and please don't bother with yet another explanation & apology...good grief. Just back off and detach. What's to explain at this point???????????
Be happy, GAL, move along and live well. Don't bother checking to see how she is feeling that hour (or day or week), unless you think her life is in danger. NO temperature taking of the R....Just be happy! Then see if someday she can catch up to you and if so, see how you feel then. I have some hope for you b/c I think she's a emotionally disturbed (not batchitt crazy but "off") and might be on her way to getting help. If not, you've lost nothing by GAL and not looking back, and if so, you're still better off. Where's robx? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I'm confused. Are you saying you think she's lying about feeling "violated"?
No. I'm saying she told you to talk to him, which was the lie, and she didn't want you to. You called her bluff and now she's disappointed in you.
The people above have posted really smart things about going dark and letting her figure out this lie - the one about being reborn or whatever.
You posted that she said she would do ANYTHING for that church.
Seems like she won't even do half as much for your marriage.
Which leads me to ask, what are YOU getting out of this?
By the standards of our culture, I'm not getting anything out of this. Certainly not the "happiness" that everyone feels they are entitled to.
By the standards of what God asks us to do, I think I'm getting a lot. No it isn't pleasant, but I'm learning a lot about myself. The saying "that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" applies. And in terms of religious leaders I talk to, to a man they say they have nothing to add to what I am doing; I am doing the right thing. And in terms of what I feel is the message I'm getting from God, I am doing the right thing by holding on. Sure it hurts sometimes. But the "better or worse, sickness and health" part of my vow I took seriously. And I still love my wife. And I don't feel that I am entitled to 24/7 happiness. There are times when we have crosses to bear. We can run from them and take the easy way out. Or we can bear them, and reap the reward later.
I'm not sitting here in misery; although I will admit that I have random days where I feel down and impatient. My W can be very frustrating at times. But she also has flashes of hopeful words and actions that show she is not completely lost.
I just need to be thankful for those "flashes" and not see them as a quickening of our timeline. The Stockdale paradox is applicable here.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
You are entitled to happiness most of the time in your marriage. You sound good. Keep in mind the ways of the WAS is in the world, and it will take advantage of your viewpoint every time. As a matter of fact, you can remain in your holy viewpoint and she will understand this, and keep on the path that she's on. Only near disaster will bring her back.
Some of the things we speak on DB are not by the bible, but they are effective in these situations. Plus it allows you to retain and build self-esteem in the fact of imminent doom.
You are entitled to happiness most of the time in your marriage. You sound good. Keep in mind the ways of the WAS is in the world, and it will take advantage of your viewpoint every time. As a matter of fact, you can remain in your holy viewpoint and she will understand this, and keep on the path that she's on. Only near disaster will bring her back.
Some of the things we speak on DB are not by the bible, but they are effective in these situations. Plus it allows you to retain and build self-esteem in the fact of imminent doom.
Ideally yes, marriages should be happy most of the time. When they are not and it is because of things within the control of both parties, we are responsible for working to make the necessary changes to fix them.
If my W had cancer or for some reason could not be intimate, I would obviously be unhappy and needs would not be met. But that doesn't mean I quit and move on to someone who can make me happy.
My W has depression and has made some horrible choices. I have to determine if/when it is hopeless. Sometimes it feels that way, sometimes not. If people and my pastor start telling me I'm a Pollyanna, it will be a good sign that I'm being unrealistic. If I feel no desire to reconcile with my W, then it will be time to end it if my W has not already.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Regardless of your choice in the end, you will be at peace about it. Good advice her, detach, let God do his work. Find your happy place, validate, not agree with but validate her feelings. Stick to the plan and you will get through this.
On a side note the Bible has in its pages nearly every psychological concept. Including the DB concepts. PMA, turning the check, calling out the sinner, drawing a line in the sand. 180's it is all in there, go figure ! Worded different but still there!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Regardless of your choice in the end, you will be at peace about it. Good advice her, detach, let God do his work. Find your happy place, validate, not agree with but validate her feelings. Stick to the plan and you will get through this.
On a side note the Bible has in its pages nearly every psychological concept. Including the DB concepts. PMA, turning the check, calling out the sinner, drawing a line in the sand. 180's it is all in there, go figure ! Worded different but still there!
Yep, when I get there I will be at peace with it, knowing that I did everything I possibly could.
In the end it's her soul, and she's responsible for it. I am very concerned about it, even if she was just a friend and not my wife, so sometimes I have a hard time not commenting about it. But I've stated my piece and I have to just stop. I've said before I'm butting out and letting God handle it. I just need to remember to follow my own advice. Seems I slip up during the valleys of this peak and valley roller coaster ride. I have to recognize the valleys for what they are and keep my mouth shut.
She knows she is doing wrong and that what she's doing conflicts with her faith. It's up to her to stop.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
! Worded different but still there!