Are there signs?

[ericmsant2]

Wild

You need to be patient with yourself and with her. This is hard man but patient is the ONLY way to get through this IMO.

If I have it was in passing or that I'm going to try and just give her absolute space, but never follow through. It is hard to stop doing what you have been doing, and learn what you should have been doing and not do it any more.

This is one area of growth that I am talking about. Accepting that YOU cannot control another. Accepting that things happen for a reason. Accepting that God has control over everything. Accepting that although we think we have control what we really have is a false sense of control. Acceptance my friend is not easy. Guess what is comes with PAIN but the pain brings with it growth if YOU let it.

I don't have motivation to do much other than work out.

I suspect that you may not have the motivation to do anything cause you are so focused on her comming back. I do the same thing sometimes so we both must learn to really focus on ourselves. Look man... you were born alone. An individual with your own likes and dislikes - your qualities and likes are YOURS not hers they should not be tied to anything that she does. I would suspect that before you were M you were a fun loving and great guy. Well guess what buddy... it is time to find that guy again. Time to find that person that is really in YOU.

I already do. I think about what she does or has done, and all I can think of is I forgive you.

Is the forgivness for you or for her? Answer this one please.

I don't care, just come back to me,

we can work this out,

we can grow and start a new M and a new R

These are all valid feeling and just go to show how much you love your W. The only issue that I see it that if you say these things to her it is pursuing her. It is a form of preasure. Right now you need to be patient and sit back, detach and wait to see what happens.

I want to be WHOLE AGAIN.

Does WHOLE AGAIN have to include another person? Have you thought about becoming whole again AND then trying to work on your M.

IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

This shi* will drive you crazy but you are NOT - remember she is the one that is not facing her issues. Keep saying this to yourself.

I don't know how to detach

IMO no one knows how to detach. You learn this thru trial and error. Read the link on detachment that OP provided. Read it several times. Allow it to reallly sink in. The detaching has been the hardest thing in this process for me but the most helpful. You see once you let go and detach you can begin to really heal and grow. Why? Because you are no longer allowing your emotions to be driven by her actions or lack of actions. You see you really begin to accept that you have no control over her. It is hard buddy but based on your post I am sure that you can do it.

Keep your head up...stay the course...stay focused on what YOU want.


Good Bless,
Eric

[Wildaces81]

Eric,

Is the forgivness for you or for her? Answer this one please.

For her, it is me forgiving her. But also me not dwelling on the fact that she has done what she has done. It is me letting go of something that I could turn into a huge ball of hate.

I want to be WHOLE AGAIN.
Does WHOLE AGAIN have to include another person? Have you thought about becoming whole again AND then trying to work on your M.

No, not until now.

IMO no one knows how to detach. You learn this thru trial and error. Read the link on detachment that OP provided. Read it several times. Allow it to reallly sink in. The detaching has been the hardest thing in this process for me but the most helpful. You see once you let go and detach you can begin to really heal and grow. Why? Because you are no longer allowing your emotions to be driven by her actions or lack of actions. You see you really begin to accept that you have no control over her. It is hard buddy but based on your post I am sure that you can do it.

I'm learning this as each day goes by. My IC says that I'm doing fine. And as you said yesterday I just need to cut myself some slack. I've put 100% of myself into the DBing thing and I'm expecting results right away. I really just need to remind myself that I'm going to make mistakes no matter what. That even though the wisest of the wisest could give me the best advice and I could follow it to a T and still screw up. There really is no correct way to do this and that is what I have to realize. DBing is about saving ourselves ultimately and that should be my goal.

Thanks for everything Eric, dday, OTMT

I'll be taking a little bit of a break from here. I just need to regroup and rest. I'm exhausted because I've really only done this for the past 3 months. I have had no focus for anything else.

Aces....

[ericmsant2]

Wild

I hope you are having a better day today.

That even though the wisest of the wisest could give me the best advice and I could follow it to a T and still screw up.

Dude - take each "screw up" as an opportunity to learn. Learn more about yourself, about why you screw up. Just remember to accept that a mistake is just that a mistake. We ALL learn from our mistakes. In some cases, it really is the ONLY way to learn.

I'll be taking a little bit of a break from here. I just need to regroup and rest.

Rest is good dude. This stuff is hard and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup. Know that WE are here for you man. You are not alone.

God Bless,
Eric

[jasper67]

Wild- sorry its been a while...taking a break from here can be a good thing...

I found that spending a lot of time writing about my sitch and reading all the other sitches could be overwhelming at times.

Eric gives great advice- esp about being whole...it is possible, and remember, you are doing the work and dealing...W is not.

You are going to be in a better place, believe me...

As for the detaching- it can be done, and when done correctly- W will notice- not that that's your goal, but still something that will happen as well.

Hang in there...BTW- you have the energy to work out, that's AWESOME! A huge plus and def something to continue doing...

Action precedes motivation...remember that

[Wildaces81]

Had my 29th birthday on saturday. Man I got wasted. It was a good time though.

Sucks that you cant change people. I love my wife but the person she is becoming or honestly probably always was, isn't someone that I want to be around me.

I didn't see or call her pretty much this entire weekend unless it had to do with my kids. Her attitude towards me has really soured and I am done with trying. I just don't want to do it any more. I am tired of putting on a face around her and I really just want to avoid her when she is around.

I took my wedding ring off for the first time on friday. I felt like I was holding on to an idea that no longer exsisted. I felt done. plain and simple done.

[Wildaces81]

My main problem is that I am just down. And I don't want to be any more. For the sake of my daughter. I don't want her moods to be linked to mine especially if my mood is going to be one dark cloud. Lol

I want to wake up and make everyday a good one for my kids. I said it a while back but I realize I was saying it for the wrong reasons. I WANT to live for my kids. I want to be better for them. I want to be happy for them and not to bring my wife back. I don't want to bring her back any more. I want to live my life. Not feel like I am in waist deep muck treading slowly and carefully. I no longer want to live like that.

I don't know where I am going but I feel for once i'm taking a correct step and I'm doing it for me, not another person

[Onthemountaintop]

So you are thinking that a D would be clear enough that you wouldn't feel down?

I don't think so. I'd guess that once it really hit, you'd be possibly more down than now because you decided to give up.

Aces, give it some time. If you decide not to, I understand cause I've been in that feeling many a time. Just be sure because giving up won't give you a feeling of success...

[Wildaces81]

No, I don't want a D. But I look at her and I don't want her. I love her but I love the person she used to be not who she is now. Something happened to her and if running away is her answer what can I do but sit tight. Which is what I am doing. I'm not going to go after her. I'm not going to ask her to do things together. I will only talk to her about our children. I cannot keep running into the same wall. And I feel like I have been doing that for the past year. How can I continue to be with someone that expects me to change but isn't willing to change with me?

[Onthemountaintop]

Pursuing her may not help, you're right.

Keeping your heart open and trying to better understand/improve will help. It will also help you show your D that you didn't give up. Your W may notice, and may not. But if you've truly given in/up, your face will show it.

Show a smile, hope, love. That doesn't mean pursing or hiding your hurt when you're hurt. It means over all, be a good, happy person. Enjoy the good things in your life, like your D for now. Later on, your W will see that even if she can't/won't today.

[Wildaces81]

Pursuing her isn't going to work.

My heart is open. I'm not giving up, but for my own sanity how to I keep going on like I have been? I don't want my D to think I gave up and she wont. I would rather show my D that you can forgive if the other party is willing to be repentant. But if they aren't do you just sit there and wait? I dont' want my D or my S to see that people can walk all over you, take off, then come back whenever they want.

I'm not God, I cannot wait forever. And I know that there have been people that have been seperated for years and reconciled. I just don't want to wait that long.

I know a D is going to hurt, but sitting here watching her go down this distructive path and expecting her to wake up "some day" just isn't something I feel like I can or want to do. I feel as though if I take her back i'm more foolish than beleving that she hasn't slept with other people by now.

I don't give up easily. I don't like to loose. I wasn't raised that way. I do want to be happy, I don't want my children to be unhappy because they see me suffer cause their mom is a physco.

I feel in my heart that I have done enough. That although I made mistakes, it gives her no excuse to ditch me when I was at my worst(which wasn't that bad), and cheat on me, then justify it by saying "in my mind we aren't married" I love her still but it isn't the same.