Invinceable

[ernest88]

I find your own words interesting..

Truly, I feel like I'm being untrue to my character and that bothers me.

a little voice sitting on one shoulder pretty much telling you that you are on a very slippery slope...but I don't think you're truly listening to it...

I will say though, I do find that my jealous nature springs up every time I see him texting.

another red flag IMHO...

if it's just about the sex..then it would just be about the sex..

[mishka422]

Exactly my point Mike. That's why I said it. These fleeting emotions are building up and I know for a fact I MUST put a stop to this. I'm only doing further damage to myself.

[Babygirl]

Hey sweetie!! wow what a read!! lots of great advice on here, I can tell you one thing, I rode the teeter totter a while, was where you are now, tried again, and it exploded, nothing changed, in fact got worse....anyways, the road to where i am now, wasnt easy, but who I am now.....is amazing. I NEVER EVER want to go back to the old me, or that Marriage. IMHO sex will just confuse your already confused mind....way to many emotions and history....idk, I just think it makes things more cloudy. Anyways thats all i will say for now lol....barely back and already gonna stir you up hehehe! hang in there girlie!

[oldtimer]

No honesty with yourself yet, or just not much???

It is total bull that this is just about sex and you know it.

You should at least acknowledge to yourself that you would like to reconcile, or you would at least like to see if it is possible. Try it. Say these two things out loud:

A) "I am having sex with Gabe because ultimately I really would like to reconcile if we can work through our issues."

B) "I am having sex with Gabe because I just want someone to f*ck and he is available."

If you tell me (B) is closer to the truth, I'm simply not going to buy it. There are far too many horny men in the world to make making an ex-spouse an attractive FB possible. Not going to happen.

So, working from the crazy idea I have that you might actually get honest with yourself, suppose you grant that you want to reconcile. What to do???

(1) ACCEPT the risks of seeing where this new R leads OR stop it. But for f*cks sake, stop pretending it isn't happening.

(2) Quit pretending emotions aren't involved. OF COURSE they are. It would be rather sick and bizarre if you could have sex with XH without emotions being involved. ACCEPT that the emotions are there. No doubt as long as Gabe is living with you and having sex with you, the emotions will increase. STOP trying to pretend they aren't. THEN MAKE A CHOICE. Are you willing to risk some emotional pain to see if reconciliation is possible or not? YOUR CHOICE. If you aren't up for it, change the situation, today. If you are up for it, quit putting your head in the sand and make choices based on what you really want and what you are really willing to risk.

(3) IMMEDIATELY STOP doing things sexually that you aren't comfortable with. Would I f*ck someone if (a) I felt uncomfortable asking him about his current relationships with other women or (b) he was wildly and privately texting some woman regularly? No. I would not. If you only want sex inside of a monogomous, romantically and sexually exclusive R, then so be it. If you are happy having sex in the context of an open, non-transparent R, then so be it. YOUR CHOICE. You have put in place no boundaries. You have communicated no boundaries. So, you don't get to be Gabe's "victim." You have, on the contrary, both agreed that the sex is just for fun and doesn't mean anything. Basically, you LIED to him and yourself (cuz like I said, I don't believe you for a minute.) Gabe is having sex with you out of love, out of guilt, out of convenience, out of fear of being on the street. Who knows. It is clear that neither of you is interested in committing to getting M tomorrow. Fine. One would hope not. However, there is nothing wrong with a boundary like: "My boundary is that if I have a lover, that man is sexually and romantically involved with me only. No other concurrent involvement is OK. And I require honest, open, transparent communication about such things. So, we need to stop having sex or work within those boundaries." Just because you don't want to M doesn't mean you can't maintain respectful boundaries. STEP AWAY from the victim path... You are the one choosing sex with someone you believe is involved with other women.

(4) Odds are, you will not reconcile. Long-term success would take hard work on both your parts, and even that might not be enough. There is NO WAY to know now whether things will work out. You have to base your choices on the present. There is a chance you could reconcile and have a good M some day. Is that chance worth the risk? Only you can answer that. But first, to even ask yourself the question, you have to quit playing games and get honest with yourself.

[oldtimer]

P.S.

(5) One thing is for sure -- right now you are a happier, more complete, more attractive person for yourself and as a partner. But, if you go back to your old ways, stop taking care of yourself, go full-on martyr/victim (which I hope you now realize is NOT truly giving or loving or nice or healthy or attractive or productive or efficient), you will definitely wind up alone and worse off than before this latest experiment. So, just to repeat again -- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, RESPECT YOURSELF. And, to do either of those, you need to understand what that will take, which is only possible if you GET HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

[ernest88]

Back, back, back ,back...thAT'S GONE FOLKS...that's outta here...

I guess what I found strange was exactly some of what O.T. hit on with that home run swing...

there are guys and women out there in the world who have F*** buddy relationships..with rules...so I guess i find it strange that you and Gabe did the deed..I can't imagine having sex with an ex...to me that would be very, very confusing...i don't think that either of you could get your mind right to maintain that type relationship..I would like to know how it is in that house right now..is it awkward?? How is it for Marc? .I think at some point someone is going to think that you are in reconciliation mode...and that someone is probably Gabe..since all men are DAMS...

PS...I got no problems either way..I figure everyone has their own free will to make whatever decisions they want to make..as long as both people are consenting adults...I wanted to make that clear....

[mishka422]

Not ignoring....just absorbing and thinking.

If you tell me (B) is closer to the truth, I'm simply not going to buy it. There are far too many horny men in the world to make making an ex-spouse an attractive FB possible. Not going to happen.

I want B to be closer to the truth but I know it isn't. That's why I said this:

These fleeting emotions are building up and I know for a fact I MUST put a stop to this. I'm only doing further damage to myself.

My foolish emotions have engaged and it's tearing me up. There is no easy way out of this poor decision I made in the heat of the moment but I must stop it. I started the ball rolling on that last night. The texting started as soon as he got back from work and went on and on. I finally looked him in the eye and told him that I don't appreciate him flirting with his girlfriend in front of me. It brings up a lot of past pain and I can't go back there. He claimed she was a girl who is a friend but nothing more. I just flat out told him that was what he said about the broom too and look where that ended up. I have no right to put demands on him but I am telling him how this makes me feel and I hope he will respect that. He agreed that it was rude of him given 'the situation'.

Just say it already! I'm completely stupid and weak and am allowing myself to be taken advantage of for one reason. My own lack of self-worth tells me that I don't deserve any better than this. It's bull, I know it in my head, but my deep down soul truly believes that this is better than being completely alone and miserable. It's not, it's not, it's NOT!!!!

I think at some point someone is going to think that you are in reconciliation mode...and that someone is probably Gabe..since all men are DAMS...

Gabe would not think that, DAM or not. He's getting a free ride in more ways than one and that is perfectly comfortable for him. I don't blame him at all. He is a man after all and isn't that every man's ultimate fantasy? Sex with no strings, no love and no commitment. Perfect.

So, you don't get to be Gabe's "victim."

I’m no one’s victim, not any longer. The only person I have allowed to hurt me is……..ME.

As a DAG (that would be dumb a** girl), I have a foolish heart that still feels things it shouldn't and has no right to. That is entirely my problem and has nothing to do with Gabe. My piss-poor decisions have led me to this confusion and I deserve it.

How do I change things when I’ve set this precedent? I have ZERO ability to communicate with him. I don’t seem to have a problem with most other people but there is a blockage when it comes to him. I’m going to spell out here what I want to say but I don’t want it to come out sounding like this has anything to do with him really, it’s just about me. Oh great, it’s an “it’s not you it’s me” situation!

“Gabe, I have thoroughly enjoyed this last week with you but I am finding that my emotions are engaging even though I have tried to keep them out of it. There is just too much history between us and the feelings I have had for you through the majority of my life have surfaced again. Our past has come back to haunt me and I need to separate myself from it in order to maintain my mental health. I’m sorry if this disappoints you or makes you angry with me but I need to do what is good for me and being involved with you sexually with no love or commitment is causing me to feel like a tramp. Please forgive me for complicating what is already a complicated situation.”

Is this clear enough without blaming him in any way? I really don’t want him to feel bad, this is 100% my fault for allowing it in the first place. I really thought I could be grown up enough to have fun with no emotion but I’m just too much of a silly woman that has emotional needs and isn’t able to shut them off. Gees…..I hate that!!! There really should be some sort of medical procedure to remove those useless emotions. All they cause us is heartache and misery. GAG!

[Babygirl]

hey i dont like you calling yourself a DAG!!!! your confused, I Think we can come up with some ideas and a plan to help you! Honey if I did it, you can too. I missed you! and you are strong!

[BobbiJo]

Thinking.....

oh and hugs!

[bright_new_day]

“Gabe, I have thoroughly enjoyed this last week with you but I am finding that my emotions are engaging even though I have tried to keep them out of it. (I would not include this part....no need to let him know that you are affected emotionally. Maybe you should just open with something about needing to speak about what has been going n the past week.) There is just too much history between us and the feelings I have had for you through the majority of my life have surfaced again. Our past has come back to haunt me and I need to separate myself from it in order to maintain my mental health. Again, I wouldn't discuss your emotions this way. Why let him know how it is effecting you, or give him a weapon to use against you. I’m sorry if this disappoints you or makes you angry with me but I need to do what is good for me and being involved with you sexually with no love or commitment is causing me to feel like a tramp. is not good for me. Please forgive me for complicating what is already a complicated situation.”