If you couldn't tell, I'm almost in full panic mode right now.
I knew there was a chance of this happening. I can't go on like this forever. Talked to DB coach Chuck today. He thinks since things had been going pretty good with GAL, 180's, etc., she may be testing me again. I don't know. It seemed like she was pretty sure of herself.
I know, believe nothing of what you hear and 50% of what you see. Don't know what tonight will bring. I won't get in an argument with her, that does nothing to help. I really tried to validate her feelings last night but, God, what was I supposed to do?
I think it's time to talk to a L. At least to know what to expect if things go that far. It seems like they're headed that way.
I knew there was a chance of this happening. I can't go on like this forever. Talked to DB coach Chuck today. He thinks since things had been going pretty good with GAL, 180's, etc., she may be testing me again. I don't know. It seemed like she was pretty sure of herself.
I know, believe nothing of what you hear and 50% of what you see. Don't know what tonight will bring. I won't get in an argument with her, that does nothing to help. I really tried to validate her feelings last night but, God, what was I supposed to do?
I think it's time to talk to a L. At least to know what to expect if things go that far. It seems like they're headed that way.
Trust me, she is not nearly as sure of herself as she seems. She is trying to show you a strong front, but if you push back, you'll see it isn't very strong. If she gets really angry, that shows how weak her hand truly is. She'll use anger to make herself LOOK stronger. Don't be intimidated. I think what you told her about leaving was dead on.
When they say "Don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do", don't take that to mean they're completely lying about their intentions to end the marriage. It means their resolve is not nearly as strong as might seem.
Definitely talk to a lawyer. Find out what your options are in your state. Assume they are headed that way. You can always change course as you go, but if you let her dictate the pace, she will not fully feel the consequences of her actions.
Believe me, I don't think she is lying about wanting out. Maybe not as much as she want me to think. Hopefully not as much. I won't back down now, but man am I scared. I'll try not to let her see that. I can't let her see that. Let her see that I'm fine with whatever she decides.
I hate finally going to the L, but I know that's what I need to do next. Like you said, if only to find out my options.
I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but, God, this sucks!!!!!!!! Like all of you don't know that. Just had to shout it out for my own good.
So, I guess it's over, or at least going to the next shi77y level. W got home after school board meeting after 1:30 am. I was sitting in the bedroom, dressed, waiting. She asked what was wrong. I said, really? After all we talked about this and you think it is OK for a married woman to stay out this late, especially with the problems we are having.
Then we walked outside and continued, she was done, blah, blah, blah. And flat out lying about things. She knows I know she is lying and still tries to pass the blame on to me. IDU!
She says divorce can be civil and we can all be friends. I told her if that's what she thought, she had another thing coming. She needed to find a place to go and leave me and the kids in the house. I told you before, it's not what I want, but I can't decide for you. She said you're right, I want out but I'm not leaving these kids. I told her she asked me twice to leave them. No, she said, I asked you to leave me, not the kids, they will always love you.
I told her again, she needed to find a place, it was her that didn't want to try to work things out. She said again that she wouldn't leave.
So--now what?
Please help with next step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have now reached the point I was at around Sept 11 of last year, when I locked my W out of the house and forced her to stay at the neighbor's after a day with the OM that she lied about and then came home drunk. Sure didn't paint a pretty picture of her in the neighbors' eyes. But in her state I doubt my W felt any shame.
Same pattern - W and you discuss things, you think she may be "getting it" and then she does something completely disrespectful as if all words went in one ear and out the other (which basically they did).
Seems crude, but you almost have to view your W as a drug addict. She's lost, unable to control her cravings and will do anything and everything to get that high, no matter what you say. But you don't have to put up with that behavior, especially with the kids. You still love her, but you have to attach consequences to her behavior and let her know that when she chooses herself over family, you will choose family protection over her. Next time lock the doors and tell her you are not going to expose the kids to that.
I faced the same problem with my W being unwilling to leave; finally she agreed to moving out, so the problem was resolved. A bit more tricky if she won't budge. Maybe start by saying you won't have her in your bed and she needs to sleep on the couch or in another room.
Legally I don't know what other steps you can take to bounce her, perhaps someone else could provide input there. But rest assured, if there are no consequences you will see more of the same.
If I can offer any help at all so that you don't make my mistakes, commit to being done, even though you are still open to reconciliation. What I mean by that is to not try to reason with her because you can't reason with (for lack of a better term) a psycho. Do not initiate any attempt to fix anything, like suggesting MC. She's likely to feed you little signals that will suck you in and disrupt your detachment. Then she'll feel like the heat is off and go do something stupid.
Any reconciliation attempt has to come from her. Set up the boundaries you need, tell her you or the kids will not tolerate OM contact in front of you or in the house. And no more late nights with the OM and coming home as if it was nothing. Very hard not to bring anger into it but you have to try to be businesslike and not be condescending or treat her like she's your daughter. You have self respect and a family to protect, and that's why you are taking these steps.
This is a crappy point in the ordeal, so I feel for you. Now it is about leaving it up to God and figuring out for yourself when you've reached the point where you have had enough. As you know that's what I'm dealing with now. And I think when the time is right, He will let us know it. She will either come back, or we will be at the point where we no longer want her back and He'll give us the all clear to end it.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
IDU, you're in a hard place. Pigskin is giving you good advice. sending you hugs.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm in a bad place, you're right. Same place most everyone else was in at one time or another. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this. I know she has seen the changes. I know there is still room for improvement. She just goes back and forth and I keep spinnig around in a circle. How am I supposed to tell what works if it works for a while and then it just stops for no apparent reason? Things will be going good-relatively speaking-and then back to the crap.
I know Rob and PDT and others have said to expect the shi# storm and I kind of did expect it. When she came home, I didn't mention anything about OM, if he was there or anything. Just that she should have called and it was disrespectful that, given all we're going through, she didn't have any thoughts for my feelings at all. She could have called or txt. I still would have been mad, but maybe wouldn't have said anything. So I guess it's good that she didn't because I guess something had to be said.
Here comes the optimist in me: could her reaction be a good thing? Is she testing me to see what I will do next, if I will carry through on anything? And again, should I tell her about going to see the L or keep it under my hat? I'm not planning on filing just yet, of course. Just to get info. Like future said, I can always change direction if things change.
If this is somewhat of an advantage, help me use it to the fullest!
Sorry for all the questions today. Again, I am really scared and hurting and need to get it out of my system by the time I get home.
Haven't heard from you guys in a while and could use a vet's perspective. I have tried to finally do the things you all told me, but now what?
Thanks to everyone, BTW. Not dismissing any of your advice, just wondering what the pro's have to say.
I need all of you support. I could feel my sitch heading towards this the more I did things that she didn't expect.
I am still in crisis mode. Calmed down a little but very on edge. Help me with a plan of what to do next. I'm sure it's in here somewhere. A big 2x4 would be welcome right now!
I wouldn't tell her about the lawyer. And I wouldn't worry about what she may or may not be thinking, whether it is a test or whatnot. You'll be wrong most of the time anyway.
Nothing is going to happen right away anyway, so take a deep breath and try to relax. You've got time. Just be cool and expect her words and actions to try to mess with your head. Fight it, and fight it hard. Know that YOU are the one who is the responsible one for your family. SHE is the addict, and you will have none of her BS. Act strong and confident, and let that start messing with HER head for a change.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
The L called and changed the meeting to Mon. morning. I have to be careful and not be accused of lying to her. She made a big deal out of that when I went to the Dr. for the AD meds and told her I was at work all day. Of course, she called work that day and I wasn't there at the time. I showed her the receipt and everything but she was still pissed that I lied. Even after all the lies she told me. Go figure.
