W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

Well, the goals are supposed to be for what you want more of, or want done differently, in the relationship.

Sgtxok had a thread over in Solutions Workshop where she was going to help people set goals.

The way she approached it was, what were things like in the relationship when these things happened more often? What can you do to help recreate that environment?

The other big thing is that you shouldn't focus on more than one or two goals at a time, and they should be something that can be accomplished within a week or two. So if I were in OIN's place, I would pick two of the smaller subgoals to focus on.

Got it. I choose the following since it is in the very near future.
- W will wear wedding ring this Sunday to the memorial service.

I don't know, realistically can be achieved in two weeks, so I will give it more thought.

I am leaning toward
- W would sleep in same bed as me or feel more comfortable around me

[TrentC]

Now, me, I would have started with some more low-hanging fruit, like:

- W would call/text to say goodnight (like she use to)
- W would agree to going places with me if I asked w/o saying "Up to you" or "if you want"

The ones you are looking on might come later, when some of the tension between the two of you has eased.

[OfficerInNeed]

Sounds good. How can I encourage such positive behavior

[TrentC]

That's a good question. What were things like between you when she was more receptive to your suggestions or willing to call or text?

[OfficerInNeed]

Before we just did things. We did everything together. It was a given that if one went the other would most certainly go, there was no asking. If I or she said "I am going someplace" the other would get ready because "I" meant "we."

As far as the text messages go, that is something she just did. I rarely even text messaged her back taking those texts and and sweet words for granted.

I been DB for about 5-6 weeks now. My W is still cold and bitter toward me. She shows a lot of resentment toward me when I say something kind, do something courteous or show a new me. I know it will take time for the ice around her heart to melt but I want to ensure I am DB effectively without pursuing, which leads me to my next question...

How do I compliment without pursuing? I received a few tips in my other thread but I am now looking for more creative ways. My W has stunning blue eyes and a beautiful smile and I have ALWAYS compliment her on each but she does not remember me every doing so. Other compliment her and I don't want it to be where other compliment her and I don't therefore she is drawn to an OM.

[TrentC]

I been DB for about 5-6 weeks now. My W is still cold and bitter toward me.

If what you've been doing isn't working, then it's time to change tactics. Sounds like you're on your way to recognizing that...

How do I compliment without pursuing? I received a few tips in my other thread but I am now looking for more creative ways.

The best way to do it is to do so unconditionally. If she looks nice then look her in the eye, say "You look really nice today," smile, and move on. If she acknowledges it, great. If not, no big deal.

My W has stunning blue eyes and a beautiful smile and I have ALWAYS compliment her on each but she does not remember me every doing so.

Typical WAS rewriting of history; of course they're not going to focus on the positive aspects of the marriage.

Other compliment her and I don't want it to be where other compliment her and I don't therefore she is drawn to an OM.

You can't control that. She will respond to your compliments, or the compliments of others, as she chooses. And the fact that you are thinking in those terms shows that maybe you haven't moved as far from your controlling tendencies as you believe.

However, you can influence her behavior by how you interact with her.

A good book for you to look at is The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca; it discusses much of the same stuff as DB and DR, and also covers topics like emotional reactivity (here is a good article by Scott Ginsberg on the subject) and detachment (here is a Livestrong.com article on detachment). If you can work on detaching and overcoming emotional reactivity, you have the tools to defuse the negative interaction that currently exists.

1000ships collected a whole bunch of good articles by James J. Messina, the author of "Developing Detachment" above, in this thread.

Here are some other books to look at -- I don't know if any of these have been suggested before:

* The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson
* Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
* His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
* The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
* For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
(For women, there is For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn)

[OfficerInNeed]

You can't control that. She will respond to your compliments, or the compliments of others, as she chooses. And the fact that you are thinking in those terms shows that maybe you haven't moved as far from your controlling tendencies as you believe.

What I mean is. I was told that right-out compliments could be consider pursuit which is pressure. Pressure will push her a way. If I don't compliment my own W, and someone else does she may think "This OM compliments me and thinks I am beautiful but my H does not, why should I give him another chance."

[DaddyLongShanks]

OfficerInNeed,

Many time our WAS forget that we complement them. I say complement her as much as you would like, without being too much.

When WAS gets really bad they will discourage you from complementing them, but encourage it from the outside. They will tell the outside you don't complement them. Been there done that.

I think you two are doing better, so you can complement her very occasionally with gifts. Allan A might disagree, but its up to you.

Complement her with your words, and your actions. I also believe you should get some back.

If she's not really paying you attention, I'd spend some time with my single and other friends that go out. You want to get some of that "attractive" attention from somewhere. The wife will know and many of these betrayeds will respond to this. Its crazy like that.

All in all, my wife treated me much better when I was a "bad boy", not necessarily cheating, but getting out, getting good attention, dressing well. I lost it when I cut all this out, and was all about her. So there is a fine balance as I'm sure you are aware.

The key is going to be you have to look like you can "cheat", without doing it. OIN needs to appear as he has tons of options, and be in the environments in which he can manifest them - without using them.

I'm a pretty good guy, but looking back, some "bad boy" in there was better for me, than being "totally good".

Just throwing some extra info out there, and your info and your turnaround is motivating for myself and others.

[MrBond]

I think you're taking the idea of "pursuit" a little too broadly. You can still do nice things for her now and then, just not overboard.

Be a gentleman and show her the type of man that she likes. That also includes complimenting her every now and then. Pursuing is like if you were to buy her flower and candies.

[TrentC]

What I mean is. I was told that right-out compliments could be consider pursuit which is pressure.

If it were borne of neediness or desperation, yes. This is why I said you should offer the compliment and don't let it bother you if it's not acknowledged.

If I don't compliment my own W, and someone else does she may think "This OM compliments me and thinks I am beautiful but my H does not, why should I give him another chance."

You are right; this may very well happen. But you can't control whether that's how she feels or not.

All you can do is act.

And I think a well-timed and sincere compliment, offered for its own sake, would be a good thing towards changing her perception of you. If it's obvious that she made an effort to look nice, say so. If you meet somewhere and she offers to pay for lunch, say thank you.