feel like giving up - pt 2

[Onthemountaintop]

being cold and then will do something like above or talk about the future

I guess each situation is unique, so this might not apply, but I've found that with me (with my life issues) and my W (who has some self-esteem/depression/? issues), we've done things that might not make sense, but it felt right.

If he's trying to have sex, what are the outcomes?
- You yell and say no...he feels rejected and can leave saying "she was a bi***".
- You say not now, you don't feel the R is secure enough and he thinks "I get it, but I'm really wanting you now"
- You say yes, reluctantly, and the sex sucks and he thinks "I knew it was better with OW but I tried"
- You say yes, optomistically, and he says "that was fun"
- You say yes, optomistically, and he says "I didn't expect to feel this good, why am I being such an a**"

Etc, etc.

The easy route is to use your anger. The hard one is to try to understand what you did right to make his affection/desire for you grow suddenly.

Remember, he may have some addiction or mental issues that are in part to blame.

You played with his hair, he was a bit drunk, etc. The timing and mood was there for him. Why not use it? That doesn't mean say yes, it could be "yes, when..."

My W said in Jan to D her right because I wasn't sure about reconciling and wanted more time. Time to her is like asking for chunks of her brain - she wanted security. I couldn't, so she told the kids we were getting a D unilatarally. Her bad. An hour later, she came to talk. I told her I'd rather reconcile before I'm ready that lose the chance. Still not ready, I was nervous. We ended off though ML. You know what, that is a major emotional need. I suddenly felt much better. Still nervous, but I wouldn't have got to month 7 had I not.

Again, I'm not saying to go sleep with him. I'm saying that if you meet his emotional needs, he'll meet more of yours in time. How often are we reminded that we can't be expecting good from the WAH/WAW?

I look at my H and wonder where he went. I wish he would end all of this but I am wishing on a DEAD star.

You aren't wishing on a dead star, Luvless. I believe (please forgive me, this is a judgment) that you are very angry for good reasons, but I am pretty sure that he can feel and see that anger every day.

When he is nice, my guess is that he wants to be that way. When he is not, excluding drugs like alcohol, he is ashamed, scared, or just plain negative self-talking himself into it.

RE the swearing, the last week has been a rough one for W and I. She wants me to stop a behaviour that I've been doing since I was 12. I have been told by my IC, divorce counsellor, and my doc that it will take a while. She's given me 6 months and said if it ever happened again, she would immediately D me. This threat hangs over me and sent me into depression for a couple days. I deserve her anger, my sin is mine and it did affect her. While I didn't know she was affected, she was. Her threat has got me all wound up. I'm swearing at her when we fight, getting meaner and madder. I'm also rougher on my kids. Once, I swore at one of them with an insult for her rudeness because of her mother. I now remember to apologize unlike last year, and I have a understandable reason, but that certainly doesn't make it right.

You've known him for 23yrs. Do you think he wants to swear at them? I'm thinking that if he didn't do it 2yrs ago, he feels guilty about it. Instead of confronting, consider making it a short comment as you pass between rooms, "I know you were probably really stressed out, and you normally never swear at the kids. I think it would help the kids if you tried harder, like you used to do, not to ever swear at them."

Men just do things we regret later. When we're angry/scared/threatened, we are either fighing, or flighting. Women do to. The ways are different, but they happen.

So going back, in Retrouv they said some stuff that [i]might reawaken your dying star if you wanted to try them.[/i]
- Love is a decision. This means if you choose to love him, you are going to love him unconditionally. Hate the action buried deep within the person you love. If you show love, and he doesn't, it doesn't matter. It isn't a contest, but if you did anyway, you'd be the winner.

- Commitment. You want him to commit. So commit to the M. If he wants a D, let him file (his failure to commit, not yours). If he is abusive, call the police (get him help).

- Forgiveness. Not forgetting, but forgiving. If the baggage of the past is still there because he keeps repeating the sin, then you are just adding to the wall between you. He hasn't left. He may be a part of your life for a while as your kids grow up (no matter what). Looking for the reasons (or asking) can help understand why he acted a certain way. You also need time to heal from damages caused. Forgiveness & healing can't happen though until the decision to forgive is there. Why forgive now? Because it will help you get on with your life and give a chance at helping your H recognize you are better than he can get from any other woman.

- Trust. Hard to do in your sitch for everything. What can you trust in him now? Does he still bring home the bacon? Does he still take care of the yard? Find out what areas you can trust.

As always, just opinions Luvless. It is your house and H.

[LSG]

luvless,

I feel so bad for you and your kids. My sitch is not that bad with the kids, but my wife does seem to favor our S over our D. It is just so hurtful for them. It is too bad that your H is using that type of language because he is frustrated with himself.

My wife always says I am "fragile," but my W and your H are the "fragile" ones because they had to resort to cheating instead of working to improve their marriage and protect their family from outside threats which what I see the OM or OW to be. I wonder if they will ever get it? Probably not.


It is good that you stepped in to end an awful situation for your family.

I feel awful for you. You will find your future happiness with your positive attitude and doing what is best for you and your kids. My W and your H do not come first anymore in this situation unless they put a stop to their infidelity. It is sad, but it does not seem to be the case in either of our sitches.

Take care of yourself!!!

[james217]

*hugs luv*

[luvless]

James - thank you for that

LSG - that is just what I told H...that he was not protecting our family from outside threats (ow ho) they don't get it...and if they do...it'll be too late.

OTMT - when his paws are on me I tell him "I can't do this I don't know where you've been" and he keeps trying. He doesn't leave feeling totally rejected because I don't do that. I pacify him until he goes to sleep. There have been two times I gave in a while back. He seems to enjoy being with me..that has never been our problem. Then again he doesn't ever discuss it the next day. If you are expecting proper communication you've got the wrong H.

I don't know about ever trusting him again. He could be the perfect H and I would still wonder. The only consistent thing he's ever done is provided...yes he is a good provider and I've always respected him for that. Did you hear that Mr. Luv? one thing you haven't taken away from me!

Your posts are insightful and get me thinking. Thank you for your input. I continue to appreciate everyone's advice/support.

Luv

[LSG]

luvless,

I understand about trust because I have the same issues with my W at the moment. I am not sure I could trust her again if that is even an option. I hate how she laughs on the phone with my MIL and does not show any remorse for the hell our family endures every moment of everyday. Where is their conscience.

I guess we all have to decide if we could have the trust back, but it seems it take an effort to end the affair before that can even be considered.

Keep fighting and do what you know is right for you!!!

[luvless]

Hey guys...

Last night H came home at 12:30am. He was at the same house he was at when he came in at 5am on Sat morning.

I went to bed before he got home. I refused to look at him or even give him the satisfaction of asking where he was. This morning he was in my room getting dressed and here is what was said....

M - what are you doing where were you last night
H - out
M - don't start with me I asked you a question
H - I went to have some beers
M - no..I meant last night where were you
H - it doesn't matter
M - yes it does matter
M - what are you doing (he is taking tube socks out of drawer) but he is wearing slacks and dress shoes
H - I'm going to play basketball after work with Ted and some other work guys

I know you will all say I shouldn't care what he is doing but I just can't let him come and go anymore as he pleases. It's starting to affect the kids! They are visibly upset and wondering why dad is never home.

This morning the kids asked me (each of them on their own) "did dad come home last night?" My older son said, "mom it's time to change every lock in this house."

How does this man have the privilege to live here in this home with a family he doesn't want? ugh! someone please put me out of my misery!

Luv

[alice444]

Luv- do you have it in you to change the locks?

You are farther along in this so sometimes I don't feel like I'm qualified to give you advice... but I don't think it should be acceptable for him to live there AND come and go at unreasonable hours, AND I don't think you should ask where he's been. The solution? He needs to live somewhere else- if only for the sake of your kids. Will he listen if you tell him this is affecting them? Or will he ignore that too? Have you tried writing him a letter a la DB book (different medium) where you tell him this is unacceptable and he has x days to find a place to stay before you change the locks?

He's being a selfish dad and H - it's just disgusting when they can't even consider how their actions are affecting the kids, IMO. Wish I had more useful things to say. I hate how he's treating you guys.

(((Luv)))

[luvless]

I would change the locks in a heartbeat. I'm waiting on info to go to owH. This is just something I wanted to do before I serve papers. I keep thinking on how I can change the locks and serve him later but that gives him time to plan and lock me out of our bank account (well stop direct deposit)

He will be evil. He will fight me for everything. I have to be careful how I go about this. He will not listen to me that this is affecting the kids. I've already told him countless times how the kids are upset and depressed. He doesn't care.

I haven't written any letter to his email. The last letter I wrote was around Christmas time and he didn't even respond - that hurt like hell because it was heart felt. I will never forget that.

Anyway...I'm having a bad day as you can tell. I've been crying all morning (out of sadness and frustration) and I have to suck it up because my older son will be home very soon I don't want him to see me upset. He is so loving.

I'm pissed because I'm sad.

Luv

[alice444]

I'm pissed he's making you sad! Remind me if you've consulted an L, though. Can he legally lock you out of the bank accounts??? Won't there be repercussions for doing that? Have you asked your L what if he does that? You need to have some protection here and know where you stand if you think he's likely to do this.

[Onthemountaintop]

Luvless,

If you lock him out, what does the law say would happen in your state? In Canada, you cannot lock out your spouse without serious grounds (physical abuse, etc.)