Another great IC session today. I have just enough time to share some revelations and thought-provoking moments before dinnertime. After dinner, it's back to work on responding to Onthemountaintop's post from yesterday.
Session notes [and I really mean notes. I bring a spiral and pen with me and actually take notes.]
*IC said the focus of today would be my anger, which has been making itself known in the last week or so *IC reminded me as a disclaimer that this situation isn't about me; I'm not to blame; it's not my fault; there's only so much I can do *After discussing H's poor ability to follow through, IC asked me to consider my expectations in the marriage. In what ways am I playing into or did I play into a desire/fantasy that H could change and be able to be better at follow through? She said this is especially important for me to consider since I've known him for a few decades *IC said much of this is painful and difficult for me because I clearly see the potential for what might be or who he truly is, but he doesn't see the potential in himself (or our marriage, for that matter) *IC talked about my personal characteristics, my personality traits, my patience, and my career success. Because of these things, it's harder for me to comprehend and accept the things that have happened. She also asked me to look at what I've been willing to tolerate from H *She told me to remember to honor my feelings and realize that I'm entitled to them. It's okay that I feel angry, frustrated, abandoned, betrayed, and sad. I don't have to feel guilty for having those feelings, try to ignore them, or tell myself to get over it. TOUGH LESSON FOR ME!! *She asked me how I would feel or react if my situation had happened to a friend. What would I think? What would I do? What would I say? After I responded, she said that I should remember all that I said and have the same compassion for myself. *After listening to me describe my feelings and what is behind them, IC asked me some mind-blowing questions. In what ways do I foster dependency? In what ways has H been dependent? WHOA! Never thought about it before! *IC then asked me to consider on what our marriage was based. What enables any dependent behavior to continue? *IC said that it is common in our culture, but it's clear to her that I'm an over-functioner. She said two books describe behavior like this: The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy. She further said that it is easy to get angry or resentful when you are the one over-doing or over-functioning. The greater danger is when you begin to function emotionally for others *IC asked me to think about what satisfaction comes from having someone be dependent on you. If it feels good to be needed, then what is the motivation behind being needed? There's a difference in altruism and selfishness when it comes to being "needed" *She asked me to truly consider what it feels like to be dependent on another person. Am I dependent in any way on H? *As we were closing, she told me to remember that not everyone can think as reasonably or rationally as I do. Therefore, I should never assume that others can do this like I can *She asked me to think about ways I possibly set myself up to be hurt or for being vulnerable *Finally, IC encouraged me to honor myself and told me not to demand or expect too much of myself. I need to focus still on getting rest and eating regularly
I enjoyed my time with her, and I look forward to thinking and journaling about these things. She and I meet again next Tuesday. Not to be too Kafka-esque, but my metamorphosis has begun.
