How do I act?

[Wholeagain]

When a man wants you NOTHING can keep him away. Not even Iraq. NO?

It's true in the beginning, when trying to win a woman. Once that has been accomplished, priorities start to shift. Work and life outside the family becomes more important.

As time goes, relationship becomes less important for a man, and more important for a woman. Do you agree/ disagree?

[gucci loafer]

Good question...

I agree somewhat. I see it as a man is inclined to search for new challenges and pursuits in his life. I know for myself that I like to always have something I am striving for. Now, we can strive for positive new endeavors like taking up a new hobby or a new interest.

Or,we can take the wrong road like some men choose to do and try and stay away from boredom in our lives by flirting with other women, wanting other women, and such. This is what many men do. They love the thrill of the chase, the in with the new and out with the old feeling. The feeling of getting away from the boredom and humdrum of every day life of going to work, coming home, same ole, same ole.. Go to bed, get up, rinse repeat... An affair gives a man that feeling he has something to look forward to,, to get away from boredom, problems and the smae old everday of life.

This is what happens when a man takes that natural given competitive I need a new challenge spirit and uses that to take a wrong fork in the road......

The woman then REACHES and panics and wants more from him, when in fact she would be smarter to bring back a little more challenge into the relationship by getting stronger and backing off when he is distant. That isn't the norm on here. Women try and try and try to win him. Which actually turns him OFF because of his natural desire to have challenge in his life to feel alive.


Her answer is to make the relationship seem LESS important to her when she recognizes his distance, which in turn gives him what he is naturally drawn toward. CHALLENGE. Men sometimes just need the challenge back. Like the beginning when he wanted her and was pursuing her to win her. The woman forgets how to be "hard to get."

If she does know how to get that back in the relationship...
HE is now back in the challenge mode. Take a look at the men on this site. Why are relationships suddenly so important to them? I don't think we can say that these men's relationships are less important to him than the wife's do you?

Of course not. His wife stopped the giving and showed him that she was emotionally dead and didn't care anymore..

Suddenly he has the challenge back.. Look what the men do when that happens. The sad thing is getting women to get the strength to let him go and let him think she is emotionally done. We know that works because of the number of men on this site responding exactly to a woman who has done exactly that.

The women on here are under the impression that letting go means the relationship is done, when it is actally quite the opposite.

[lolawar]

^^^^^^^^sooooooooooo true^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Wholeagain]

Some men are simply not interested in chasing anyone. It's career and social life that takes priority. Why should you be chasing your own W? When W distances, H goes to have his ENs met where it's convenient. Then EA develops.

[Surviving03]

wholeagain... i see what you are saying... but I think thats a little different than being in this current situation where H wants out of the marriage so W acts like you know what, me too... so then he comes pursuing... W wouldnt or shouldnt continue to distance herself forever in the relationship

I get what you are saying gucci... I am to that point now... where I understand the phrase "the power in a relationship lies with the person that cares the least"... and I am in a perfect position to do this with H

Yesterday H said something to me like there is a small part of him that wants to try to stay in the M... but the part of me that doesnt want to is much bigger and the part of you that wants us to stay together is much bigger than the part of you that doesnt... and I said thats not true. He said what? the part of you that wants us to stay together is not bigger?? I said no, not anymore. I just left it at that...I have never seen him looked more shocked.. he thinks he has got me pegged...

he has said things many times like "oh we both know you will be waiting up for me" or I said something to him like I just dont think he is someone I want to be married to anymore and he said "oh really? how hard was that for you to say??" ... such a jerk.... but you see where it would prob shock the heck out of him for me to really say that stuff... and stick with it! I have said it before and then came crying like why cant we be together... i was not consistant... so... here it goes... I will now be the one that cares the least... see how that goes

[Surviving03]

so I guess im pretty pissed right now... H list came out for bases he can choose from to move to after Turkey, and what do you know, the base that OW is at is on there... go figure... doesnt mean he would get it even if he tried for it, but the fact that it is a possibility... lovely. Hate to see H little plan all start unfolding in his favor....

[Surviving03]

I hate to bring this terrible news here, but it really hit home for me and think it might for others as well...

As you know if you read my sitch, I am on an Air Force base in Turkey. This morning we got word of a suicide (I work at the hospital) and turns out it was a young SSgt who is going thru a divorce with his wife, who is also active duty. His coworkers apparently knew he had been having a really hard time dealing with the divorce, as it sounds like she was the WAS... we all know just how low this situation can be for all of us... but I wonder what, if any, kind of help he was receiving... I wish I could have known this person and offered some help... or that he could have reached out, maybe if even to this forum for some hope. I am truly saddened that this situation took someones life.

It woke me the hell up... I thought to myself, people are losing their lives over this crap??!!! its not worth that. I am sure he really loved his wife, but you have to learn to love yourself MORE.

If anyone is reading these forums and are having any thoughts of hurting themselves, PLEASE reach out and get help.... do not be ashamed... never lose hope.... you are better than that! Find it in yourself wherever you can....

[Surviving03]

I posted this on another forum...but figured i better post it on my own... I told H today on IM that I have decided the D is for the best, and that is it not going to work between us..... LRT all the way... its not even a last resort actually... its actually how i feel right now... oh and i really got flowers today from apparently a secret admirer?? wasnt from H... no idea... but he sure is mad about it... oh well!

[4luv]

very sad news about the suicide. You are right, NO ONE OR NOTHING IS WORTH YOUR TAKING YOUR LIFE OVER.

I have been following your stitch a bit. I don't know if you read britt54's posts but her stitch kinda turned around when she received flowers from a secret admirer (hehe...great way to get the jealousy blood flowing) and ALOT of stitches turn around when you finally AGREE with the WAS that ending the marriage is for the best. You are no longer fighting what they want. I would recommend that you NOT be the one to file but let him do all the work. Just do LRT with him but NO MISTAKES...PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE BUT MISTAKES/BACKSLIDES REALLY DO MINIMIZE YOUR CHANCES AT SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. I could have saved myself a lot of time had it not been for my mistakes.

Remember, don't initiate any phone calls, don't reply to text or emails...wait a day before replying to a text and ONLY reply if it REQUIRES a reply. GAL REALLY!!! This is the most important. You two don't have kids together so REALLY GAL like you have never done before.

best wishes to ya.

[Surviving03]

thanks 4luv, I have read Britts sitch... i didnt notice the part about the flowers, thats funny! I found out who they were from... they were from a coworker of mine who has been asking me over and over to come be a guest at his graduation in two weeks... I had been telling him that I wasnt sure when I was leaving here or I would def come and support him... today I told him that I prob will still be here and he sent me flowers to get me to come! wow... I dont know what that means really?? but its nice to have someone send me something like that....

So H did not get the IM message, but I made sure to ask, and made sure to tell him again in person... he said you know thats not really how u feel... I said Yes H, it is exactly how I feel... left it at that... now I just have to make it clear that it is how i feel... NO BACKSLIDES!!! I can do it