help with a plan

[pigskin]

So, I guess it's over, or at least going to the next shi77y level. W got home after school board meeting after 1:30 am. I was sitting in the bedroom, dressed, waiting. She asked what was wrong. I said, really? After all we talked about this and you think it is OK for a married woman to stay out this late, especially with the problems we are having.

Then we walked outside and continued, she was done, blah, blah, blah. And flat out lying about things. She knows I know she is lying and still tries to pass the blame on to me. IDU!

She says divorce can be civil and we can all be friends. I told her if that's what she thought, she had another thing coming. She needed to find a place to go and leave me and the kids in the house. I told you before, it's not what I want, but I can't decide for you. She said you're right, I want out but I'm not leaving these kids. I told her she asked me twice to leave them. No, she said, I asked you to leave me, not the kids, they will always love you.

I told her again, she needed to find a place, it was her that didn't want to try to work things out. She said again that she wouldn't leave.

So--now what?

Please help with next step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have now reached the point I was at around Sept 11 of last year, when I locked my W out of the house and forced her to stay at the neighbor's after a day with the OM that she lied about and then came home drunk. Sure didn't paint a pretty picture of her in the neighbors' eyes. But in her state I doubt my W felt any shame.

Same pattern - W and you discuss things, you think she may be "getting it" and then she does something completely disrespectful as if all words went in one ear and out the other (which basically they did).

Seems crude, but you almost have to view your W as a drug addict. She's lost, unable to control her cravings and will do anything and everything to get that high, no matter what you say. But you don't have to put up with that behavior, especially with the kids. You still love her, but you have to attach consequences to her behavior and let her know that when she chooses herself over family, you will choose family protection over her. Next time lock the doors and tell her you are not going to expose the kids to that.

I faced the same problem with my W being unwilling to leave; finally she agreed to moving out, so the problem was resolved. A bit more tricky if she won't budge. Maybe start by saying you won't have her in your bed and she needs to sleep on the couch or in another room.

Legally I don't know what other steps you can take to bounce her, perhaps someone else could provide input there. But rest assured, if there are no consequences you will see more of the same.

If I can offer any help at all so that you don't make my mistakes, commit to being done, even though you are still open to reconciliation. What I mean by that is to not try to reason with her because you can't reason with (for lack of a better term) a psycho. Do not initiate any attempt to fix anything, like suggesting MC. She's likely to feed you little signals that will suck you in and disrupt your detachment. Then she'll feel like the heat is off and go do something stupid.

Any reconciliation attempt has to come from her. Set up the boundaries you need, tell her you or the kids will not tolerate OM contact in front of you or in the house. And no more late nights with the OM and coming home as if it was nothing. Very hard not to bring anger into it but you have to try to be businesslike and not be condescending or treat her like she's your daughter. You have self respect and a family to protect, and that's why you are taking these steps.

This is a crappy point in the ordeal, so I feel for you. Now it is about leaving it up to God and figuring out for yourself when you've reached the point where you have had enough. As you know that's what I'm dealing with now. And I think when the time is right, He will let us know it. She will either come back, or we will be at the point where we no longer want her back and He'll give us the all clear to end it.