P, they said it wasnt braxton hicks? strange... but i'm ok!
LSG, i am hoping for a miracle in my R too. thanks for your kind words... this baby is truly my miracle...
G, i really have to get back into the yoga too! i have to see the name of the site i found on my home computer that gives 15-20 minutes maternity yoga classes online. when i find it i'll post it on here.
H is sad that I asked him not to come last night. I guess I was waiting for him to come charging through and be there. i told him not to come, he wrote today that he didnt want to stress me out more after we'd been fighting for days now. to be honest, i wasnt really worried about him yesterday, wanted to make sure the baby was ok. it didnt seem to hit me until last night, that this was my reality. he sent texts this morning saying he wished he would have come anyways. and i got an email from his dad, after having heard and wishing us well. his dad is as devastated as i am, and goes to church every day praying for him and me and the baby.
I apologized to H for all of the verbally abusive things i said, as they not only demoralize him and make him feel awful, but it absolutely crushes me and makes me feel so sad and like a terrible person. i think i am more affected by it than H is. H tends to hold things in and not say anything, but i know what it does to him. so why cant i stop?
i told him today he should do what feels right in his heart and that he needs to step up and fight for the role he wants to play in the baby;s life and he said its hard since I told him its either 100% or nothing at all, its either we are all a family or nothing. I shouldnt feel bad since he made this mess. but it does break my heart. and its not my responsibility to guide him through life anymore. absolutely kills me
but i am not capable of putting asie my feelings for him, and have him there part of the pregnancy. believe me there are moments when i think this could be the one thing to trigger his mind...or this will confirm to him that he doesnt want part of us. honestly i am not thinking of what it does to him anymore. he left. it takes a ton of courage and strength an strong emotions to leave a pregnant wife... if he only showed 1% of that courage to claim his role in the baby's life...
he doesnt even argue back anymore... now its me bitching and complaining or cyring or begging or pleading, and he just says ok. i say awful things and put him down and he just takes it. I end up crying hysterically... and i know he beats himselfup over it and just accepts this as his punishment. makes me believe he must be in love with someone else... if not why accept this lifestyle and hurt and pain?
