Britt's post today sure stured up some excitement. I am so happy to see someone succeed. While reading her post something caught my attention. When she finally said to he H that she is going to move on w/o him that seemed to be the turning point for her. I am considering doing the same.
For those who know me know I have been here for some time and I feel my situation is stuck. I recieve nothing from my W. We see each other twice a week for 10 minutes top and that is just to exchange the kids. I have complimented her on her looks many times when we meet but I barely get a thanks.
Two months ago see saw a mediator so we could get a post nuptial agreement in Place "In case things don't wok out"
It seems like she is afraid to follow through with it b/c it has been two months and she hasn't contacted me when to meet her to discuss it.
My patience wears thin sometimes but I find away to regroup and refocus. However | i am at the point where I need to do things for me and my kids.
I am in the house and share the kids 50/50. she has move into an apartment.
I what to know what our financial situation is going to be so I could make a decision wether or not to sell the house and get something in only my name.
This is what I'm thinking now and any advice would be appreciation:
Contact a realtor and find out what I could get for the house. Used this information and tell W I want to sell the house and move on or buy her out.
I have been GAL and 180ing my butt off and feel the only way to get through to he is to tell her I'm not going to be this R anymore and deserve better.
Any way back to the title heading,
PDT said that most success stories when the LBS decides to be the WAS. Is there validity to this? I know Coach's story does no fit this senario but do most others do???
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
In my opinion, it's not when the LBS decides to be a WAS, it's when the LBS finally detaches, and escapes from the action/reaction game. Stops looking for signs in every interaction. Stops worrying about "what will they think?". Really gets a life. Really starts taking care of themselves. In other words, when they are living DBing, and not just trying to act it. When they make changes in themselves, for themselves, and not because it might "bring them back".
So, I think that from the outside, it might look like they have become a WAS. I would say it's more that they have stopped being codependent, and are living an actual life of their own. I don't believe that's the same as being a WAS.
For me it's not so much that the LBS walks away. It's the idea that they detach and aren't caring about what the WAS is doing. It's not saying that you don't care about the M, it's that you get all the pressure off the WAS and concentrate on yourself.
When the LBS starts living well and starts to thrive, sometimes it gives the impression that they've "moved on" and in many ways they have.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It is WHEN the WAW begins to FEEL (notice the word FEEL or FEELINGS) that the BS may not only have let go, but that they MAY (notice the word may) have now lost the BS for good...
The betrayed spouse has their best chance when the wayward stops thinking "how do I get out of this" to..
"did I go too far? what have I done? maybe I have made a mistake"....
Those thoughts CAN NOT enter the WS's mind UNTIL they start to ponder that they may have lost the betrayed spouse.
As long as the WS still thinks you want them back it doesn't matter how much of GAL you do. Part of the GAL that is so important is the part where the WS WONDERS if you are emotionally finished.. finito.. done.. The only way to do that is with NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT. NONE.
There are numerous examples of men and women on this site that admit they have gotten a life, but still haven't shown or convinced the WS that maybe, just maybe they have lost you for good. THAT is the key of GAL that opens the door to reconcile. (which is the biggest key the BS doesn't do.)
I would say that the things I mentioned could cause the WA to have exactly those thoughts. Because the BS isn't hanging on every word, isn't looking at every reaction.
It's not an act, or a strategy. It's when it becomes the way you really live.
Question for ya. What do you do when the WAS wants to come back and work on the marriage. This just happened to me. I moved out and then slowly started to pull away. Husband ended things with the OW but OW got pissed and called and told me everything after he ended it with her. I didn't speak to husband for a week and a half and I could tell that he was trying to feel me out via text messages to see how far gone I was from him.
Now today he tells me that he wants to do whatever needs to be done to save our marriage. Whatever I want he will do. How do you know when to give the WAS another chance? If I let him back to easily then what has he learned...NOTHING...I fear that he will think that he can just do it again and come back when he feels like it. So how do you get into piecing without risking the WAS doing it again?
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
It is WHEN the WAW begins to FEEL (notice the word FEEL or FEELINGS) that the BS may not only have let go, but that they MAY (notice the word may) have now lost the BS for good...
The betrayed spouse has their best chance when the wayward stops thinking "how do I get out of this" to..
"did I go too far? what have I done? maybe I have made a mistake"....
Those thoughts CAN NOT enter the WS's mind UNTIL they start to ponder that they may have lost the betrayed spouse.
As long as the WS still thinks you want them back it doesn't matter how much of GAL you do. Part of the GAL that is so important is the part where the WS WONDERS if you are emotionally finished.. finito.. done.. The only way to do that is with NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT. NONE.
There are numerous examples of men and women on this site that admit they have gotten a life, but still haven't shown or convinced the WS that maybe, just maybe they have lost you for good. THAT is the key of GAL that opens the door to reconcile. (which is the biggest key the BS doesn't do.)
I agree. This is where we were. This is what turned us around. When I FINALLY detached and actually didn't care anymore. And was okay with the situation and was done with the crap is when H got really really really scared!
He began thinking..."wait a minute, maybe this isn't what I want. All along I have made the decisions and was able to come and go as I pleased and could come home at any time and she would be there waiting for me....but now....(this is when I finally detached) I don't have the choice, I may have lost her for good, I'm not in the driver seat anymore, and if this is a possibility that I have lost her than its not what I want"
And he came home...
Its not turning into the WAS, its detaching and turning into the WAS comes naturally.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
4luv, I would love to give you some advice on how to go about this as I was there. But I did it alllll wrong! I let him in the house within hours of requesting to do so. And didn't hold him accountable for anything. He came home as he pleased and we got no where for 21/2 months. Please do not do that. I'm sure someone will chime in on the correct way to go about things. Good luck! And yay for you!
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Question for ya. What do you do when the WAS wants to come back and work on the marriage. This just happened to me. I moved out and then slowly started to pull away. Husband ended things with the OW but OW got pissed and called and told me everything after he ended it with her. I didn't speak to husband for a week and a half and I could tell that he was trying to feel me out via text messages to see how far gone I was from him.
Now today he tells me that he wants to do whatever needs to be done to save our marriage. Whatever I want he will do. How do you know when to give the WAS another chance? If I let him back to easily then what has he learned...NOTHING...I fear that he will think that he can just do it again and come back when he feels like it. So how do you get into piecing without risking the WAS doing it again?
VERY good question..
The whole idea behind this site is to SAVE a marriage. That is the goal. yes? no?...
My answer to your question is to say things to him NOW that he was throwing up at you before when he was wayward....
For example.. (this may not be your example, just generic)
"Husband. I am NOT really sure right now how I feel. I know you say you want to do whatever I say, but I now realize that I just don't want to be with a man who is unfaithful. I WILL NOT be with a man who doesn't give back. I need some time and space right now. Anyway I have a call on the other line and I don't have time to talk right now. I have to go."
Do you see there that you did NOT put any pressure or conditions on him? Do you see how you are giving him "letting go" talk? Do you see that IF he is serious that his only answer to you has to be...."I am sorry I was unfaithful and I will do anything to make it work"..???
Do you understand that by you playing a little "hard to get" that this may be the exact thing to do? Don't YOU remember when you thought HE felt that way? Do you remember what a tailspin it puts you in?
IF he loves you, then he WILL do anything you want...
Right now YOU are NOT SURE what you want. You want time. Get it? IF he loves you he isn't going anywhere. Matter of fact this usually gets a man to try HARDER...
How many times do I have to tell you women these things?
It is your LOW SELF ESTEEM that causes you to question my advice. Fake it...
Don't just play hard to get.. but.. BE HARD TO GET.. Be a prize he has to earn. MAKE him earn your love back. You don't have to be mean to him. Just be a little mysterious and let him think you really aren't sure right now. You want to think it over.. The funny thing is that I really think by your question to me that you really DO want to think this over. And yet your low self esteem is wanting to rush back in too soon. Let him earn it
Remember. He has to give up the OW and yet it has to be because he WANTS to not because you forced him. The only way to do that is to let him think that he has gone too FAR. That he has maybe blown it. Are you a second choice type woman? Don't be. Let him feel that he can HAVE the OW.. BUT.. he can't have you too..
