its fair because I have no choice. But, thats the way it goes unfortunately, so you just try and accept it, let it happen if thats what he wants, and hope it turns around. it just might, but you have to let go of the need to control his decision, it only pushes thenm hopelessly away.
Do something you enjoy tonight and get your mind off the sitch.
I'd like to think we could date after this but as things stand now it's pretty nasty. He's horribly mad and upset, doesn't trust me. Thinks if we do get back together I'll just refile on him again. I just don't know how to build back trust with him once the d does go through. And I don't trust him because when we do date, he turns around and calls my attorney.
Maybe this will change once the d goes through...I just don't know. I do see a glimmer of hope in that even when it looked like things were their worst 2 weeks ago...he did call and ask me out.
Thanks. I'm going to wait a few days then ask him if he wants the d. I feel deep in my heart that he doesn't want the d but does not know how to trust me again. Every time we get together I do something that sets him off...this time it was not ANNOUNCING the arrival of the continuance via certified mail. I know he doesn't want the d but neither does he want to live with someone that may do this to him AGAIN (file for d). (He says he won't marry again...2 strikes are enough for him...but isn't breaking up with a long-time galfriend much the same pain wise just no assets involved like homes and children.?.)
I just don't know how to get back the trust I've lost with him. How can I do that now? or after the d?
Good questions both, and I'll give 'em my best shot (btw, you're getting some great advice here so hang in there and take what works best for YOU).
1) If in fact we D, I'll "move on" (which I've already been doing) as far as wondering and worrying about what may happen, BUT I'll be watching what happens. Will she really focus on herself and not be dating? That's what she said she wants to do after our D - grow and become "whole." Not your usual sitch around here where generally, the WAS is running off to be with the OP. I guess for me, it'll be waiting to see if there really isn't an OP or a desire on her part to have an OP right away. So, its wait and see.
2) I'll want to try even after the D so long as my heart feels that there's a chance she'd want to be married to me again. But as I said once a while ago on my thread, I think the odds are stacked against me feeling that way after the D goes through. That's why I've been fighting so hard for my M now. Couple of reasons I feel that way (even though I fight hard for my D3's sake too): Once the D is final, it's as if a real line of trust was crossed - the one where "for better or worse" was really walked away from... If they can do it once, what's to say they won't do it again (that's why second M divorce rates are higer than those for 1st Ms). Also, I will likely have detached to the point where I wouldn't want to take her back and take that chance again. You see that all over this bb where the LBS finally has had enough and goes off themselves in search of something better. That's why they fight hard at first - b/c they know at some point it will become a "lost cause" and consequences will have to be faced. BUT, if my heart speaks to me in the way that I'll need it to, to reconsider, AND she agrees to counseling together (and hopefully on her own), then I might give it another shot (even though I know my friends and family would want to beat me if I chose that).
So, maybe as you tell, the odds are stacked against my own reconciliation after a D - but if holding on to that gets you through your sitch, then do what you have to do. I'm just trying to deal with my reality, not a fantasy.
Quote: it's as if a real line of trust was crossed - the one where "for better or worse" was really walked away from... If they can do it once, what's to say they won't do it again (that's why second M divorce rates are higer than those for 1st Ms).
He said he doesn't trust me not to do it again...getting the continuance via certified mail confirmed the fact that I will 'go behind his back'. He must totally feel this way!
I don't know what to do. My filing for the d was so reactionary...I found those condoms in his gym bag (he was going to the gym while we were married 3 nights a week) and when I asked about them he said he wasn't explaining anything to me so I went off and filed. By the time he got around to explaining to friends of ours....the papers had already been filed. I tried to hold off wait him out but it was so hard..he talked about going to file, he threatened to go file by the time the condoms were found I was so stressed had lost 30 pounds in a month and was not eating AND living with my parents. But he gives me no mercy and sees this whole thing as something I planned all along. I didn't want the d but I couldn't live with a man that was going to cheat while we were separated either.
And even when I served him the papers I said you don't have to sign we can go to counseling but he still signed. And then after he signed I couldn't stand how he just lived like nothing was happening, going out, eating while I couldn't eat I pushed him to move out and he did...signed a whole year lease! Didn't tell me he had a year lease...so I figured he'd be back in 6 months so I tried to hold on. He totally ignored me. Then he starts to see me every now and then...just drops by the house unexpectedly...I couldn't deal with it to not know what was going on...were we getting divorced or not? One month he wanted me one month he didn't. It was horrid. He complained about having nothing to talk to me about when we went out but then there he was going out...why couldn't he talk about his friends with me about his plans? I felt so left out and he just kept coming to the house to have sex! So I pushed him again to hammer out the decree he continued to refuse to sign because he wanted certain things in the decree like the equity, sell the house..I refused. After our first mediation I told him I was done and he started dating. One month later I caved and slept with him then I found out about the ow by accident. He was mad I found out but I forgave him and said I loved him and wanted to stay married. He said he didn't want that right now...so we stayed apart for 1.5 months...no contact. Then he calls me to ask me out for 4th of July weekend...goes great but gets pissed somewhere in there because I asked him not to call my work cell phone after hours...thought I'd singled him out. He doesn't tell me that is the reason he's mad but says stuff like we can sleep with other people it's ok while we sleep with each other, that he'll be dating but won't tell me that will happen. I was hurt but continued to say I wanted to be married to him and not d...we cool it and then we are back together for our anniversary Aug 6th...he asks me to dinner, sleep together, talk about goals, what we want in marriage, etc....very promising. WE talk about moving in, he looks for bigger apartment then about 4 days into it...he says he can't do it cause it doesn't feel right. What???!!! I say you know maybe you should take your ADs consistently then we can see what kind of response you have in a month...he agrees so we wait 1 month then he asks me out again for labor day weekend...it's great again. We go on family vacation. After that we have so much more frequent upsets where he is just not clear on what he wants though we go to a counselor and h says he's willing to do whatever to stay married. That lasted for 3 days before he pulls back..gets miffed I don't kiss him good-bye after one of our dates and then he calls it off again.
This whol sitch has been totally screwed up from the get go. I feel as though I'm totally working in the dark, stumbling around and getting nailed by him for screwing it all up. And I'm the one that filed!!! Shouldn't the sitch be reversed? Him trying to get back to me? He asks me out, we talk about goals but as soon as I squint it's off again!
I just don't know if there will be any hope for us after the d. And the harder I fight not to get d, the crazier the rollercoaster ride with him because he goes all on how he feels! I've tried to maintain the conviction that d is not the answer since joining this board in June and I have...my obstacle is his feelings of distrust for me.
I distrust him too but am willing to forgive and forget and work on what we can have. But he won't because I screw it up.
I'm so depressed cause he makes me feel so bad about filing. I know I shouldn't have but I can't undo it and he won't let me dismiss it!
