I am so confused. I keep reminding myself not to pay attention to any comment H makes about R. H started to mention his lack of romantic feelings for me Sunday night and I didn't want to talk about R at all.
H had told me earlier in the day that I seemed much calmer lately, not very talkative. I asked if I seemed sad (I was worried I did), but he said no, that I seemed just calm. He actually asked if I was taking a new medication or something!
So, to change the subject I brought that up and told him that I should be honest with him about how I have found some peace and become calmer and quieter lately. I reminded him how I don't handle surprises and can't operate very well without a plan. So, I have been planning. Plans from A to Z for all sorts of scenarios. I have armed myself with all sorts of plans that ensure that the kids and I are thriving. I told him that he is not part of most of those back up plans, so I haven't been discussing them with him. I told him that he is not a safe friend for me to share things with right now. He started to cry. So, I then made sure I was clear that plan A is for this M to work out beautifully for all of us.
Then I may have made a big mistake. Please tell me what you think. I pushed further and let him know that some of my options include a move to be closer to my family (several states away). Believe it or not, I have a job that is in high demand and available all over the country. I am walking taller after reassuring myself with the facts. I am independent in nature and will be ok. He became so distraught that he had a panic attack. I almost called 911 because he was having trouble breathing, could not walk and was trembling horribly.
I told him that I haven't made any decisions, but I am at peace because I have options. I assured him that I don't make rash decisions (he knows this) and that whatever path I take, he will not be surprised. This calmed him down a bit. I then asked what he thought a D would look like down the road. He said he envisioned how we would always live in the same town and if one of us wanted to apply for a job somewhere else we would consult together and always decide together where to live. For the sake of the kids, he thought if one moved, the other would too. WHAT??? Yeah, this is how all the divorced people work it out! They follow each other around their whole life and ALWAYS agree on what is best for the children! DUH!!
He still says I am still his best friend and he doesn't want to lose that. Well, most people destroy their BFF!
It's like every time he opens his mouth I am in my head just saying "crazy talk, crazy talk" trying not to buy in to whatever he is selling. This is so annoying!
Our interactions since then have been upbeat and way off topic. We're chatting happy and covering the logistics of running this household. I just don't know what damage I have done.
