Again, this may be bad to say here, but I would totally understand and support your decision to D. Even MWD says some M are not meant to be saved. Do I think you can save your M? Sure. But it has to be what you want and if you don't want it that's ok too.
I agree that it sounds like your H has deep seated problems and that nothing is going to substantially change unless he is willing to go to IC and find those answers on his own. Otherwise he is going to continue to blame you for anything and everything that pisses him off. I have several friends and family members who are lawyers so I totally get that mentality.
I still think it would do you good to be dark with him other than business matters and MC if you want to continue those sessions. If H doesn't understand that you need some time and space to think then that says a LOT. He doesn't get to control the sitch now, you do. If he isn't willing to give you that do you think he'll be willing to make any necessary changes?
Re: feelings not based on reality. Well, that's just every WAS. They rewrite history to justify their actions. If the fog has truly lifted then they'll realize this. BF said he'd been miserable for the previous five years, during which time we moved across country twice, went on fabulous vacations, and even looked at buying a vacation condo one month before the bomb dropped. He also said some pretty mean things that now he says he doesn't remember saying. If you ask him now he'll say that yes, things weren't great for a long time but he wasn't miserable for five years. So from your description it doesn't sound like H is completely out of the fog or totally ready to commit to building a new, stronger M with you.
How do you handle him when he's like this? You go dark and let him work it out on his own until he IS ready to do the necessary work. Because you don't want to have a M where you always do 90% of the work. It should be a partnership--you deserve no less.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I am pretty much a rock when he starts his delusional rants. I have learned to not get emotional over anything that he says...because a few minutes later, a few days later, or a few weeks later..he retracts what he says or denies saying them anyway. I guess similar to your bf.
Because I am not really fearful of losing him anymore..I am able to remain relatively unemotional. This actually motivates him more to get a rise out of me...and for the most part- I don't bite. He will finally calm down. It is like a child throwing a temper tantrum..screaming..faking tears..covering their eyes..but peeking thru their fingers to see if you are watching them. When he realizes he isn't going to get his way..he stops the immaturity.
I don't want to be the one to give 90% in this relationship. He told the MC- that I was the best wife that you could possibly ask for. Instead of focusing on all the good that I was..and loving me for all that I was..he continued to focus and resent me for all that I wasn't instead. I think because he views life thru a pessimistic lens...he doesn't understand how I don't match his mood. I am never going to change this. I am not an unhappy person and don't want to be. It is not that I don't understand the situation..I just don't let things effect me like they do him. He is a bundle of negativity.
When my H is good..he is so good. I guess because his bad is soooo bad...his good qualities are that much more appreciated and cherished. I don't know if he is capable of having a mature relationship..he has such difficulties understanding the feelings of others..he only sees his hurt and his pain. It is so puzzling to me and always has been.
I think I may be holding out for something that may never come. Part of me is afraid of letting go because I believe that he can change and become a better person. I don't need him to be the perfect person and I don't have a specific vision in my mind of what I need him to become..but just a genuinely good person. I have been hopeful that he has learned alot from our M and this awful experience and make changes for the better..and after all the hell we have been thru..I won't get to reap the rewards of that. Someone else will. It is probably silly way of thinking..but this is what has been going thru my mind.
For such a rational person...he is just so ridiculously irrational at times. I deserve better.
Yes you do. I would challenge you to ask yourself why you have sought out and accepted this relationship for so long. The only way it makes sense is if you thought a better person is there...lurking...underneath.
Do you believe that? I know that's what keeps me in because the good in my W is there...somewhere.
The more time that goes on I think that she's just gone. How long do you wait for them to catch up to you?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I ask myself this question often. My H mother asks this question often. She believes he is just gone. She thinks he is completly off the deep end and not sure if he will return.
I am so grateful for my H's family's support..it helps me to keep my sanity when H is behaving so insane. My MIL asked me to come have dinner with her tonight. I had plans already but I feel so fortunate to have such caring in laws.
Grit- you deserve better too..who does deserve this BS??? Like you..I do also believe that the good man I married still exists...but I am losing faith in that. Actually- I know that there is goodness in him...but I think his dark side is too overwhelming for me.
I feel like I made such a big mistake marrying a man like him..and this is not good. I have never been a romantic..never dreamed of my wedding day although I had a fabulous wedding..never felt like I needed to get married and have children...I just always wanted a good man besides me to share my life with. I think I just may have chose wrong.
I loved my H for all that he was and for all that he wasn't. I always joked with him...I will love you just the same when you are fat and bald. I love much deeper than him. I don't harbor resentment for everything he has done.. It was funny because when my H was over yesterday..he made this comment "I think we can get over the affair..but the other issues we have will be more difficult to get over". Why would he say this? Because I am the one that would have to do work to get over his A- not him...and I am so much more forgiving and caring than he ever has been. He is resentful because his bathroom wasn't completed in time..and I don't understand his pain. It is just crazy. He is resentful of every little thing that has happened for the past 10 years. This is why he is an angry person. He cannot let go.
I think I have said this multiple times..but after learning of my H affair..my H said to me "I thought you were lucky to have me...I was wrong..I took you for granted". Being away from him..I can honestly say without anger..my H never deserved me..not because I am cocky or conceited..but I have always been too good to him and for him. It was hard for me to believe that with all his put downs and insults..but being away from the situation..I can see that he never deserved my love. That has helped me to continue to detach from him.
I am struggling with this too. The person I believed in is not here. She is guilty only of her own pain and confusion. But that does not excuse her.
I am just trying to figure whether I want to make a life with someone that can make these kind of decisions. I mean it does call into question some core values that I hold very sacred.
The most important goal in this process in my opinion is to get you in a better place so you won't make a rash decision.
My IC has pulled me back to every 2 weeks. She thinks I'm in a good place. I don't want the rollercoaster of W and whether she is going to see "the light" to get in the way of my wellbeing.
I'm sorry I am detaching but there is a part of you that still hopes AND HAS TO if you want your M.
We don't have kids and yes it will be my 2nd D but WTF?
I don't know just ranting I guess.
Bill Cosby is funny! Glad you and your mama had fun!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I think many M don't survive infidelity because the LBS take the opportunity to really examine what they want and if they can have that with their WAS. I'm all for saving M's if that's what you want, but if you realize that you can't be truly happy and fulfilled with your WAS then so be it.
Losing the fear is key. Once you can look at things without fear of change, fear of loss, fear of anything, then the picture becomes much clearer.
Yes, we all deserve better. Some people believe they can have better with their spouse, some people realize if they want better it will be with another person.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
The only thing I really FEAR is that process continues to be a speed bump in becoming truly healthy. By design it has the goal of keeping the M. I very much want that. I am not sure W can ever get there.
I am finding that I am struggling with the fact that my W continues an A. I know she is on her journey and I can't force this. But I am finding I don't want this as part of my life. It's like I'm walking arounding with a knife sticking out of my chest.
I should probably post this on my thread.
I guess I am coming to a cross road. The picture IS becoming clear and the only variable is time.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
lolawar... your last post really resignated with me, feeling that your H never deserved you and why you feel that way.... your last few posts feel like something I could have written myself... I am struggling with the same feelings...
I am not sure what my exact fear of letting go is... or if its just that I hate that my H just doesnt want me, even though I realize that I would most likely be better without him and probably always would have been... I guess just the fact that he felt miserable with me, even though I know that I am too good for him and always have been (just like you said, not in a conceited way, I 100% get you) It blows my mind that he didnt see that and I guess has the audacity to say I made him miserable... I know I had some issues, such as arguing, but they were in no way anything to amount to this....I love so much deeper than him just like you said about your H... I am starting to see that, like you, despite his put downs, what I really am as a person, I am much more mature than he is (come to find out) and have a much more deep rooted and spiritual understanding of love and marriage and commitment, and forgiveness.
Its not easy to let go of the fear, whatever that fear is rooted from... I guess for me its just being lonely for awhile, having to start over job wise and pick up and move across the world (I am over in Turkey on a military base right now) and the fear of falling for another man who will turn out to be not who I thought he was.
I too loved my H for all that he was and all that he wasnt... and in my situation, my H was overweight when I married him, he gained alot of weight while we were dating, and I still loved him just the same. Before he told me he wanted a D, he lost 40 lbs and now acts very conceited and full of himself... doesnt seem to realize or care that I loved him just the same regardless of his appearance.
I also fear that the good man that i thought was my H is still in there somewhere... which makes it tough to let go, but who he is right now is NOT someone I could be with, I would have to do 90% of all the work and then I would be miserable.
I even find myself sometimes, when I bring up talks about our M or reconciling... suggesting that I stay a few more months to see where this could go with us... I find myself saying it outloud to him, but inside almost hoping that he doesnt go for it... thats crazy! but its true... but unfortunately for me, I dont have to hope for too long, because even though he typically does go for it at first, its always short lived.
I think I have come to a point where I just have to realize that it is best for us to D... even though it is sad, and I didnt marry him for a trial run marriage... I do love him... but there are things that have always stared me in the face that would normally be red flags that we shouldnt be together, but I ignored them, thinking I could deal with it... and now that the idea of D has come along, I find myself really really thinking whether or not it is now worth ignoring those things for love for him, if THIS is what I now have to deal with... wouldnt I just be miserable all around then? I have those crappy things... and he doesnt hardly love me...
I feel you lolawar... i really really get you
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
I even find myself sometimes, when I bring up talks about our M or reconciling... suggesting that I stay a few more months to see where this could go with us... I find myself saying it outloud to him, but inside almost hoping that he doesnt go for it..
I know that feeling all too well. I sometimes view this as an opportunity to get out and start fresh. I would never have left my H...not because I was super happy..and all my needs were being met..but because I am typically happy in my life- and my M (up until the A)..didn't bring me down. I would have loved him for a lifetime- hands down. I sometimes wondered what it would be like to be married to someone else..especially when he was being a jerk- but I always thought..who doesnt? Grass is always greener..I would convince myself..and maybe that is true- but.....maybe just maybe it is greener?? I guess I am also not a quitter..I bent over backwards trying to make my H happy..quite often resulting in me chasing my tail..He wasn't capable of being happy.
When my H was having his delusional rant on Saturday..he was arguing that we don't connect emotionally or intellectually..and because of this..he gets frustrated..and is forced to call me names...and he doesn't like to have to do that but he is left no other choice. I just stared at him...and thought-said like a true emotionally abusive man...I make him call me names. Then he takes back what he said.
After all of this..why do I want my M?? How am I willing to give him another shot? Why am I so willing to forgive the unforgiveable with someone who is so unforgiving? I am still trying to figure that out..there really isn't too many reasons..and nobody around me is pushing me to get back with him..including his family..I think everyone wishes I would cut the cord and let him live with his mistakes.
Well I think it is over. Had a talk with my H tonight..we are going to divorce. He is still so angry and resentful of me for everything. I am sad but relieved. I am going to get an appraisal for my home this week and then we will start the paper work. I feel a bit shocked right now. I guess that is the way I should be feeling. ughhh.
