Question

[awest1217]

It is ok. I just always have been a very independent person. I am also very social, which is why I thrive at work. I love to talk to my students and get to know them. It is fun. I also love the people at church because we all hang out a lot. I have a big family so I have plenty of people to be around. Once in a while I do want to just hang out without S, but it is hard so I don't do it too often, but it does happen on occasion and usually during the summer or vacation because then I don't feel guilty since S doesn't get to see me much during the work week.

I also don't mind being by myself. I wish I had someone and sometimes am lonely, but I was always the girl who was very confident, independent, a lot of guys liked me and we would flirt, but many wouldn't date me because of my religious beliefs. I like to have fun. I was also the girl with very high expectations and if a guy didn't meet my expectations I would break up with him right away. My longest relationship before H was 2 weeks (I started dating at 14). Something changed with H and I am not sure why. He would push the line and I would change for him instead of making him come to my level like I usually did. I don't know why it was different for him. I wish now that i would have stuck to my guns, but I didn't always realize that I had changed. Now I am back to my confident, independent self. I am great without a guy and enjoy my single life. I wish I did have guys to flirt with, but that it ok, and will come with time. I sometimes have too much with S all the time, but I wouldn't change that for the world.

Actually reading a lot of people's talk about divorce and finances and kids, I just don't know about doing it again. I mean I am 99.9% sure it is over, but man I don't want to deal with the financial stuff or splitting time on S. I am selfish and if H hasn't tried to see S much in a year why should he get every other weekend? I don't think it is fair when he has had every opportunity to be with S and won't. On the H front, he text me yesterday and we talked a bit. He asked about making plans for Saturday, my birthday. I said it was up to him. I said if he really wants to then he can. I think I may send him a text tonight because yesterday caught me off guard, and let him know that I only want him to plan something if he is doing it because he wants a relationship with me and not out of duty. To me we are not together so I was not planning on him doing anything with me (I would like him to pick-up a card and little gift "from S" just because I think that is nice to do for the mother of your child), but anything else I don't want unless he really wants a relationship because it gives me a false sense of hope. On the other hand, I also think why not take advantage of the time and gifts, OW's b-day is the week after mine and I am sure he already has plans with her, so the mean side of me says take what you can get, but honestly I really would rather get nothing then get my hopes up. Thoughts?