She hasn't budged...yet. What is it that she gets from the guy online that she doesn't get from you? Start asserting yourself.
She wants a man, so give her one. Show her that the one she has in front of her is better than the fantasy one online. Have you thought of telling the OM's W?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Well, she gets an escape from the reality of our life. Our sick dog that's cost us close to $1000, the fact that she hasn't (her own choice) left the metro area of our city since our anniversary vacation last May, money worries, she gets to tell all of her old stories for the first time again, she gets that chemical buzz that makes her feel a little better about herself, she gets to pretend that she's someone else and doesn't have to worry about how she looks because she can hide behind a camera/webcam lens. Maybe I'm just going about trying to show her that she has a man, and not just a man, one that does love her and will fight for her, always have her back and knows her better than pretty much anyone else in all the wrong ways. I did indeed reach out to his wife on facebook. She was crushed because, and this was LAST weekend, when she called him out on it, he informed her that my wife was his soulmate. We talked a bit, but she seemed to have more or less given up, as this was just the most recent in many, many incidents with women he had become infatuated with and screwed around with online. She bitched about how lazy and how selfish he was, how he was a terrible father addicted to the internet and world of warcraft, and how she didn't really know what to do.
I would recommend consulting with a lawyer. Find out what your responsibilities would be in a legal seperation. Knowing what your legal obligation is will ease your mind about much of the money issues. You owe her what is legally required and nothing more. She needs to take responsibility for her own life.
Well, even after our first bout with this last year and she told me flat out that she felt more like my mom than my lover,
This, together with your passive ways, is what killed her attraction to you. It is not natural for a woman to have sexual attraction for a man who is like her son. It will take a long time for her to see your consistant changes. The key word here is "consistant" b/c she will think that every action is your way of winning her back. You will give up if these changes are not for the soul purpose of becoming a stronger man who is prepared to be the leader of his family.
The Internet addiction, fantasy, EA's, etc., are very serious and hard to break,but it can be done.
I would suggest that you not say anything to her about "trying" to work at the M. Don't focus on "her" trying. The more you say things to her about the R,the further you push her away. Everytime my H did that, a wall of resentment would go up around me b/c I felt like I had been the one "trying" in our M all those years, but I was done at that point.
So, focus on what you will do.....not what she should be doing. Don't fret over her not responding to your changes. If you are watching her to see if she is noticing your changes, that means that you are not doing them for yourself.
She is going to do what she wants to do. Your best move will be to become an attractive man in every way. If she sees that and comes out of her fantasy, then there is a chance for the M. If she doesn't, then you will move on and be a better man and find somebody who will appreciate you. I don't mean to sound callous but that is pretty much how you have to look at it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, wow, thank you for putting everything into context and making it so easy to take in. Not that I haven't very much appreciated everyone's help and support on here, but what you said really, really hits home for me. I became very upset with myself over the last week or so as I looked back and started to realize that I really wasn't the kind of man that could be the leader of a family, hell, I couldn't even lead myself. It does make sense for me to not say anything about her trying to work on us or not trying to fix things. I know she already feels frustration from her trying what she had been trying before and it not working. I know that these things that I have to start stepping up and doing aren't going to come naturally to me at first, but I am fighting that urge to avoid them that is still there and it is getting easier. Like I said, I'm taking care of house/family things right away, not moping around the house, I'm almost back to my normal sleep routine, I'm not walking around the house like I'm scared to bother her, ect.
I do have a situation that happened last night that I'm not sure about. I was watching some TV in bed, already brushed my teeth, getting ready to go to bed, and she comes in to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed herself, afterward, she comes right to our bed and gets in. She asked me if I wanted to watch the United States of Tara episode that was on our DVR from earlier. So, we are watching that and with about 10 minutes left, she asks if we can watch the rest of it tomorrow. Then, she rolls over to face me and starts to initiate intimacy. I am really unsure at this point if she's just desperate and using me, but at the same time, I have learned over the years that most women won't just share themselves for the sake of it, that there has to be some emotional connection or feeling. And at the same time, I am thinking that any intimacy and closeness that she wants to have with me is a good thing. So, we fool around for a while, no sex though. Afterward, she giggles and thanks me. We lay there for a few minutes and out of nowhere, she says that she thinks she's going to sleep in the other room. I say that's ok, but I'm just curious why. She says that she's not sure she should have done that. I tell her that it's totally ok for her to go to the other room. So, at this point, it's like 12:30 and I go to sleep. I notice that her laptop is back on, from the glow under the door. So, at about 3:00, she comes and wakes me up and asks if she can go ahead and sleep in our bed, that the dog was bothering her and she couldn't get comfy. So, how should I read all of that?
Ok, another quick update if anyone is interested. She emailed me this morning and said that she doesn't want to throw in the towel, but she wants to separate, that she needs space. I told her that I will give her space and that I appreciate her not wanting to thrown in the towel. I asked her how she wanted to do this. She replied 'IDK', so I offered up some suggestions for her to think about. I told her that it's her decision and she needs to do what's best for her. So, she just replied back again, I don't know how to do it.
I do have a situation that happened last night that I'm not sure about. I was watching some TV in bed, already brushed my teeth, getting ready to go to bed, and she comes in to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed herself, afterward, she comes right to our bed and gets in. She asked me if I wanted to watch the United States of Tara episode that was on our DVR from earlier. So, we are watching that and with about 10 minutes left, she asks if we can watch the rest of it tomorrow. Then, she rolls over to face me and starts to initiate intimacy. I am really unsure at this point if she's just desperate and using me, but at the same time, I have learned over the years that most women won't just share themselves for the sake of it, that there has to be some emotional connection or feeling. And at the same time, I am thinking that any intimacy and closeness that she wants to have with me is a good thing. So, we fool around for a while, no sex though. Afterward, she giggles and thanks me. We lay there for a few minutes and out of nowhere, she says that she thinks she's going to sleep in the other room. I say that's ok, but I'm just curious why. She says that she's not sure she should have done that. I tell her that it's totally ok for her to go to the other room. So, at this point, it's like 12:30 and I go to sleep. I notice that her laptop is back on, from the glow under the door. So, at about 3:00, she comes and wakes me up and asks if she can go ahead and sleep in our bed, that the dog was bothering her and she couldn't get comfy. So, how should I read all of that?
It sounds to me like she was horny, pure and simple, and whatever the two of you did, it only revved her up for more, which they went to go get online via cyber. After she was satisfied with that, she came back to bed.
Quote:
I am really unsure at this point if she's just desperate and using me, but at the same time, I have learned over the years that most women won't just share themselves for the sake of it, that there has to be some emotional connection or feeling.
While I think this is generally true, it's not ALWAYS true (forget how old your wife is, but women in their 40s may be more visual and more highly-"sexed for sex's sake" than younger women), and it's definitely not always the case in EAs/PAs. "Tagging" your betrayed spouse, to keep them close, is quite common.
Ok, another quick update if anyone is interested. She emailed me this morning and said that she doesn't want to throw in the towel, but she wants to separate, that she needs space. I told her that I will give her space and that I appreciate her not wanting to thrown in the towel. I asked her how she wanted to do this. She replied 'IDK', so I offered up some suggestions for her to think about. I told her that it's her decision and she needs to do what's best for her. So, she just replied back again, I don't know how to do it.
If you don't want to D or S, then don't do the work for her. Validate her feelings about it, and let her know she's been heard, but you do NOT have to do the lifting for something you don't want.
Thanks for the support. I don't want a divorce or separation. I'll keep what you said in mind and if she really feels like she has to go through with it, she needs to be the one that sorts out the details and arrangements. I know that I have to walk a fine line between making it clear that I understand that space is ok and important and coming off sounding like I don't want a separation because I'm too weak to deal with it or that I'd fall apart if she wasn't around.
