The journey begins

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, I'm pretty freaked out too, my wife's unemployed right now and I'm looking at paying a big chunk to her. I'm not sure if I'll be able to and keep paying the mortgage etc.

Makes you question 'Why me?' 10 times a day.

Hang in there bud, I'm sure things will work out, in the end they always do.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks everyone. I considered skipping my Financial Peace University Class, but in the end I decided to go.

I was doodling during and started writing down how much a month I'm spending on loans and such.

There's $129 per check on a 401(k) loan. There's $140 per check to pay for my car and the last bit of legal retainer. Of course, there's the $105 per check in credit card INTEREST, the minimum for those two cards is $200 per check.

So why am I fighting W so hard, $469 of my check is gone every two weeks and she's getting $460 and wants an additional $100.

The problem here is not so much the D -- but the bad decisions I let happen leading up to it.

If I could wave a magic wand and rid myself of those debts it wouldn't matter what would happen today or in the future. I'd be OK.

Still, I hope that I don't nailed with daycare as well. I'd like to maintain my current state until I know what the financial settlement will be.

On a side note. I hear everyone on the nightclub scene. I'm probably only going to have one free night out of the next three so it's not as if it's controlling me right now.

[Drew]

I just got off the phone with my attorney. As usual, he did not paint a pretty picture for me. He said typically a judge just looks at what a person makes and calculates out what I should owe by the guidelines and makes it official.

Plus, he may order me to chip in on child care.

This is the lawyer that came highly recommended, huh? If all you are going to get is what "typically" happens, why do you even need one? You're paying this guy to protect your interests, not just settle for what's typical.

[ClingingToHope]

I'd rather have someone who underpromises and overdelivers rather than overpromises and underdelivers.

We'll see how it goes. I leave in 15 minutes to walk over to the court house. That's a bonus of working downtown.

[faithisbelieving]

They say that if both parties walk away disappointed then it's a good settlement.

Hey..bad news and ominous comments are a mainstay during all this. Hang tough. This part IS a business.

This is a very bitter pill for us, as men. I don't understand how our society can 'reward' someone for bailing out on a family. The other ironic thing is this need that our society has to make sure that one's 'lifestyle is maintained'. Maybe if you got divorced and suddenly had to live like a pauper it might be an incentive to work on the M? OTOH, why stay in a dead unhealthy R?

One step at a time CTH. One step at at time.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

No appearance today. My L scheduled a settlement conference for April 29. That gets me out of the judge forcing me to pay above what I am paying now.

Strange feeling that I'm sure you've all gone through. Sitting there waiting for a case to be called that will end a 15-year partnership. I've had to cover court cases before. I've sat in court rooms hoping to talk to people whose lives are being ruined.

My L pulled me out of the courtroom. We met in a side room where he told me about the conference and he asked me how I was doing.

I told him, not well. I still don't want a divorce. The girls don't want a divorce, but I also know the faster we get this settled the faster I can move on with my life.

Then I left. I noticed STBXW sitting by the door. Our eyes met for a second -- she looked beautiful -- and I looked away and kept walking.

[ClingingToHope]

I called and set up an appointment with a credit management company in town for two weeks from now. The Financial Peace University class has been enlightening, but I need to tailor a plan specifically to me -- or figure out if it's better to just file Chapter 7 and start over.

A lot of it depends on what happens in the next couple of months.

[Gardener]

CTH,

Thanks everyone. I considered skipping my Financial Peace University Class, but in the end I decided to go.

I looked into FPU. Ironically, I couldn't afford it right now!

[ClingingToHope]

Second mediation session in 30 minutes. I'm not sure what will happen now that a settlement conference is set up. Interesting email from W this morning. She's applying for a loan and if it doesn't go through then she can only give me $129 right now towards our tax bill -- we're filing for an extension because we owe $1,090.

This is an ominous sign for the settlement conference if she's already broke since my attorney told hers were looking for a break on child support.

My goal for the mediation session is to listen, listen and listen. W felt like she wasn't being heard last time. If she continues to harp on Sundays then I'm going to say there's no use today because I won't budge.

The only example I'll bring up is D11's theater stuff. In the winter, she's typically in plays by a Christian theater group. For three to four months, they rehearse every Friday night and Saturday morning. So if it's my weekend, I wouldn't see her until late Friday, wouldn't see how much of Saturday and then would have to return her sometime on Sunday.

That's just not enough time.

D11 forgot her social studies book last night and had a field trip today so I swung by the house at 6:40 a.m. to pick her up and take her to school so she could finish the homework before the bus left.

It's always good to get extra time.

After I left I did a little shopping since I have the girls tonight and I got down a little bit. It seems like every time I do something like this -- adjust my schedule to help the girls and STBXW -- I get a wave of sadness. I just don't know how things got so bad STBXW wants to throw away her and their futures.

Together, we make enough that both would be able to go to 4-year colleges and take a big family trip every two years.

Apart? Well, they'll be lucky to have $15,000 or so when college starts, which means community college first and then a lot of student loans to finish.

Vacations? Well, STBXW's mom might scrape up money to take them to New York in a couple of years. I'll always have Fort Myers as a fallback. Stuff like that is going to fall on me. I've always been the saver/planner.

She finally sent me a tentative summer schedule. The week she wants to go with her friend to Sturgis she would have them stay with her mom at a campground South of here. At least I wouldn't have to pay. I have to get that week out of my mind. We actually could be divorced by then. I now hope so. I wouldn't my actual wife hanging out with drunk biker dudes for a week.

[ClingingToHope]

Well, this mediation session went great and -- of course -- it put me into a funk.

I just listened, listened, listened. I let her do all of the talking and she came out of her shell. She said I should have Sundays, that the schedule as it works now is good for her and she wouldn't mind me getting an additional night on weekends I didn't have the kids.

She joked about the kids. She smiled.

And after I felt awful. At one point, she said "we're both going to be broke for the rest of our lives."

In my head, I was screaming, 'we don't have to be. We can try again.'

But I didn't say it. I just looked sad.

Today reminded me how I lost my way. When we first started dating, I always let her talk. She loves when people value her opinion and her input. She loves it even more today?

But as time went on, we got busier, the kids, I forgot how I won her over in the first place and since we were so busy I just started just taking care of things and explaining it to her later.

So I should be jumping up and down about the progress that was made. Instead, I'm just really, really sad. I still think this is a Mid-Life Crisis and she'll wake up someday and realize I was the person for her. But I pushed her down this path. I definitely am not without fault.

One more mediation session and then the settlement conference in two weeks. At least I have a blueprint to follow. Listen, listen, listen and then, only if I have to, talk.

I talked to my aunt after. I know the 2x4s will come out, but I really, truly won't turn the page until I find someone else to help me turn the page. I still have romantic feelings for my first girlfriend and my college girlfriend. But I didn't think about it much because I had STBXW.