reconciliation after divorce?

[dday101798]

What is there to not understand? You had an affair, a emotionally (and beyond) crippling experience to your W. Further more you denied it for so long. Now, put the shoe on the other foot for a moment.

[any chance?]

This is the second day since W asked for a D and I agreed. She is an emotional wreck. Do I reach out to her, or ignore the situation. Her comments tell me she is trying to deal with the situation, but is conflicted. I assume now is not the time to talk about any type of R issues, correct? This is very painful, as you all know. What to do?

[dday101798]

What to do?

RETRACT YOU AGRREANCE!!!!!!!

You screwed around on your W, she's dealt with it for years, the shame, the embaresment, the personal conflict within, the cover ups. And now she no longer has the streinght to do that anymore, feels divorce is the only way (which it may just be) and YOU, the affairee agree?!?!!?!

Own up. NOW.

I'm sure you may have, but ask her what you can do to prove yourself the better option to her, while admitting and fully disclosing everything. Ask her what you can say or do to make her feel more at ease. And if she blurts out "divorce me", the simple answer is, I'm affraid I can't do that.

[any chance?]

The fact that I agreed to the D sent her into a total tailspin. I suspect it is not the time to retract my agreement, and that doing so would make matters much worse at this point. Do I reach out (which my hearts wants to do) or leave her alone? There are numerous R issues I want to talk about, but I sense that doing so would be seen as pursuing and trying to convince her to change her mind (which is what I want to happen, but I have my doubts). Do I give this time? I am lost here.

[dday101798]

I'm going to be point blank blunt here, I'm known for swinging 4x4's or 2x6's, the common 2x4 just don't don't cut it for me, and I'm in a real bad mood right now, so nothing personal:

Do you have a heart?

If the tables were turned and she had the affair all those years ago (and don't even pedel any jive that it was only for a month) and you had to bury that within you you knew, you're wife lied continually and probably called you nuts and all to cover it up, and you harbored the hurt, the rage, the embaressment, the depression, for soooo long that the only way to find your self peace is to leave the situation and divorce her, wouldn't you be the slightest bit upset when she agrees to it instead of saying something like "I'm ever so sorry, I want to make things right, let's find a way to live our lives without this looming around".

Wouldn't YOU be upset?????

[MrBond]

Whew. I wouldn't be as harsh as dday, but....

The thing is that you might have come to grips with the A but your W hasn't. The reasons why you cheated on her and how you treated her afterwards are fresh in her mind. Now I'm not saying that's the only reason and I'm not saying that's an excuse for her fooling around. What I'm saying is that you need to nail down the specific reasons you did those things in the first place and make amends.

No amount of begging, saying you've changed, etc. will work because quite frankly, she didn't see any of it until she threatened to divorce you.

What you need to do right now is:
1) Tell her you've changed your mind about the D. That you thought about it and that believe that you two can work things out.
2) Apologize for all the hurt you've caused and say you want to move forward to healing and helping.
3) Stop all relationship talk after that.
4) SHOW her the changes but EXPECT NOTHING.
5) You're doing what all newcomers do and are expecting her to change her attitude because YOU've suddenly changed. This is on her timetable not yours.

So again, state what you want not what she wants. Show her you understand her hurt. And continue the positives.

[any chance?]

So now I find out that she started talking with the OM, who she says she hasn't spoken to in weeks/months for the last several days while reaching the decision of the D. Daily meetings/conversations. He is helping her work toward D in my opinion. Want to confront both of them, but not sure that is the way to go. Really in a bad, bad place here. She IMMEDIATELY runs to the OM. She has probably been with him the entire time. I am such a fool.

[MrBond]

Well why shouldn't she go after the OM? You agreed to the D.

That's why you need to take that back. Not out of desperation, but because it's the right thing to do.

AFTER you state that, then tell the OMW. Gather whatever evidence you have and give it to her. Your W will be pissed, but you calmly tell her that you will not share her with another man (this will sound hypocritical to her because of what you did).

She has ZERO respect for you now that probably stemmed from your A. You have to earn that respect back.

[any chance?]

I think this thing needs a cooling off period. All kinds of emotions banging around on all sides. Nothing is going to happen on the D for several days, and we had a chance to talk about mistakes, particularly mine, in our R today. Not sure where any of this is headed. Things are moving way too fast

[MrBond]

What did you talk about?