You're going to have to let him go Cindy, you can't control your H, you have to let him go to get H back. It's the only way. No matter what happens, for yourself, you need to be happy, your boys need to be happy. They do not need this, H is their father yes, but my C told me that the kids needed to be with the one that was the strongest...and that was me. Your children need the stability which doesn't mean they can't see their father, but it sounds like H is only available when H wants to be available anyway. Cindy, you need to get strong, you need to be happy, you need to let him go in your heart and work on you, that's all we can do when this happens.
I hope I'm not sounding harsh and I'm not telling you what to do either, just suggestions. It's a hard decision, but one that has to made by you.
I'll have to db my thinking then as part of the changing me I got going on then. I want to have hope but am scared because we've done and said such awful things to each other...I would not know where to begin after the d.
I guess I can only wait and see what he does...hopefully it would be to hop into bed with the first available woman! or to start dating right away.
I suppose in cases like this all we can do is hope. I'm tired of dealing with his eradict behavior I guess which makes me hopeless. I need total detachement again....and if he tries to call me I ain't picking up the phone this time!!!! (well I'll wait a month before picking up the phone )
It's so hard! to let him go. I want to hang on. but you are right i need to let him go....he doesn't want the d but doesn't want the dismissal or the continuance. I don't understand. You are right I will need to go in at the hearing and dismiss the continuance and go for the d.
Quote: Your children need the stability which doesn't mean they can't see their father, but it sounds like H is only available when H wants to be available anyway. Cindy, you need to get strong, you need to be happy, you need to let him go in your heart and work on you, that's all we can do when this happens.
In my heart I want a miracle so that this can stop but in reality the d approaches like a runaway train and there is no way to stop it. My h won't say stop nor can I financially afford to dismiss. I'm going to have to get out of my h's way and let him d me.
You are not harsh. The reality of this situation is harsh...that you can love someone so much that you'll allow them to stomp on your heart and come back for more--that is harsh. To see my h not get how much I love him, is sad. But then hey maybe he sees me as a back stabbing woman that says she wants to be married but keeps her attorney on staff just in case! Oh, well since I don't really know what he thinks but I know what I think...I'll have to make myself happy.
Quote: At worst everything could be 50/50. Do you work?
Yes, I work. And yes I could go for 50/50 split. Currently the signed decree I have awards me the majority of the assets. I'm being advised by a close friend to not dismiss or allow him to refile and by my parents. They said it is cheaper to get remarried instead of continuing to fight the d that he seems to want. Wiley on this board also recommends not standing in his way but letting my h go. Wouldn't the best thing to do be in the best interests of the children? The boys want minimal visits (they have this now in our decree but could get more if h refiles), keep the house (the boys want to eventually go back their to live, it's a tax exemption, i have all the equity if I choose to sell but if my h refiles he could move back into the house at any time). He's so mad right now that if I make him have to refile....there is no telling what he might do to hurt me. He's just not rational. I find it hard to trust a man that says one thing but does another. I've been waiting this past year to hear the word 'dismiss' from him but he hasn't said it even this past weekend.
Quote: Also they tend to rule more favorably for those that do not want a D.
Yes my attorney seems to agree but with my h turning up to say I don't want to stay married to her...may turn the tables on me. It's a gamble based on the judge's decision.
Quote: I think I would get a second legal opinion on this.
My attorney asked me 2 weeks ago what did I want to do if there were no legal ramifications. I said not be divorced. She said ok, lets file the continuance, and go from there. She said that I should not be made to do something I don't want to do.
But alas I'm beginning to think that the d may be the best in this situation. I've tried my hardest to work on this but he just can't stay stable. He doesn't want to be d, but doesn't want a dismissal and is mad because of the continuance!!!
There is no rational. Let him cool his heels for a few days. Then just come out and ask him. Tell him you do not want this divorce. Ask him if he does. If yes, then tell him you will continue to go forward with it, but that doesn't mean that it has to be the end of you two, but maybe a new beginning. Wiley has very good advice.
I too saw the D as the "end" and it devastated me, but my H said he needed the closure of the bad to start over with the new. I still don't understand that rationale, but it is what he needed and so it went through. My D was final on Aug 9th this year and I ahd been living with him for the summer, but on Aug 13 I moved back home( long story and it was trust issues for both of us ), but within 3 weeks we were dating again and neither have dated anyone else....we have exchanged keys and I am wearing his class ring so....we shall see. I know when H filed I was so mad and upset...it was very hard. I was hurt and thought that the D was to get rid of me so maybe he is feeling some of that. Don't give up hope unless you are ready to do so.....((((HUGS))))
Thanks for that encouraging note! With all the help I'm getting here, I feel much better than I did this morning. You are right it's so hard to have him want the d but once it's done it won't be hanging over our heads! The tension of that will be gone at least.
I'll ask one more time for him to agree to the continuance and if he says no AND still wants the d, I'll let it go through. Once it is final, I'll just wait and see what he does.
Cindy - I have been following your post but before I could post a reply someone else beat me to my point. But I do agree with Working in that my WAW felt that she needed a Final order before she could even start to think about working on a new R. if you look at my thread "the wall starts to fall" you will see that on the day of our final hearing we had a great date, and have had even more and better dates after. The Final order does not have to be the end but can be the start of an even better R. Keep your chin up. (incidently - my ex's name is Cindy)
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Cindy 