Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/choose_joy-acting-as-If--fake-it-til-you-make-it.html

^ Here's a good article for you.

[Butterfly1]

I do want to bring this up next week in MC
and I do need to work on letting him go
I was so happy when we spent the previous night together and then when he wanted to leave the next night I panicked
so much rejection = I need to be stronger

[courageous wife]

(((H4L))) I have had a hard time with the rejection too but I promise it will get easier!!! YOU and your son do not deserve to be treated this way!!! Your son does not need to here his father spewing that stuff at you! You are getting very good advice here! Hang in there!!! Be strong!

[Butterfly1]

I'm daydreaming today. What if I could gather my strength and be the WAW now? WHat if I could say "You are right, I dont want to be married to you either. I don't want to be with someone who treats me with so little self respect."

How could I gather the strength?

[Abbey]

H4L...
Just reading your sitch a bit. I agree with what the other folks are saying here. He's emotionally abusing you. Uhm... going dark is the best thing for you to do at this point.

First off... all people HATE rejection. It's human nature. I've learned a lot through my journey and thanks to the folks from this site (been back together for a year)...one of the things about going dark that is truly empowering is it gives you back control. Right now your H is using rejection to rule you. Time to get back on even ground. Detaching and going dark puts him in the rejection seat. People do NOT like being rejected and thus all the more enticing is the concept of wanting what they can't have.

You're giving the boy the milk for free. Ya know?

Best wishes
Abbey

[Abbey]

How could I gather the strength?

By going dark. It will in time, and by practice, give you the strength to say... I CAN survive without every waking second being about your H.

This is a process, take one bite at a time... don't try to swallow the whole roast with one bite.

*hugs*
Abbey

[flowmom]

I'm daydreaming today. What if I could gather my strength and be the WAW now? WHat if I could say "You are right, I dont want to be married to you either. I don't want to be with someone who treats me with so little self respect."

How could I gather the strength?

Hope, I think that would be more effective if you could stick with dim for a month. Build your confidence by protecting yourself from the spew and dealing with your issues. Give yourself some time to gather your strength. There is no emergency here...the only emergency is learning how to protect and care for yourself and your S on all levels.

[Butterfly1]

It's just you know in the past everytime I go dim
he loves it and wants more space
like last week when I tried
he actually came over this week and said when are you leaving?

I want him to feel the rejection too so I hear what you all are saying. I'm willing to try - not sure I can do it.

But it may be the final way to tell him - go, and he may bite. And this is what my MC warns too.

Abbey - where's your thread? I'd like to read your path...thank you for chiming in.

And FM thank you as always for being a constant support. (())

H's main mode is avoidance and denial. This will just encourage that. He never speaks with anyone in his family, and they don't speak with each other. They are comfortable this way.

It's how they deal with uncomfortable feelings - by not dealing.

But still, I'm willing to keep trying, stumble though I may.

[Butterfly1]

ok =
plan
tomorrow H returns to be with S.I'm so at peace tonight iwth him gone and I dread tomorrow...but here's how I prepared in my calm and in control way...

I laid down some boundaries today;
Since he pulled the "I'll put S to bed then go back to my apt, then return in the morning" thing on me last night, I calmly asked "would you like for me to arrange to have my parents here tomorrow night after you put S to bed so you can leave? (I have rehearsal). He said no he would stay here (WTF?)

Then I set a firm boundary:
"I know you are up set about the sleeping arrangements (overnights at our home only) and with the condition of the house/carpet, etc, but do not come over here and dump all your negativity on us. It is very hurtful to me and at best it is not constructive. We can talk about these things in MC or during a predesignated time perhaps, but don't come over here and dump.
And I don't want a repeat of last night."

H agreed.

Yeah, we'll see.

Then I laid the third boundary:
"When I come home I will be going into my room. I think we both need a lot of space right now."

And that is what I will do. It's as dark as I can go with him in the house. Separate rooms, doing my own thing, not obssessing on him.

BEyond that I have questions...

how DO YOU DEAL with the blame! I read that so many do it along with the history rewrite to justify their behavior. But how on God's earth do you cope? I know to defend, convince, etc is "reasoning with the unreasonable" as someone posted earlier and deosn't work. But the whole "everything was so miserable with you and I'm too scared that someday it will be again if we were to reconsile" doesn't say to me he's done, it says he's scared. And he's scared of the person he's pointing a finger at which I know is a way to completely avoid any part he had in our problems and fights.

How do you deal with the blame? I know you are supposed to believe none of what they say, but when you are an introspective person like me and are willing to look at each and everyone of your faults, it makes that process hard. But he won't own up to his anger, his abuse, and how interacting with me that way sent me to the edge of pain and despair so many times....nope, it's all me, it was all misery, and the cure is to run away.

And it's not true. I've tried listening and validating. It makes emotional abuse worse because I'm sitting there taking the blame for our problems. Ideas?

[Lost Rabbit]

Love the boundaries hun well done!

I do think you have to behave yourself as the WAW..

Believing you are not to blame is just going to take practise, ok we all find it hard to understand why you consistently look to yourself when its obvious to us your not, only you can understand why, but you will get there one day, hopefully soon as you really dont deserve to be treated the way your H does, you are a dear kind wonderful woman and need treating appropriately (())