Thank you all for your exceptional advice. FM, I have not been focusing at all on thought-stopping when it comes to my H. I am actually thinking of him more than ever. He leaves for deployment in 2 and 1/2 weeks. So I guess desparation in settling in. I KNOW that I NEED to focus on me ABSOLUTELY and leave my H to God and to give him the space he needs.
He has indicated through text messages and emails recently over the last few days that he is (1) very confused, (2) not happy spending time with others, and (3) that he has missed me "on occasion".
Well I expected something to happen from this and spent the weekend in a hole. I KNOW - NOT GOOD!. He has been emailing a lot over the last few days and this morning his message about how he is spending his time - with "friends" from work and that while he is not wearing his wedding ring, he pulls it out occasionally.
I "spun out of control" this past weekend and need to learn how to get more of a grip. The GALing is not been consistent and sometimes I just don't feel like doing anything.
The H cancelled the 2 court summons he filed. Now I am waiting for the LS to drop on me. I think I also need to find a new L, because I am doing my own research and asking questions, but it doesn't appear that the advice acknowledges my research or even lends an ear to at least assessing how any of my input could be used.
I guess I am feeling defeated, I am tired, and feel that my H will never return or be willing to try again.
What a day....
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I understand the defeated feeling. do not dwell on whether your H will return or not. You must save yourself before that can ever happen successfully anyways.
definitely get back into the GALing again, doing the things that you love to do. If you do not, then your H will have no chance of discovering the real you and obviously you won't either. You must discover that beautiful girl first, and you must do this for yourself, not to win your H back.
those positives from your H are good things. Those are steps in the right direction and steps that need to happen. But you must stay on the path to saving yourself, otherwise his path will be blocked.
(((DU)))
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think it's important to have a L who you trust. Definitely interview new ones if you're not feeling confident with yours.
I hope you will try thought-stopping when you think about your H. We don't have to let them colonize our brains! We don't have enough time and energy to make the changes that we need to make *and* focus on them. Bit by bit I am starting to realize this.
From moment to moment we can say "no" to the stories that hurt us (we are not loveable, we are victims, our lives have no hope) and we can say "yes" to the stories that give us hope (we are creating our future, we have overcome adversity in the past, we have strength).
I'm feeling a teeny bit stronger today and I hope that you can surf off that feeling too. I don't want to be stuck in being stuck. I'm not willing to suffer indefinitely. No one can make the changes that I need to make. Even H can't make my life better unless I am willing to do the work to address how I got into a situation where one confused, selfish man could trash my entire life.
(((Destiny)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM, I have not been focusing at all on thought-stopping when it comes to my H. I am actually thinking of him more than ever.
IMO - Thought stopping is one of key tools we need to use to get through this stuff. If we do not we end up spending our days and night thinking about our spouses, which really is not where our energies should be spent. How about this DU - why not try and thought stop at least twice a day. See how you feel and if it works expand it to as often as possible. Just realize that this is something that you will need to work on.
Quote:
He has indicated through text messages and emails recently over the last few days that he is (1) very confused, (2) not happy spending time with others, and (3) that he has missed me "on occasion".
All positives... all positives... you need to accept the positives and accept that right now he is confused. You may not believe it but this is much better than having him continue to say the D word.
Quote:
I guess I am feeling defeated, I am tired, and feel that my H will never return or be willing to try again.
D - if you detach you will feel better. if you thought stop you will feel better, if you change your thoughts from negative to positive you will feel better, if you FINALLY pick up that puppy you will feel better, if you spend more time on the treadmill or on a track running you will feel better, if you focus on yourself you will feel better... So what do you think you can do to feel better? Or you could do ONE thing to feel worst, which is focus on your H right now, which one will you choose.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hello all - FM thank you and everyone else for looking in on my. My hope for all of you is that all of your hopes come true.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Hello fellow friends. It has been over a week since my last post. I really needed to take a break from everything. I am now back and have been feeling pretty good over these last few days.
As you recall, I was waiting for the LS to drop and it did. I received a call from the H on April 16th indicating that I should it from my L that day. My L received it that day and was suppose to mail it to me. So far, I have not received it or been able to reach my L (sucks!!!). Well I took a break from it all that day and GALed for the weekend.
I actually was able to get away from Virginia and spent a few days shopping, dining, and just taking it easy without thinking about my sitch. It was good for me I think. Since returning, I have not cried and felt like I was in the "dumps" for the last week. While my work situation is a different story, at least I am feeling more confident in my future.
My H reports to duty on April 30th and called me about getting together this Monday at our home to discuss "whatever I wanted to talk about". I told him that if was to discuss the LS, that we should go through our lawyers on that topic. He said he was NOT even planning to bring up the LS and indicated that he has been thinking about us alot and wandering if we could "work". I am not focusing on his statement and will continue to reflect on the good time I had last weekend that helped my confidence and generated feelings of happiness.
I believe he is looking for closure before deploying and I am not responsible for relieving his conscious. I had a visit with my IC yesterday and she indicated that maybe my "pride" is getting in the way of meeting with my H and that I should not think that he has ulterior motives (maybe a hidden agenda) for wanting to meet and that any closure would be for me and not him (that is if that is what I want).
What are your thoughts about me meeting with the H before he deploys? Any advice is appreciated. Hope you are all having a great weekend!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Glad to read that you've been feeling good DU . I think you should only see your H if it feels right to you. I agree that it's not your responsibility to ease his conscience or give him closure before he leaves.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
If you can show him a strong woman, the kind that he would like to be with...go and meet with him. Don't go if you are going to fall to pieces in front of him. That's not the memory you want him to take away.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
