I dread this but know that it is something I must do.
No, of COURSE you don't, IDU. There's a reason they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties in a legal action. It's adversarial -- by design.
What do you do? Right now, as everyone else has said, NOTHING. You've stated your boundaries, she has violated them, and now you must begin moving on. I do think you should lock the house up tight next time, turn all the lights out, and if you have one, arm the security system (after changing its password, naturally).
My dad used to yell and holler and scream at us when he was mad. His brother -- my uncle -- was exactly the opposite. After my cousin shot-putted an old croquet ball he had found outside once right thru my uncle's station wagon window (safety glass shattered EVERYWHERE!), his dad didn't speak to him AT ALL for all that evening and all the next day.
"Isn't he going to YELL at you?" I asked my cousin.
"No, but I wish he would," he said, scared out of his mind. "It'd be easier that way. It's much scarier when he's quiet." Be like my uncle.
So, I guess it's over, or at least going to the next shi77y level. W got home after school board meeting after 1:30 am. I was sitting in the bedroom, dressed, waiting. She asked what was wrong. I said, really? After all we talked about this and you think it is OK for a married woman to stay out this late, especially with the problems we are having.
Then we walked outside and continued, she was done, blah, blah, blah. And flat out lying about things. She knows I know she is lying and still tries to pass the blame on to me. IDU!
She says divorce can be civil and we can all be friends. I told her if that's what she thought, she had another thing coming. She needed to find a place to go and leave me and the kids in the house. I told you before, it's not what I want, but I can't decide for you. She said you're right, I want out but I'm not leaving these kids. I told her she asked me twice to leave them. No, she said, I asked you to leave me, not the kids, they will always love you.
I told her again, she needed to find a place, it was her that didn't want to try to work things out. She said again that she wouldn't leave.
So--now what?
Please help with next step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have now reached the point I was at around Sept 11 of last year, when I locked my W out of the house and forced her to stay at the neighbor's after a day with the OM that she lied about and then came home drunk. Sure didn't paint a pretty picture of her in the neighbors' eyes. But in her state I doubt my W felt any shame.
Same pattern - W and you discuss things, you think she may be "getting it" and then she does something completely disrespectful as if all words went in one ear and out the other (which basically they did).
Seems crude, but you almost have to view your W as a drug addict. She's lost, unable to control her cravings and will do anything and everything to get that high, no matter what you say. But you don't have to put up with that behavior, especially with the kids. You still love her, but you have to attach consequences to her behavior and let her know that when she chooses herself over family, you will choose family protection over her. Next time lock the doors and tell her you are not going to expose the kids to that.
I faced the same problem with my W being unwilling to leave; finally she agreed to moving out, so the problem was resolved. A bit more tricky if she won't budge. Maybe start by saying you won't have her in your bed and she needs to sleep on the couch or in another room.
Legally I don't know what other steps you can take to bounce her, perhaps someone else could provide input there. But rest assured, if there are no consequences you will see more of the same.
If I can offer any help at all so that you don't make my mistakes, commit to being done, even though you are still open to reconciliation. What I mean by that is to not try to reason with her because you can't reason with (for lack of a better term) a psycho. Do not initiate any attempt to fix anything, like suggesting MC. She's likely to feed you little signals that will suck you in and disrupt your detachment. Then she'll feel like the heat is off and go do something stupid.
Any reconciliation attempt has to come from her. Set up the boundaries you need, tell her you or the kids will not tolerate OM contact in front of you or in the house. And no more late nights with the OM and coming home as if it was nothing. Very hard not to bring anger into it but you have to try to be businesslike and not be condescending or treat her like she's your daughter. You have self respect and a family to protect, and that's why you are taking these steps.
This is a crappy point in the ordeal, so I feel for you. Now it is about leaving it up to God and figuring out for yourself when you've reached the point where you have had enough. As you know that's what I'm dealing with now. And I think when the time is right, He will let us know it. She will either come back, or we will be at the point where we no longer want her back and He'll give us the all clear to end it.
I.D.U., I came here cuz I heard you needed some great advice. I see now that you've already been given it, by Pigskin.
There's really nothing I can add (although I just did, before I saw Pigskin's post).
I know she has seen the changes. I know there is still room for improvement. She just goes back and forth and I keep spinnig around in a circle. How am I supposed to tell what works if it works for a while and then it just stops for no apparent reason? Things will be going good-relatively speaking-and then back to the crap.
Someone once wisely said, about the stock market, "It's like a man walking up and down the stairs, playing with a yo-yo. If you keep your eyes focused on the yo-yo, you will miss the overall direction that the man is walking."
I think this applies to DBing, and "doing what works." Are the immediate threats to your marriage getting better, getting worse, or staying the same?
I may have posted this to you before, IDU, but one of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
I agree 100% that pigskin has given me some great advice. That's why I prefaced my post the way I did. I hadn't heard from you in a while and value your input and wisdom. Thanks for responding even if it was only to validate what others have been saying.
I am really trying, and I knew to expect some backlash. It was so callous and vicious this time, like she really meant it was over. I know, don't mind read!
I will do nothing and not get into a confrontation with her. We'll see how it goes.
Thanks for all the input today, everyone! I am in a bad place right now as most of you have been in yourselves. I can use all the strength I can get to help me through the times ahead. It's all been gearing up towards this. Now the real work begins.
I can do it. I will be strong enough. I have to do this.
Is it really like a drug? I have read about it and read many of your posts. No wonder they are so f'd up.
I know in the grand scheme of things, I haven't been doing this very long. I am always having trouble monitoring the results as they say. I know I am not detached yet. Closer than I was a few months ago, but not close where I need to be. Really, I guess you are or you aren't.
Is complete detachment really the "secret"? I have pulled back and don't pursue, and it was working. Now the next shoe has dropped. Pull back all the way and see if she responds. She's still in the house but not really there. Not the wife I've known for 11 years anyway. Nothing to lose. I know what I have to do. I have done what I have been told so far. It took me too long in some instances and I know now's not the time to chicken out.
It does help to vent my frustrations here, eventhough they are basically the same as everyone else's. Thank you all.
pigskin, you have posted the most on my thread and our families are similar with age of kids and so forth. I do value your opinion. You give great advice and need to start following that great advice. You sound like a great person who is having trouble letting go just as I am. I am praying for you and hope God answers those prayers the way you want him to. I hope he answers mine the way I want. Human nature. We have to listen, though. Sometimes he speaks so quietly.
and the longer you are complacent, set weak boundaries and fail to follow through with the consequences of breaking your boundaries she will continue seek that high.
codependency is like a drug also. think about that.
