Well, gee, you still haven't said what you want. Do you want to possibly reconcile or not? Have you even asked yourself that?
I halfway, more than halfway, think your latest is a backward attempt to try to get him to declare his undying love for you. Stop playing games. Get honest with yourself. The "woe is me, love is too hard and scary, I can't bear to be hurt again, so I'm going to run away but please come rescue me and prove that you are my prince" stuff is, well, a little bit tedious. Sorry, but it is so high school. It kills me. It annoys me. It is just so much blah blah blah. Why share that with you? Because I am trying to jolt you out of your comfort zone and get you to really figure out what you want. Right now, you are doing the soap opera script, doing/thinking what you think you should be doing/thinking. It is the narrative of a drama that you've had pounded into your head over and over and over again. But guess what? You really needn't act like a victim of your emotions. It is fine to have emotions. Recognize them. Own them. Then figure out what to do with them. OK, A or B:
A: "Wow, I have very strong feelings of romantic love for Gabe again. By renewing these feelings, I am already at greater emotional risk than I was before if Gabe does not reciprocate or if he later screws me over again. If I stop this R now, I will minimize my risk, which is what I choose to do."
B: "Wow, I have very strong feelings of romantic love for Gabe again. By renewing these feelings, I am already at greater emotional risk than I was before if Gabe does not reciprocate or if he later screws me over again. If I continue to leave the door open for a romantic R, I will continue to elevate my risk, but this is worth the potential benefits to me (as long as I continue to respect myself, take care of myself, create a good life for me and Marc). So, this is what I choose to do."
Which is it? Do you know?
Let's assume you want to try to reconcile, at least see if things go in that direction. In that case, you choose to accept the emotional risk for the possible benefits. That doesn't mean that you treat yourself like crap in the present.
"Gabe, this week I've learned something about myself. For sex to work for me, no matter how good the sex, it needs to occur in the context of a loving and exclusive R, romantically and sexually, and it needs to be a respectful, honest, and open R. Sex outside that kind of context doesn't work for me. It was a lie I told to both of us when I said I was just having fun -- I only have sex with someone for whom I have great emotion. So, no more sex for me until I can freely tell my partner that I love him in the context of an exclusive, respectful, and honest relationship."
If you go this route, you leave room for a future R. Gabe may or may not step up and suggest changing your R to a loving exclusive R. Who knows??? No one can know. The point is to put in place a boundary that works for you regardless of Gabe's (unknown) future choices.
Now, suppose you simply don't want to keep the door open. Then you still don't want to be coy or apologetic. Be straightfoward and direct:
“Gabe, this week I've learned something about myself. For sex to work for me, no matter how good the sex, it needs to occur in the context of a loving and exclusive R, romantically and sexually, and it needs to be a respectful, honest, and open R. We don't have that. I don't want to try to have that with you. So, sex stops now. I need my space and life back. You'll need to find other accommodations within one week."
There you go. All done. No need to put all that drama into a conversation with someone with whom you want to cut emotional/sexual ties with. Period.
As for you... PLEAAAZZZEEE... Stop beating yourself up. The blame/guilt/martyr drama remains unhelpful. You are both consenting adults. You tried something. It isn't working for you. Either way you go in terms of a possible R with Gabe, you need to change it. That's it. That's what adults do. We live our lives and adjust them as we go so they work better for us. So, ADJUST YOUR LIFE ALREADY by creating a situation that works for you. That means stopping the sex until the R changes, or stopping the sex and closing the door on any R.
