I am in full agreement with Saffie here, this idea that you have to beat him or him you is just ridiculous... its HURTFUL. The both of you need to start setting an adult example for your kids to follow... and trying to beat each other to make yourselves feel good ain't it.
The blanket thing was blatant pursuit.
You have GOT to stop listening to the CRAP he says... "He's done" is just BS. he spews... measure his ACTIONS... his ACTIONS are not showing he's DONE at ALL.. he goes out with you to functions, he participates at home with you and your kids, etc... he is NOT ACTING DONE at ALL.
What he's DOING is acting ENTITLED in order to get a FREE PASS BACK INTO HIS MARRIAGE.
He KNOWS if he acts apologietic and submissive that you will hammer down on him... so... he threatens that he's done and plays passive aggressive so YOU PURSUUE HIM... he is playing you here bigtime.
He's POUTING like a four-year-old in order to get YOU supplicating to HIM. It's a childrens game mothers know very well.
He isnt' done, he just wants a free pass back into the marriage. And you are gonna fall for it.
I agree with your post above Allen apart from the fact that I don't think he is getting a free pass back in. I kind of think that passenger's current actions are driving her H away.
As for the competitive nonsense. Ok - your H might act like a jacka$$ when he wins but SO WHAT. My dad is exactly the same, and you know what - no-one admires him when he wins, they just know he is a jacka$$ and shrug and walk away. It's just ONE of his many facets. Others are good, and if the good outweighs the bad then you forgive certain actions and just know that that is a bit of that person's personality.
Now when it comes to an A and acting like a jacha$$ - that you don't shrug your shoulders at and ignore, which you haven't.
I think slightly differently from Allen in that I would use the carrot mentality to lure H home and remind him of what you had, and then I think/hope he will feel remorse and apologise and be willing to work on preventing this happening again. I think if you keep using the stick he will not want to return as it reinforces everything he say's he is feeling about the M.
Your H likes family night - maybe MORE family occasions could be arranged - and if he shows a preference then go with the flow. If he wins at something then let it be.....in fact I would almost let him win whatever, (inside he knows he is making a fool out of himself when he gloats about winning).
We have movie nights in, and cards nights etc. The more you do as a family, if your H chooses not to include himself, the more lonely he will feel, and the more of an fool he will look to family and friends.
BTW, I would be careful about GALing with other guys - your H might backfire that on you even when it is innocent. Also the guys might get the wrong idea. The fact that you and H have so many common interests is a bonus - do something with it - don't use it against the mending of the M.
Like Allen, when I look at your H's actions I do think that he isn't really wanting to leave at all and I do think he is enjoying watch you squirm. How you make him squirm back is to live your life well and not rise to the bait.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I guess I was just looking at the fact that H admires when someone can rise above him, and I wanted to show that I was over being upset about the whole bowling thing... I tend to hold grudges, and taking up bowling again would have been positive. I will not do that again.
I plan on doing a lot more fun stuff around the house with the kids, planning more outings - biking, etc, and just let H know he's always welcome. Sound good? We will let him know what we're doing, but we won't wait around for him. Am I getting this right? Or does that allow him to do his own thing b/c now his kids are occupied and he doesn't have to deal with them... When he was actively with OW, that would have been his dream - to have me take care of his kids while he's out all night. Now that he's around the house more, he's more of a dad to them and may want to join in.
Oh, and as for H not wanting to leave, what he told MIL is that nothing will change short term with us, we've been "just friends" living together and that will continue.
If that's true, though, why is he so hurt and trying to hurt me back by sleeping on the couch? This is something I've been toying with for a bit now.
It's only been two nights on the couch....and I feel you encouraged/promoted last night's night on the couch. Don't get hung up on it.Lol- I was just thinking - you could stay on the couch with him!!!!! (Or arrange sleepovers for the kids so that they have a 'sleep in' themselves with their friends and they want the room the couch is in as well - all night movies etc., but might want to use their own bedrooms later; that way your H might not have the choice of using the couch or the childrens' bedrooms?)
I would try and make sure the family things you do are ALL things you know your H likes....so if he doesn't include himself it looks strange to the children etc.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I have a theory, it's mine I have never read this anywhere so bear with me, that divorce busting doesn't get effective until the LBS becomes wayward as well.
By this I mean they get to a state of mind where the following is in effect :
1. They don't want divorce, but they aren't afraid of it. 2. They love their spouse, but they don't want to be around them 3. They put their health and safety first before the happiness of their spouse 4. They have discovered a great deal of anger and the spouse is the target of choice 5. They are willing to withold information from their spouse to protect themselves 6. They ENJOY the time they have when their spouse is not around
I think spouses really have a lot more personal power once they get to this stage, one you are describing above. This stage is not all that different from what the WS thinks or behaves like.
The key difference is that you got there gradually while fighting for your marriage, so you have CONTROL over this while the WS doesn't.
It is good to see. I am happy to see when people reclaim thier dignity, and to my mind this is a big part of the fight when you fight for your marraige. You don't just fight your spouse's doubts or thier indifferece, you have to fight for your dignity too... because the WS is walking all over you the whole time.
Allen, hope you don’t mind me posting your advice to 4luv here. It just really struck me that I have almost been here before but keep fighting the feeling as I feel as if I need to be the BBD for a bit before letting my “had enough” emotions get to me.
Interesting too that H has been very darkly angry at me a few times when he discovered I hadn’t told him everything and twice has said “it seems you have some secrets from me as well.” In almost an evil tone of voice… very unlike anything I have ever heard come out of his mouth before (although I did hear it frequently with XBF who was a drug addict) He said this when I told him that I changed the locks on the apt and when he found out that I had spoke to his friends behind his back (whom he had already told lies about me to…) He REALLY didn’t like it when I surprised him like that. However, him not liking something does not equate to doing something that is working to bring us back together, so I’ve been really mulling this one over for a while.
LOL, Saffie, that's why I made sure when doing chores last night to do it in the living room. I was in "his" space, and watching t.v. He was a bit taken aback that I was there, and I just acted as if and had a good time without him - playing with dogs, watching comedy, folding clothes. The plan was to just get up and go to bed at an hour of my choosing without saying a word, but obviously I screwed that up by asking if he was sleeping on the couch and giving him a blanket. MY blanket, btw, which will not be around for him tonight.
OH, and great idea on the sleepover thing. I will plan one soon, I think. DSD loves sleepovers and we can have a great time together in the LR. They won't be around this weekend as my mom is taking them so H and I can go to Retro... not. I'm torn on what to do about this weekend. I want to ask him one last time to go... not. I know I can't, but just saying my feelings out loud so I'm not as tempted. I did remind him in a round about way though that it was this weekend. He mentioned a movie we all wanted to see and I reminded him my mom was taking the kids for us... and he said, oh, it's "that" weekend. Hoping that opened his mind a bit, but I doubt it did at all. (cue 50's music... wouldn't it just be DREAMY if H asked me if I still wanted to go...)
Anyway... back to reality. I am worried about how to handle this weekend as I am 95% sure that we're not going to Retro (leaving a little hope in there) - I don't want him to have too much free time for recontact to happen, it's going to just be a week since last time. Would it be OK for me to ask him to do activities with me? I just don't want to see him take off and spend the entire weekend with friends where recontact would be tempting to him. He may be moody and not in the mood to do anything alone with me, or think it's my attempt at getting him back... so I'm so torn on what to do. I know I can't control him, and it's controlling a bit for me to feel this way, but I hope you guys can understand what I'm trying to get across.
Personally, I would not leave it unsaid that you need to cancel if he is not going to the weekend. Just ask in a business-like way if is planning to go or not.
Sigh, just went on facebook to see if there was any new contact, and H still has OW as his "friend" and still most of his pictures are of them at the high school reunion together.
It hurts.
It stinks.
I want to ask him to delete them and turn her off as his friend.
They won't be around this weekend as my mom is taking them so H and I can go to Retro... not. I'm torn on what to do about this weekend. I want to ask him one last time to go... not. I know I can't, but just saying my feelings out loud so I'm not as tempted. I did remind him in a round about way though that it was this weekend. He mentioned a movie we all wanted to see and I reminded him my mom was taking the kids for us... and he said, oh, it's "that" weekend. Hoping that opened his mind a bit, but I doubt it did at all. (cue 50's music... wouldn't it just be DREAMY if H asked me if I still wanted to go...)