Messed up

[jt2007]

I think:
what I need to do is detach from my previous life style. And make a new one..thats how I detach from Him.

It sounds like I am making everything about "things" , this is not intentional...just what is most pressing to me in order to get myself in order.

I have to understand where my financial feet are just to get it out of the way...to concentrate on what ever else.

So for right now that part is taken care of until I can find an extra job and gradually will not need that help anymore.
--------

Now,
Looking at relationship with XH (still dont want to call him that) but we did sign the papers, it hasnt become final Yet.

So for now I will use it interchangeably until I am ready to let it go.

---
Umm....I found somethings about myself I would like to work on.

Not saying Yes all the time, learning to say NO
For this I will need to learn some skills on how to handle things..such as when I need to compromise and when I need to just keep my "no".(got to find a resource for that)

Learn to establish boundaries to keep myself from being used by others and from being dependant on others.
For this I will need to recognize what gives others the ability to have a stake in me where they expect something from me.
I need to recognize what brings about the feeling of obligation and try to regain control so I can give freely and not from obligation.

For this I will also need to understand I cannot "fix" another person, or make them change into something.
This has led me to be constantly unsatisfied, always finding the negative (to get to a "positive" solution ), and Im sure it has alot to do with maybe what H is trying to tell me.
(it kind of worked in the marriage , but at what cost now, Im sure H resents not being "himself")

I will also need to realize maybe I did this because I saw what he could be, instead of appreciating everything he was.
I didnt like everything he was..and he did very well making to where he is now.
(one of the first things he did when we met was show me how to get a free meal at a fastfood place (now he never has to do that again), he would flirt and smack girls behinds infront of me, ect...he was a "jerk"..(has cooled off since after alot of crying and nagging..but still has it as part of him) all my friends (who I gave up) told me so (of course sterotypicaly I guess I didnt listen))

I need to realize maybe I just didnt like everything about him from the begining.
Maybe he didnt like me, we just filled a need at the time for something we both were lacking from our past.

Maybe we did out grow that but some bad habits formed between us during that time.
----

So sum it up for now:

I will not think about how I can "fix" him. Instead I will allow him to make his own mistakes and go with any consequences that might come from it.


I will not let him feel obligated to me. When the situation comes up I will find a way to offer an alternative solution that involves a commintment from me for taking responsibility for my own things and self.

I will not feel obligated to give (think and do for him) what he can do for himself.
I instead will weigh the circumstance, and say No if I feel it will not allow a fairness in what I need also.


I was known for a while in the family as a derogatory name because he would shake his glass and I would always refill it (I need to rethink what "caring and loving" mean)
I have some more research to do ..

[cat04]

I have to understand where my financial feet are just to get it out of the way...

This is a very good step in taking care of yourself.

Looking at relationship with XH (still dont want to call him that) but we did sign the papers, it hasnt become final Yet.

So for now I will use it interchangeably until I am ready to let it go.

This is also good. Healthy.

Your list of things you want to work on is wonderful and really admirable.

You asked about detatching and I know it seems counter intuitive. Doesn’t seem like it will fix anything.

But it gives you the time to fix YOU which is really the only thing you can fix.

And it allows your H time to fix him, when he is so inclined.

I think you may be beginning to understand.

I hope you keep posting.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

JT,

If what you wrote is true, then I am impressed with you. An abussive realtionship takes two to work, and it is dysfunctioanl to an extreme...for you to realize these things as quikly as you did...

I think you are going to have a wonderful life...don't get me wrong you have some hard work ahead of you, but the first steps you have taken are impressive.

[jt2007]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

Trying to get my crying, and ranting spells under control, so I can have a rational moment of thought. Its difficult but Im coming around gradually. Writing it out really helps, I can always refernce my goals or thoughts during an irrational moment.

I am just now learning about what things went wrong with what I thought was a relationship and the way it was suppose to be.
I knew there were things I didn’t enjoy but I thought it was what everyone was saying about having to work on the marriage.

I realize now how he talked to me and treated me from the beginning was not indicative of a “normal” loving relationship toward each other.

My friends basically left me because they couldn’t be around it, and for some reason, I still haven’t gotten all figured out, I let him use me like that-- while I used him ( for security I’m guessing at this point).

I thought at some point we were doing it the right way, different from our own messed up childhood families…but guess we tried and it didn’t really work right.

Now H is 40 and rethinking everything….just might have been the best thing for both of us….but not for our Kids….
I still want them to have their mom and dad under one roof, but I’m not sure he is doing any of the same soul searching in the same direction as me.

In reading what I have so far on abuse, MLc, divorce, and “healthy” marriage these are my thoughts:

Being able to read it and understand it logically is different than it becoming a part of how I think and react. These “unhealthy” things are deep rooted from way back.
I think I might be able to kill off the leaves but not sure how to get to the roots yet.

I do have a lot of work ahead of me.
It almost feels impossible, like changing the ocean from blue to red.

I have to believe and be able to practice what I am learning. EVEN if it seems counter intuitive..

Thanks again, your help and opinions are very much appreciated.

[seeking answers]

JT, it's wonderful to see you peeling back the layers and starting to examine and question yourself, life and your R.

You're right, your H is not questioning his life in the same way you are. He's blaming external forces for his unhappiness at this time. Looking inside is too painful and not for the weak, and blaming you is much easier. Hopefully he awakens someday and starts to look at himself.

JT, yes the work is hard, but not impossible. Keep gaining knowledge and empowering yourself. Do it for you and your children.

You're doing great! We're here for each other and as your knowledge and understanding grows passing it on will help someone else with their journey.

(((Hugs)))

[jt2007]

I havnt called (x)H these past 3 days. He ended up calling on two of those days to tell me about his job and that he was going to be able to keep it...umm ok I listened.

Today he called at lunch.. to tell me about his boss not making it through the company transfer... I listened.

He then mentioned to me that he dreamed I had a date invitation but said that our divorce was not final ..

I politly told him I was not seeing or interested in anyone but he could make what ever decision he wanted to about moving forward for him.
(not sure if this was the right thing to do)
He replied he didnt have time to see anyone else because of work and the kids.
I told him It had nothing to do with time or the kids but to do with how he wanted to handle going forward.

He said he still freaks out everytime he sees a cop car in the neighborhood, and when he tries to think about our life together it seems like a fantasy...something that wasnt real dream like..

I said it was because we were separatd... and I have no part of their lives except for a maybe three few hours one day on the weekend...no new experiences to add to the situation we have been through

He said he didnt want to talk about it....
and then his boss suddenly called..

So OK...

Well divorce will be final in June so not sure how this road is going to go.

But I am trying to keep focused on myself.
I dont have as many breakdowns...but just a constant heart ache and feeling downsided and needy..while trying to go on.

Its been difficult to try and think of any kind of social activity to be involved in, as far as anything I would like to be doing...

I have been out of the adult social world for ever and its realy a scary thing thinking about it.
I didnt participate when I was at home for all of these years...it had been Just Him

Its difficult and hurts when you are used to having that other next to you ...no matter how they treated you it was still your relationship to have and keep and work on.

I dont think depression and this goal thing are very compatable?

It feels kind of like just pushing through it and making something up without any real direction.

I keep falling and wanting to find some other person who is physicaly here and will comfort and understand....ICK I know that sounds really like the direction I dont need to be going in.
So I have a smoke (i dont smoke) and get outside to look at the sky.

Maybe this is how you make a new life..and it can be what ever you want... humm.. not sure what I want now

[jt2007]

he called me to day again...didnt call him.

Said he was going to get a new camero..(secretly I think this would be awesome For ME lol) ...anyway like there arent enough bills already..and he has been tanning and working out these past three weeks...and he booked a cabin vacation for next month for him to be "by himself" to get a "break from the kids" for a week.

is he ever going to be honest? or does he still not "get" what he is doing...
I will just have to sit and watch whatever path he is on.
Im need to concentrate on mine...and doing for the kids.

I didnt feel as affected as I thought I would when he told me these things. I hate that I have to feel like I dont care whats going on...but thats the only way to deal with all this right now.
I dont like knowing that I am developing a hardend heart.. it doesnt seem natural for me not to be interested or concerned or a little po

[jt2007]

I am going through my wishwash stage again, it doesnt feel as hopeful as it did in the begining

Now I just cant believe H would choose..
“feeling good”" and “friends” that didnt have any life expections , over me and my kids lives .

What selfishness exsits… and yes you want to hurt them because you cant believe they would not feel remorse for hurting you and your whole family future for their selfish acts.

Thats the kind of get back you want… I dont know if I will ever see it (his remorse)…but right now I sure as hell dont want him to be “happy"

He sold the boat and is now going to get his new camero.

He is going on vacation for a week . said he had a choice of 5 different places..because one of his friends (that he just had a reunion with) he owns a huge manufact company and has several rental places.. I said I would love to do that (own rental property) he thought I ment go on vacation though...and said that I should get some rich friends...what a jerk!

Im just sitting back watching...thats all I can do.

He tried to call me over for a "call" then said nevermind...because I decided not to react or respond.
I m not going to be treated like that...(even though it kind of difficult (have been with him for 16yrs)..so have to keep reminding myself its just a "bcall" and thats just not cool to think of me like that.


SO... I refocused...
He is paying for gym membership and we are still married so I will be going to the gym in the town Im in right now.

He paid up for a tan membership for me before this..and I never got to go cause of this crude....So Im going.

I figured im not going to waste my time thinking about what he is doing..going to do my own thing.
It will feel strange though not being able to have my kids when I go to the gym...we always went together.

I will have to remember what my oldest son said to me.
"Dad is being selfish and I think its best you just leave him alone, you cant talk any sense into him. This is coming from a guy mom..."
I had to kind of laugh at him and love him... He is right.

[seeking answers]

jt2007 MLC = Selfishness

Your son is a wise young man, leave your H alone. Sounds like when you do he seems to seek you out. When he initiates a convo with you, listen, validate where you can, but give him nothing as far as your feelings, needs, wants or dreams. Stay mysterious while moving forward. You are a wise lady not to let him use you because you can't miss what's always there.

Given your H's history he would have to be willing to go through intensive therapy before you should consider ever reconciling with him if that is what he and you want down the road.

It sounds like you're starting to get a handle on this. I know it's hard, but this is your time to think and take care of yourself.

(((Hugs)))

[jt2007]

((hugs)) 4u seekinganswers

Have to keep reminding every now and then they are in selfish mode.

I agree with his therepy, or major change.
Sad thing is I dont think he ever will..Not unless He realizes that he has a problem...and for now that problem is me (to him)

Maybe it will take him being in a few other relationships to make him realize..I dont know.

I can always tell when him and OW are having probs because he says he doesnt feel good and he thinks all women are horrible(uses other language)
(thats one of the signs that I had when I found out he was being emotioanlly envolved w/her- and she didnt want him to come and see her..or she had put him down in some way)---
When he was feeling good then I knew he was going to be taking a trip or she had done something nice for him.

took me a while to figure that one out because I thought what I was doing was making it better for us.

I finally realized nothing I could do at this point was remotely even looked at. Everything I did was soon met with: "why are you trying to make me feel guilty" and I had no idea what he was feeling guilty about...so whatever


I know my son is right and very precious to me...
at least I have something good from those years.

Now that I have had some time to myself..I see how I react based on how our realationship was conducted for 16yrs.

I have lots to do for myself to get this more right.. I had no idea how to establish boundaries..

My sister said this to me and I keep trying to remember it:
Its like putting up a fence and you keep all your pretty and nice things you like there..things that make you happy.

Its up to you to allow or not allow someone to come over and mess up your yard!
You are not the one that messed up the yard, they are and If they cant respect your yard then get them out, they are not helping and wont help.

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I am going to try and take the advice on not giving him any of my feelings, needs , wants and dreams.

If he is interested then I guess he will ask..forget trying to relate to him, all he does is stomp on me.

I cant believe Im learning so much now...
I wish this was all sooner than later...but who knows why?
Just going to go with the flow now, not do the regret thing.