Invinceable

[mishka422]

Not ignoring....just absorbing and thinking.

If you tell me (B) is closer to the truth, I'm simply not going to buy it. There are far too many horny men in the world to make making an ex-spouse an attractive FB possible. Not going to happen.

I want B to be closer to the truth but I know it isn't. That's why I said this:

These fleeting emotions are building up and I know for a fact I MUST put a stop to this. I'm only doing further damage to myself.

My foolish emotions have engaged and it's tearing me up. There is no easy way out of this poor decision I made in the heat of the moment but I must stop it. I started the ball rolling on that last night. The texting started as soon as he got back from work and went on and on. I finally looked him in the eye and told him that I don't appreciate him flirting with his girlfriend in front of me. It brings up a lot of past pain and I can't go back there. He claimed she was a girl who is a friend but nothing more. I just flat out told him that was what he said about the broom too and look where that ended up. I have no right to put demands on him but I am telling him how this makes me feel and I hope he will respect that. He agreed that it was rude of him given 'the situation'.

Just say it already! I'm completely stupid and weak and am allowing myself to be taken advantage of for one reason. My own lack of self-worth tells me that I don't deserve any better than this. It's bull, I know it in my head, but my deep down soul truly believes that this is better than being completely alone and miserable. It's not, it's not, it's NOT!!!!

I think at some point someone is going to think that you are in reconciliation mode...and that someone is probably Gabe..since all men are DAMS...

Gabe would not think that, DAM or not. He's getting a free ride in more ways than one and that is perfectly comfortable for him. I don't blame him at all. He is a man after all and isn't that every man's ultimate fantasy? Sex with no strings, no love and no commitment. Perfect.

So, you don't get to be Gabe's "victim."

I’m no one’s victim, not any longer. The only person I have allowed to hurt me is……..ME.

As a DAG (that would be dumb a** girl), I have a foolish heart that still feels things it shouldn't and has no right to. That is entirely my problem and has nothing to do with Gabe. My piss-poor decisions have led me to this confusion and I deserve it.

How do I change things when I’ve set this precedent? I have ZERO ability to communicate with him. I don’t seem to have a problem with most other people but there is a blockage when it comes to him. I’m going to spell out here what I want to say but I don’t want it to come out sounding like this has anything to do with him really, it’s just about me. Oh great, it’s an “it’s not you it’s me” situation!

“Gabe, I have thoroughly enjoyed this last week with you but I am finding that my emotions are engaging even though I have tried to keep them out of it. There is just too much history between us and the feelings I have had for you through the majority of my life have surfaced again. Our past has come back to haunt me and I need to separate myself from it in order to maintain my mental health. I’m sorry if this disappoints you or makes you angry with me but I need to do what is good for me and being involved with you sexually with no love or commitment is causing me to feel like a tramp. Please forgive me for complicating what is already a complicated situation.”

Is this clear enough without blaming him in any way? I really don’t want him to feel bad, this is 100% my fault for allowing it in the first place. I really thought I could be grown up enough to have fun with no emotion but I’m just too much of a silly woman that has emotional needs and isn’t able to shut them off. Gees…..I hate that!!! There really should be some sort of medical procedure to remove those useless emotions. All they cause us is heartache and misery. GAG!