The first off the top of my head? Shorter and more to the point. "Gabe as much as I have enjoyed the sex, I also know that I am not interested in a sexual relationship without an emotional connection/monogamy/(whatever it is you would want from ANY guy in order to have a sexual relationship)...so I am not going to be able to continue with our little rendevous anymore"
Ok total rough cut but it is a starting place! Why make it about him? I mean I know it is about him to an extent bc of old memories and emotions. But didn't you say regardless of the guy, you know it is not right for YOU, to have a sexual relationship without the emotional connection/commitment? Sorry if I put words in your mouth.
If you do feel sorry about it, you could always say, "And I apologize for using you for my own sexual pleasure, that won't happen again"
Ok, I'm liking that short and sweet version. You are all so smart! My brain kept rattling around trying to make excuses and make sure I wasn't hurtful to him. I definitely don't want to make him think that this has anything to do with him because it doesn't. It's all about me and my emotional core.
It is true, if this were any other man I wouldn't be having sex with him. That is not part of my values and I have been feeling like I'm stuffing down that part of myself in favor of the other part that has been justifying this since he was my H at one time. Key word.....WAS!!!!! WAS WAS WAS!!
I'll say, tonight should be difficult but I'm hoping it will put me back on track. I just don't need this turmoil.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, gee, you still haven't said what you want. Do you want to possibly reconcile or not? Have you even asked yourself that?
I halfway, more than halfway, think your latest is a backward attempt to try to get him to declare his undying love for you. Stop playing games. Get honest with yourself. The "woe is me, love is too hard and scary, I can't bear to be hurt again, so I'm going to run away but please come rescue me and prove that you are my prince" stuff is, well, a little bit tedious. Sorry, but it is so high school. It kills me. It annoys me. It is just so much blah blah blah. Why share that with you? Because I am trying to jolt you out of your comfort zone and get you to really figure out what you want. Right now, you are doing the soap opera script, doing/thinking what you think you should be doing/thinking. It is the narrative of a drama that you've had pounded into your head over and over and over again. But guess what? You really needn't act like a victim of your emotions. It is fine to have emotions. Recognize them. Own them. Then figure out what to do with them. OK, A or B:
A: "Wow, I have very strong feelings of romantic love for Gabe again. By renewing these feelings, I am already at greater emotional risk than I was before if Gabe does not reciprocate or if he later screws me over again. If I stop this R now, I will minimize my risk, which is what I choose to do."
B: "Wow, I have very strong feelings of romantic love for Gabe again. By renewing these feelings, I am already at greater emotional risk than I was before if Gabe does not reciprocate or if he later screws me over again. If I continue to leave the door open for a romantic R, I will continue to elevate my risk, but this is worth the potential benefits to me (as long as I continue to respect myself, take care of myself, create a good life for me and Marc). So, this is what I choose to do."
Which is it? Do you know?
Let's assume you want to try to reconcile, at least see if things go in that direction. In that case, you choose to accept the emotional risk for the possible benefits. That doesn't mean that you treat yourself like crap in the present.
"Gabe, this week I've learned something about myself. For sex to work for me, no matter how good the sex, it needs to occur in the context of a loving and exclusive R, romantically and sexually, and it needs to be a respectful, honest, and open R. Sex outside that kind of context doesn't work for me. It was a lie I told to both of us when I said I was just having fun -- I only have sex with someone for whom I have great emotion. So, no more sex for me until I can freely tell my partner that I love him in the context of an exclusive, respectful, and honest relationship."
If you go this route, you leave room for a future R. Gabe may or may not step up and suggest changing your R to a loving exclusive R. Who knows??? No one can know. The point is to put in place a boundary that works for you regardless of Gabe's (unknown) future choices.
Now, suppose you simply don't want to keep the door open. Then you still don't want to be coy or apologetic. Be straightfoward and direct:
“Gabe, this week I've learned something about myself. For sex to work for me, no matter how good the sex, it needs to occur in the context of a loving and exclusive R, romantically and sexually, and it needs to be a respectful, honest, and open R. We don't have that. I don't want to try to have that with you. So, sex stops now. I need my space and life back. You'll need to find other accommodations within one week."
There you go. All done. No need to put all that drama into a conversation with someone with whom you want to cut emotional/sexual ties with. Period.
As for you... PLEAAAZZZEEE... Stop beating yourself up. The blame/guilt/martyr drama remains unhelpful. You are both consenting adults. You tried something. It isn't working for you. Either way you go in terms of a possible R with Gabe, you need to change it. That's it. That's what adults do. We live our lives and adjust them as we go so they work better for us. So, ADJUST YOUR LIFE ALREADY by creating a situation that works for you. That means stopping the sex until the R changes, or stopping the sex and closing the door on any R.
P.S. Glad to see you are on board with a shorter, more direct approach. But, before you commit to your message, please first figure out what you really want your message to be: open door/shut door?
Shut door = MAYBE losing someone completely. He'll always be Marc's dad. And if you are clear, blameless, and direct with him then he will get over it and it will not ruin your co-parenting relationship.
Breathe.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Open door = pain, agony and a repeat performance of the past.
Shut door = losing someone completely who has been the most significant person in my life for half my life.
Neither one is a good option is it? Which would be the lesser of two evils? Decisions are NOT my strong suit.
Oh Mish, Mish, Mish....
for me it's a no-brainer....and to be quite honest..I think it's a no brainer for you too..
Here is my suggestion...I would go back and read OT's posts..I think they are excellent..and what i get out of them is OT saying..."pick a path" and take that path..
Let me ask you this...
Does an unpredictable Gabe...bring you comfort and security??
Ok, I'm liking that short and sweet version. You are all so smart! My brain kept rattling around trying to make excuses and make sure I wasn't hurtful to him.
Yes, becasue he was so careful about your feelings when he had an affair and left you!
Quote:
It's all about me and my emotional core.
Which he doesn't need to know.....it's none of his business!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I think I'd just go with "Gabe, thanks to our last encounter I now realize that I am Gay." It's short, simple, deceitful...and perfect. Don't feel you have to thank me!
