A memoir based on the NYT article by that author. Basically about a woman who DBs (without calling it that) her way through her H's MLC. She's quite a role model for the LBW and she has an inspiring message that we can choose not to suffer. The story has a "happy ending" too.
I read this book too...outstanding stuff...VERY "DB."
Flowmom, did you ever get the chance/decide to apologize for not being able to keep him from getting burned when he tried to work it out?
Not sure what you're referring to OTMT . The only time he tried to work it out IMO was during MC, but even then he was showing up but not shifting or doing the work. He wouldn't agree to spend time with me other than starting to watch TV together occasionally. He refused to take responsibility for his grudges and bitterness about things that happened many years ago. He didn't see the importance of accepting that I have some faults that are hard to change (procrastination). He didn't see the importance of taking risks and making himself vulnerable.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
OTMT, are you actually projecting about yourself and your sitch?....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
flowmom, Help me out, here. After reading your post, the article itself, and some of the subsequent posts, I think I'm not quite getting it. Is the "Fantasy Relationship" the fantasy that one's spouse thinks (or hopes or expects) that you - or your relationship - should be, or is it referring to the potential trap of an EA fantasy relationship?
Gardener, I think that the article refers to comparing a real spouse to some imagined ideal, not to an EA with a real person.
This is EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. Yes there was infidelity on more than one occasion but I think he justified it bc he kept holding me up to his idea of what 'marriage' looked like and I didn't measure up...
Many times he would actually say, "I don't know how to accept you as you are, I know you accept me faults and all but I can't do that with you"...During our Retro weekend, I told him I would let go of all past hurts but he said he 'couldn't' do the same.
We tried to piece more than once but it never worked. I would work my a$$ off to make things different. Then I would be late once or he would see my car was messy and I got the "You will never change" angry outburst...he was going to speak to our pastor but then said, "He will just tell me to love and accept you and I don't know how"...
Anyway sorry for the ramble but I truly believe as long as one spouse holds on to the fantasy of what he/she thinks the marraige SHOULD be, there is no way to make progress.
We got a D bc I finally let go. Now he has emailed and texted me all morning trying to find out if I think he did a good job dressing the kids at his place this morning....so I agree with the posts that say as soon as you move forward with your life and find your own happiness they are often thrown for a loop...and this from the man who told me he needed a D bc he could't "deal with me" anymore...yet he is seeking me out for approval...
Thanks for sharing your experience BBJ. That really reminds me of where we got stuck in MC. H simply "couldn't" accept my faults even though he recognized that I constantly worked on accepting him as he was with his not-trivial faults. He didn't recognize that he was making a choice to compare me to some artificial ideal. I think he generally developed a very unrealistic idea of M and parenthood because he became very isolated during the years of depression and didn't get feedback from his peers.
It's interesting that your H is turning around.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
1. exhausted. I am sick and tired of the insomnia. It is really dragging me down and not helping at all with the procrastination. I lived for about six years in a total fog of sleep deprivation. Now that both of my kids are finally sleeping better, it's torture to now be dealing with insomnia from the ADs. I'm going to try to get an appt soon and ask for something to help with sleep . I don't have the energy to exercise, be present with my kids, focus on work -- mostly because I'm SO TIRED.
2. feeling really positive about focusing on myself and getting on with my life. The 2x4s and chats with Gnosis and the book that I read yesterday and my own spiritual beliefs are all pointing me in the same direction. I am not willing to be stuck any more. I see that I can choose not to suffer. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but my mind is opening to the awareness that I can make that choice.
Great quotation from Munson's book: "Because whether or not he comes back to me, I will be ultimately empowered by my commitment not to suffer. It's a way of life. A way to life."
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I am not willing to be stuck any more. I see that I can choose not to suffer. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but my mind is opening to the awareness that I can make that choice.
Always lurking; checking in on you. However, today this post of yours made me feel good. Both for you and me. Keep it up FM, and thank you for all your contributions here.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I hope I can follow along and get to the place that you are. I struggle daily, and every setback seems to me to be the end. I know it isn't, but I can't fully make myself realize that yet.
Hang in there and keep getting stronger and wiser! You will be fine, great even! We all will!
1. exhausted. I am sick and tired of the insomnia. I'm going to try to get an appt soon and ask for something to help with sleep . I don't have the energy to exercise, be present with my kids, focus on work -- mostly because I'm SO TIRED.
please do- as you know it makes SUCH a difference when you can get some sleep. If they give you meds, you don't have to take them forever, just as long as you want til you get to a place where you're caught up on sleep enough to function. Remember that they torture people with sleep deprivation-- that's how badly it affects you.
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2. feeling really positive about focusing on myself and getting on with my life. The 2x4s and chats with Gnosis and the book that I read yesterday and my own spiritual beliefs are all pointing me in the same direction. I am not willing to be stuck any more. I see that I can choose not to suffer. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but my mind is opening to the awareness that I can make that choice.
I love it. Glad for you- I hope I can get there soon, too.
((FM))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
. I don't have the energy to exercise, be present with my kids, focus on work -- mostly because I'm SO TIRED.