ok = plan tomorrow H returns to be with S.I'm so at peace tonight iwth him gone and I dread tomorrow...but here's how I prepared in my calm and in control way...
I laid down some boundaries today; Since he pulled the "I'll put S to bed then go back to my apt, then return in the morning" thing on me last night, I calmly asked "would you like for me to arrange to have my parents here tomorrow night after you put S to bed so you can leave? (I have rehearsal). He said no he would stay here (WTF?)
Then I set a firm boundary: "I know you are up set about the sleeping arrangements (overnights at our home only) and with the condition of the house/carpet, etc, but do not come over here and dump all your negativity on us. It is very hurtful to me and at best it is not constructive. We can talk about these things in MC or during a predesignated time perhaps, but don't come over here and dump. And I don't want a repeat of last night."
H agreed.
Yeah, we'll see.
Then I laid the third boundary: "When I come home I will be going into my room. I think we both need a lot of space right now."
And that is what I will do. It's as dark as I can go with him in the house. Separate rooms, doing my own thing, not obssessing on him.
BEyond that I have questions...
how DO YOU DEAL with the blame! I read that so many do it along with the history rewrite to justify their behavior. But how on God's earth do you cope? I know to defend, convince, etc is "reasoning with the unreasonable" as someone posted earlier and deosn't work. But the whole "everything was so miserable with you and I'm too scared that someday it will be again if we were to reconsile" doesn't say to me he's done, it says he's scared. And he's scared of the person he's pointing a finger at which I know is a way to completely avoid any part he had in our problems and fights.
How do you deal with the blame? I know you are supposed to believe none of what they say, but when you are an introspective person like me and are willing to look at each and everyone of your faults, it makes that process hard. But he won't own up to his anger, his abuse, and how interacting with me that way sent me to the edge of pain and despair so many times....nope, it's all me, it was all misery, and the cure is to run away.
And it's not true. I've tried listening and validating. It makes emotional abuse worse because I'm sitting there taking the blame for our problems. Ideas?
