Is this piecing?

[Abbey]

H4L,
I've been away for about a year, so I don't really have a thread now. I found I had to "get away" from the forum for a while once we reconciled. I found it was making me relive some of the hurt and stuff that went on. The wounds of the break up, and then trying to muddle through the r/c were still too fresh.

As for the continuing blame. It's all part of the same thing I think. Rewriting history, accusations, the remarks that you'll never change etc - detaching and deflecting are some of the things that did work for me.

I got everything being accused of being a verbal abuser, to an adulterer to him constantly repeating: A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I was blamed for him not having any life, any kids, that he couldn't retire when he wanted to, that I was "expensive", and I was going to require him to work until the day he died. It went on and on. The lies, his trying to legitimize his affair,... all of it. Mine went right off the rails.

Folks do NOT like to look in the mirror, especially when they're in full blown doodoo throwing mode. So, there's really nothing you can do except just turn him off. Once you do that, they'll even try to escalate it to re-engage you. Mine did. Just say to yourself,... this stuff is making me sick. It's damaging my health etc. You'll learn to self protect without fighting back. Be pleasant, and a matter of fact. That's a good dim/dark start.

I went dark, back to dim once we were starting to feel each other out again after one false start. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. To willingly push him back, and (potentially away), to keep him at bay and not allow him to get comfy by getting too close was extremely difficult for all the reasons we all know. For 2 months, I only allowed him to phone, I'd get calls at all times of the day or night. 4, 5 or 6 times a day of him calling, telling me he loves me etc. The next 2 months, I then "rewarded" the good behavior by allowing him to come over a few times for a simple visit and then towards the actual reconcile... a couple of sleep overs. Looking back on it now, I'd say it was my version of the "last, last, last, resort". Long and short... it was a process... one that I purposely "kept slowed down" in order to maintain control. Why?... because he was still out of control. The other woman btw, was pregnant... and she was yanking him all over the place.

Good news... he kept promising me that we'd be back together once she had the baby... I kept saying to myself... We'll see. I had to come to grips with this was an all or nothing. I could come out of it without him. Somewhere along the way, I became ok with it. Looking back on it now, it was the time I really grew into my own person. And I was happy. Uhm... alone, not just surviving, but LIVING and was happy. Getting back together became the cherry on top. Ya know?

I don't know if this helps at all... just know that if you try to contain the crazy-making of your H by learning to not take his junk personally,... you'll be the better for it in the long run... no matter what happens.

*hugs*
Abbey