No - I agree with you Puppy that he does look for this possible problem. I just think the focus has to be on the 180s and looking for what is wrong first.
So what if he found there was an EA/PA? Now what? For her to leave the EA/PA, doesn't she have to have something to come back to?
If he got caught snooping, what would he say? I asked my W once if she was thinking about anyone else. She said no. I accepted that. Had she felt I was spying/snooping, we'd just have less trust to work with between us.
I couldn't disagree with you more, OTMT. I'll take your points one at a time:
I just think the focus has to be on the 180s and looking for what is wrong first.
If a tree crashes thru the roof of your house, you need to first remove the tree before you begin to repair any damage (Tuppy). Yes, a betrayed spouse should simultaneously begin to work on making themselves the better option, but even THAT can be aided by good intel. For example, a keylogger can turn up what emotional needs a OM/OW might be filling of the wayward spouse, and the betrayed spouse can react to that.
So what if he found there was an EA/PA? Now what? For her to leave the EA/PA, doesn't she have to have something to come back to?
Now what? Now you move to protect yourself, and your family. You firewall your finances. You get an initial legal consultation, to better understand what your rights, responsibilities and vulnerabilities are. You begin to study every book you can get your hands on about affairs and infidelity, to know what it is you're dealing with. How can it NOT help to better understand the threat?
If he got caught snooping, what would he say?
So don't get caught. Seriously, if you do this right, you can get weeks if not MONTHS of good intel before, eventually, getting caught. However, if he DOES get caught, he should say "I was trying to protect myself (and, if appropriate), and our family." And/or "Everything I've done, I've done to try and fight for our marriage (and, if appropriate) and our family."
I asked my W once if she was thinking about anyone else. She said no. I accepted that.
"Big Bird" (sticking one's head in the sand) naivete is no way to fight for a marriage, in my opinion. You can't just ask the cheating spouse, because -- if they ARE cheating -- they will lie about it. CHEATERS LIE -- period. Just because you decided to accept it doesn't mean it's the best advice to give others.
This is what I tell people: determine if it (an affair) is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it IS, then gather the necessary evidence and do what you need to do. If it's NOT, and you think you can get past it, then either gather the necessary evidence, confront and expose and try to bust the affair and begin to work at reconciling your marriage . . . or . . . just assume they ARE having an affair, and operate from that assumption (I'm saying, if all the signs are there). In my experience, they are in the overwhelming majority of cases anyway (65-90%?), so this is the safest assumption.
Quote:
Had she felt I was spying/snooping, we'd just have less trust to work with between us.
Trust must be EARNED, O.T.M.T., and this goes to "reasonable cause." If you have reasonable cause to believe that your marriage and your family are being threatened by a PREDATOR (and that's what an OM/OW is, a PREDATOR), then not only do you have a RIGHT to investigate, I would contend that you have a RESPONSIBILITY -- esp. as a man (and yes, maybe that's chauvinistic, but whatever... I stand by it). It's your job to protect your family!
Ronald Reagan once famously said, about the Soviets, "Trust -- but verify." I think you enter a marriage making a mutual vow to each other to love, honor, cherish and trust, and that should be your stance until such time as you have reasonable cause to believe your marriage is being threatened. At that time, you should move immediately to determining the TRUTH of what's going on, and that must be done INDEPENDENTLY and not just by asking them. If they're NOT cheating, then great -- you've determined that they aren't. If they ARE, then you enter a phrase where trust must again be EARNED, after they've ended their affair, agreed to no-contact and full transparency, and shown themselves to be trustworthy again.
As you can tell, I feel very strongly about this, and it's not just my opinion. It's consistent with the advice and research of the best infidelity experts out there (Harley, Glass, Spring, Tuppy, McGraw, others) and even MWD herself advocates a keylogger in certain situations.
I just don't know where this whole "I asked her, and she said no, and so I decided to trust her" thing got started, but it's dangerous, with all due respect.
