Messed up

[jt2007]

I think:
what I need to do is detach from my previous life style. And make a new one..thats how I detach from Him.

It sounds like I am making everything about "things" , this is not intentional...just what is most pressing to me in order to get myself in order.

I have to understand where my financial feet are just to get it out of the way...to concentrate on what ever else.

So for right now that part is taken care of until I can find an extra job and gradually will not need that help anymore.
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Now,
Looking at relationship with XH (still dont want to call him that) but we did sign the papers, it hasnt become final Yet.

So for now I will use it interchangeably until I am ready to let it go.

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Umm....I found somethings about myself I would like to work on.

Not saying Yes all the time, learning to say NO
For this I will need to learn some skills on how to handle things..such as when I need to compromise and when I need to just keep my "no".(got to find a resource for that)

Learn to establish boundaries to keep myself from being used by others and from being dependant on others.
For this I will need to recognize what gives others the ability to have a stake in me where they expect something from me.
I need to recognize what brings about the feeling of obligation and try to regain control so I can give freely and not from obligation.

For this I will also need to understand I cannot "fix" another person, or make them change into something.
This has led me to be constantly unsatisfied, always finding the negative (to get to a "positive" solution ), and Im sure it has alot to do with maybe what H is trying to tell me.
(it kind of worked in the marriage , but at what cost now, Im sure H resents not being "himself")

I will also need to realize maybe I did this because I saw what he could be, instead of appreciating everything he was.
I didnt like everything he was..and he did very well making to where he is now.
(one of the first things he did when we met was show me how to get a free meal at a fastfood place (now he never has to do that again), he would flirt and smack girls behinds infront of me, ect...he was a "jerk"..(has cooled off since after alot of crying and nagging..but still has it as part of him) all my friends (who I gave up) told me so (of course sterotypicaly I guess I didnt listen))

I need to realize maybe I just didnt like everything about him from the begining.
Maybe he didnt like me, we just filled a need at the time for something we both were lacking from our past.

Maybe we did out grow that but some bad habits formed between us during that time.
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So sum it up for now:

I will not think about how I can "fix" him. Instead I will allow him to make his own mistakes and go with any consequences that might come from it.


I will not let him feel obligated to me. When the situation comes up I will find a way to offer an alternative solution that involves a commintment from me for taking responsibility for my own things and self.

I will not feel obligated to give (think and do for him) what he can do for himself.
I instead will weigh the circumstance, and say No if I feel it will not allow a fairness in what I need also.


I was known for a while in the family as a derogatory name because he would shake his glass and I would always refill it (I need to rethink what "caring and loving" mean)
I have some more research to do ..