Thank you everyone for all your advice and support. It has meant so much to me and has really helped me see things more clearly..even though I sometimes did the exact opposite of what I was advised. I think the writing was on the wall with our M for some time. I was trying to be optimistic. I looked back on my first post where I said I was ambivalent about saving my M..well that didn't change..and my STBXH made this decision easier.
I do feel relieved. My STBXH still does not take responsibility for his actions. He still doesn't see or feel the pain that he has caused..he can only feel his pain. He continues to project his guilt and blame onto me. After all of this..I still don't speak to him the way he chooses to speak to me. When I pointed this out..he said "yes Lola..you are a martyr". I am not a martyr...I have feelings of compassion and empathy..feelings that most people have that he lacks. If that makes me a martyr- so be it..I think it just makes me human.
Throughout the past few months I have been able to get over the anger I felt towards him for having the A and treating me so awfully throughout the entire thing. I think this is a good thing..I will have an easier time letting go. I want better.
I thought for the longest time that I caused him to speak to me like he did or act like he did towards me. I bent over backwards trying to avoid an argument or to make him happy. I have learned..that NOBODY forces you to behave like that. This is a choice.
His feelings are his reality...unfortunately they aren't anyone elses reality. His responses to situations have always been exaggerated and immature at times. This is who he is..he doesn't see any issues with himself..everything is everybody else's fault and therefore, probably won't change until he does some soul searching.
I have a feeling that he is not going to make things easy in the coming months. This will be a whole new set of challenges. I need a fast forward button. How can someone be so angry??? The A was so hurtful...the way he treated me was so hurtful..and now he is trying to rewrite marital history to help justify his actions. This is hurtful too. Makes me feel like my M was a sham. I need to get over this.
