Too Late For Us?

[mrbt]

ShockedOne, I understand what you are saying. The message I sent to OM was quit a while ago - October? Wife hasn't said anything about it as this would mean she'd have to admit being in contact with OM.

[mrbt]

Arrgggggg! Can someone tell me why I still care. Why haven't I given up yet?

[Number 8]

Arrgggggg! Can someone tell me why I still care. Why haven't I given up yet?

If our situations weren't so terribly painful, then this would be hilarious! It's so funny because it's true.

You haven't given up for all the reasons the rest of us haven't. We love our spouses. We're human. We have hope. And many, if not all, of us believe in miracles.

It was a beautiful day today (much to your disappointment, I'm sure ). I think it would help us both to sit outside, have a glass of wine, and think about the good things in our lives.

[mrbt]

I think wife and I make a very odd couple. This past Tuesday wife had a court date scheduled - we would have been divorced had she not cancelled 30 minutes prior to the hearing. Yesterday she spent the night. We spent the entire day together today; had dinner at her place; she watched a movie with me at my place. All this as if everything was "normal" - that is until she leaves at the end of the night - then I remember things are not "okay" - we are still getting divorced - I think????

[mrbt]

Update.

Its been one week since the cancelled divorce hearing.Things have been peaceful. We have been spending a lot of time together but not talking about our situation. We went for a walk late last night and she told me that she has been looking for an apartment and still plans to go ahead with the divorce. None of this was a surprise to me.

[Number 8]

How strange it must be to have such dramatic differences in the time you spend together and the things she says. I'm sorry that she still says she plans to go ahead. While I know it's not a surprise to you, I imagine it still hurts.

Thinking of you.

[mrbt]

Just got the news. The new divorce hearing date is Tuesday, April 20. Wife invited me over for coffee this morning. I could tell something was bothering her. She was very fidgety. She asked me to lay in bed with her and then she gave me the news . . .

M: "You're sad today. What's wrong?"
W: "I called my attorney yesterday"
M: "Yeah?"
W: (silent)
M: "Did you reschedule the hearing?"
W" "Yes"
M: "When is it?"
W" "Tuesday"
M: "Is this why your face broke out with acne yesterday?"
W: "I guess so . . ."
M: "Hmmmm?"
W: "And, I am having shortness of breath at work."
M/W: (conversation related to wife's counseling and issues being stirred up as a result)
W: "I need to stay with you today - feeling unstable."
M: "Let's go to my place. I will make breakfast."
(Wife's boss calls - she went to work two hours early)

[mrbt]

I have never discussed the complete story behind my situation. When I made my very first post here I was not comfortable sharing the very personal stuff. I wanted to be concise and not confuse the issue. Now, I feel like I need to explain why I have such difficulty not being nice to my walk-away-wife.

My wife was sexually abused by her father starting at age five (maybe younger) and continuing until the age of sixteen. She was subsequently abused by other adults in her life. Just a few years after the abuse ended, at the age of nineteen, my wife and I met. We married at the age of twenty-three.

I have known about her history from the very beginning. The first time she told me, my reaction was something like "Wow! That sucks but you're okay, I'm okay. No big deal." (hindsight tells me it is a big deal)

Because of her history I have always been protective of her. However, knowing her history has caused me to excuse some not-so-good behavior. I believe this why things are the way they are today.

Over the years I have learned (the hard way and by reading) about how long-term sexual abuse affects a person. As it turns out, early childhood abuse can really have an impact at mid-life.

My wife recently started seeing a counselor and is being treated for PTSD. Just as her counselor predicted, the PTSD treatment has "activated" her (meaning previously known and new memories surface, flashbacks become more common, etc).

This morning, before the topic of the divorce was raised, my wife told me she wanted to have sex with me (she used different words). But, it occurred to her that the specific sexual act she was craving meant re-living the abuse; meaning sex with me = sex with her father. This realization was making her feel physically ill and was causing her to have thoughts of cutting (cutting her arms with a razor to counteract the thoughts of pleasurable sex).

After telling me all the above, and after telling me of the divorce hearing, she was feeling a little unstable and asked to go to my place. In this moment, cooking breakfast seemed like the right thing to do.

[Number 8]

mrbt, I am at a loss for words. Or almost at a loss. I'm so sorry for you and for W. These are terribly difficult issues, and it's no wonder the therapy has dredged up so much within her.

You are an excellent H to her, and your loyalty speaks volumes of your character.

If cooking breakfast seemed like the right thing to do, then it was. I understand why you did it, and I support your choice.

((((mrbt))))

[mrbt]

Thanks 8. Just waiting for Tuesday to come and go.