OK - let's try something different. Yeah, a lot of posts about what STBX is doing and saying. The whole "let's not sign the papers" - I don't have to solve that yet.
She has the boys this weekend, so - whatever else is going on, I need to give some attention myself. GAL.
So, went to see some buddies' band play Friday night. Took a yoga class yesterday morning, and went back this morning. I don't know why this suddenly appealed to me, but I've never sweat so much in my life. After being a cubicle dweller for so long, it's about time to focus on some strength and flexibility.
Cleaned up the apartment and turned the keys in. Did a bunch of yardwork at the house. Supposed to have lunch with a friend today, if he ever calls back.
And, although last night was a little lonely, I did get some LAUNDRY done. Heh. And some work too. Ah, I've got to work a bit today as well.
Anyway. Right now, instead of focusing on the decisions that need to be made, I've realizing that my focus really needs to be everything ELSE. Because, once I feel a little more rooted in everything else, I'll have some better perspective on the relationship. Not that I expect us to reconcile at all. But I'm wondering if I want to just go ahead and push it forward. Yeah, it's true that I love her still, but again I don't trust her, and I think I've really lost some respect for her.
Triplet mom (if anyone rememebers) stopped by on a walk so our kids could play the other night. Back in the neighorhood...
Sounds good Bill! I also understand the trust issue. I never thought my wife would lie the way that she has since the bomb. The thing is...when most people lie they look off too the side for a split second or don't look you in the eye at all. When I questioned my wife about her lies she looked me straight in the eye and did not break eye contact. In the future I dont know if I would ever be sure she was not lying. sad.
Great move getting your house back BTW.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Monday, Monday... (you know, I picked up my guitar yesterday, after not touching it for a few weeks, and starting playing around witht that song it has a surprising number of key changes)
V1olin - yeah. It is really hard to reconcile, isn't it? It's easy to think to myself, the W that I knew is gone, but it's more organic, subtle than that. The W I knew made a choice. And I'm sure in her mind, the fact that she had initiated the divorce meant that she was not obligated to keep promises to me, and that it was OK to lie. Wasn't my concern what she was doing, right? And she looked me directly in the eye too. In the end, she said that she was sorry not for what she did, but that she made a promise to me that she wasn't able to keep (which was staying away from OM while we were living in the same house and going through the seperation).
The truth is, there's the part of me that loves her, sure, but now there's a part of me that's really disgusted by her - by her lying, by her choice of the man she went off with, all that. She told me recently that she had thought she was in love. I didn't respond to that, but at this point she looks to me like an immature, self-absorbed person. When I've said to her in the past that I'm appalled by her choices, she says I don't get it. And honestly, when she says I don't get it, kind of proves to me in my mind that she doesn't get it. That her values, how she respects family, honors relationships and loved ones - they are different than mine.
So, W dropped off the boys last night, and the tax documentation from the CPA to be signed, and was like a tornado coming in and out, frazzled and in a bad temper. I asked why she was so mad, and besides being tired and a bunch of other stuff she spat out, she said - now SHE's the one doing visitation.
It's funny, the difference between knowing something is true (all the stuff Karen has been saying) and feeling that it's true.
I'm to the point I really don't want her in the house. Don't want her there in the morning, don't want her there in the afternoon. Her point is that it's easier on the kids, they don't have to get up as early, they can do their homework at home, etc. But I'm starting to get annoyed that she comes in in the morning and switches on MY TV that I had to replace after she took the other one. That I have to deal with the messes the boys make while she's watching them at the house (though, boys make messes, and it is their home). It's nice that she prepares dinner for us, but I'm kind of getting to the point where I feel, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of that. Honestly, I think I'm doing a great job with everything for the boys and the house. And it does feel like my space now.
Perhaps I'm on the cusp of really knowing what I want. Well, rather feeling what I want. I don't want this woman complicating my life anymore.
Yeah, there's that part of me that's still, "what if...", and "it would be better for everyone if..." But I'm kind of tired of turning that over in my mind every time she struggles with her decisions.
Thinking it would be a good idea just to say, I'm ready to sign. Let's review the papers and get them back to the mediator.
Plus, if she's really struggling with all this, I worry that she may back out. I like being back in my house. I like having the boys there at night. This is a good arrangement for me. Still not sure about money with the support payments, but I can make that work I think.
Will sit on this for awhile, but think I'm close to saying, sorry, I need to move forward.
Perhaps I'm on the cusp of really knowing what I want. Well, rather feeling what I want. I don't want this woman complicating my life anymore.
The beauty of reaching such a point is that you finally begin making choices for honest reasons.
Your wife is still making choices out of fear. That's why you get so much of the push and pull from her. She's afraid to let go completely - she's afraid to recommit completely. The end result is that she is effectively paralyzed and finds herself unable to make any real progress in herself.
As long as you agree to continue this dance with her, you also struggle with paralysis.
Sometimes all it takes to break free from a stuck position is a change in the environment.
Moving forward, if that is where your heart and mind take you, does not put a final nail in the coffin of your relationship with this woman. As with so many of us with children, a tie remains.
It does seem to me that in many of the stories on this board, it is often a true and complete separation that finally allows the walking away spouse the space they need to be forced into dealing with their issues.
The irony is that often this separation leads the left behind spouse to reevaluate to the point that they find themselves more and more distanced from the relationship.
I personally think you are reaching a good point Bill, and you should follow what your instincts tell you is healthy for you and your boys.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Ok Bill, it sounds to me like you should tell her what you have just told us here. Honesty will go a long way here I think. You don't have to be mean about at all. Just tell her like it is ya know? "wife, I dont like the fact that you come and go as you please. We are getting divorced so I would like to live like we are."
YOU are the king of that castle now and let her stand by and watch as YOU run YOUR castle. Does'nt she have some other guy to tend too?
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I did talk to her today that we needed to seperate mode, and she should take the kids to her apartment after school, and she said she was planning to do that anyway. She knew I was annoyed with her this morning, and said that she knew she needed to respect my space. But - get this - she said instead of me dropping them off with her in the morning, they should take the bus to school.
This is what gets me - we're talking about 50/50 custody, and I'm PAYING her for that - and she has the gall to say that I've got them during the easy part, when they're sleeping, while she basically picks them up from school and I get them at 6:00 pm.
I didn't say that though, plenty of ammo on both sides if we get to fighting about it. Won't do anybody any good.
Anyway, the boys freaked out when they heard her mention the bus, and we agreed she's keep coming to the house in the morning for the time being.
I came home to - get this - dirty breakfast dishes on the table, stains on the new tablecloth I'd bought. Nice. Now, again, I know it's my boys making the messes, fair enough, but she would have never let them get away with that before.
Yeah, annoyed and disappointed.
Anyway, we did talk that we need to make some time to go over the papers and submit move forward. I think we're agreed on that right now.
I feel I'm adjusting to this being my family now. Think I'm doing pretty good as a single parent.
Thank you V - I really do appreciate you saying that.
I told her this morning what I would like to happen regarding breakfast, the dishes, etc. with the boys and she agreed, apologied for the mess.
Said that it would be OK if I started dropping them off in the morning.
Kind of edged toward me wanting a hug, so I gave her one.
Told me that she wished we could be friends. I guess I was asking pretty - what's the word - businesslike. I just said, "who said we're not friends?" just pretty matter-of-factly, and I'm sure the tone came across as "well that's just too bad."
Thinking about it today, I think what I'd like to tell her is, we're not friends. I'm your husband, or I'm not. That's not "friends"
Doesn't really matter at this point. It's not about her.
I think part of what's happening to me now is, taking care of everything myself, I'm internalizing finally that I DON'T NEED HER. I don't mean that in a petty way, what I mean is, the world hasn't ended, I can run the house, I can parent the boys, I can balance work (and maybe not be the gunner that I was, but that's OK), I can have a life, and I can do it all without her.
Keep that up with her. If you think you are not friends or don't want to be friends then just tell her that. If this were your first time around the D'coaster I might tell you something different but this is your second time around with her. It is about time she feels the loss of her best friend/husband.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
