OK I'm confused and I'm sure you are too. Way too many mixed signals.
Why do you talk about the OM with your wife? That's a boundary violation.
If she is with the OM, why do you spend time with her? Do you expect that being friends with your wife will cause her to leave the OM? That won't work, you are helping her emotional healing during this process by being the "good friend/nice guy", you're so sticky sweet sounding.
Couple clues for you to look at, she mentioned noticing that woman touching your shoulder, this is typical with WAW's in affairs. It's ok for them to have affairs and be physically intimate with new partners but they tend to have a possessive nature when it comes to their LBH's (YOU). Spending 4 hours talking to you on the phone is another clue, you are the cushion, you are making her transition with the OM easy.
Maybe this is a personal choice but I couldn't be friends with my wife is she was actively involved in an affair with another man. No apologies offered either, I could be civil because you're still a co-parent to children you will always share but no friendship, none of my friends treat me that poorly, I have high standards when it comes to my friends, they're the best and they treat me awesome and vice versa - I don't see your wife doing that for you.
Telling her you needed space was a good move, when will she be moving out? You guys aren't still sleeping in the same bed are you? Especially with her being involved with the OM, that would be really weird. Based on your last post I'll assume you guys haven't been physically intimate in a long time.
It is time for you to get out there again. It displays confidence and strength, holding on to her and talking to her and being supportive the way you are still shows your attachment to her. Let her go.
Time for you to date other women and enjoy it. No one says you have to find the next relationship in your life but get out there, get used to meeting women, get signed up with an online dating site and start meeting new women, it will do wonders for your confidence and get you back into "MAN" mode.
Your constant interaction with your wife can't be helping you, if anything I bet you still want her back now more than ever. Observe that dynamic, she's with someone else but you still want her back - I'll say that you still want her back because you're still posting on this forum with the details of your life and what she's still doing, you're still invested in this, you still want to crack this nut and win this game. Well, do the opposite of what you're doing, your clue was that she noticed when that women touched your shoulder a specific way, your wife was watching, she spent enough time observing that action for her curiousity to be affected in such a way that she's asking questions.
In the end, she knows that if she wanted you back, she could snap her fingers and you would come running. Moving on, telling her you need space, escalating the time schedule for when she moves out, dating other women, etc. This is going to make reality set in, currently she's in a fantasy, everyone except for some of your family is treating her excellent even though she wants to divorce you and even though she's with another man. Alter her fantasy by you starting to see & date another woman (or two or three), watch what happens. "I thought you loved me and would wait for me? Are you seeing someone? You're dating?! Who?! Why?! Is this why you wanted me to move out faster?"
She has 2 men, the OM who she wants and continues to pursue and her husband that is pursuing her (indirectly but still pursuing her by being her emotional healing cushion and person to talk to because no one else understands her like you do). Stop pursuing, move in the opposite direction, stop being available for these chats with your wife, start making plans and being unavailable to her, start dating and don't hide it (but don't flaunt it like a jerk prick either) and start enjoying your single life.
Either that or continue being there for her and hoping that one day she'll wake up from her "fog" and want her husband back.
