You're right, the down in the dumps doesn't last as long and I guess that is a small sign of growth on our part. It still sucks so bad to have to go throught them at all. Oh, well. Life ain't easy.
All in all, a good weekend. I took the kids fishing, bike riding on a nature trail and had a picnic. All without W. She had v'ball tournament and set up for the dance Sat. Sun., she ran around, going to school to take leftover food and other things while the kids and I fished and played. We got home and cleaned up the yard, picked up sticks and cut grass. Kids wanted to make a fire and roast hot dogs so that's what we did for supper. W got home @ 6:00 and joined us. Was in a decent mood, but no affection at all. Better than the silent treatment.
I continue to draw strength from our wonderful children. Seeing them do the simple things we do out in the country-they get so excited when they catch a fish or have a simple picnic. I wish W would take time to enjoy it with us.
You're doing a great job on focusing on the simple pleasures with the children.
I'm posting the Picnic Story for you (sorry don't know who should get the credit for writing it):
Quote:
I also like this story:
PICNIC ANALOGY: Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So, I guess it's over, or at least going to the next shi77y level. W got home after school board meeting after 1:30 am. I was sitting in the bedroom, dressed, waiting. She asked what was wrong. I said, really? After all we talked about this and you think it is OK for a married woman to stay out this late, especially with the problems we are having.
Then we walked outside and continued, she was done, blah, blah, blah. And flat out lying about things. She knows I know she is lying and still tries to pass the blame on to me. IDU!
She says divorce can be civil and we can all be friends. I told her if that's what she thought, she had another thing coming. She needed to find a place to go and leave me and the kids in the house. I told you before, it's not what I want, but I can't decide for you. She said you're right, I want out but I'm not leaving these kids. I told her she asked me twice to leave them. No, she said, I asked you to leave me, not the kids, they will always love you.
I told her again, she needed to find a place, it was her that didn't want to try to work things out. She said again that she wouldn't leave.
IDU.. I am in the same boat... I told her the same thing, she will not leave either. In fact sleeps in the same bed still after I told her that.. They dont take you serious.. The only thing for me is that I dont want to leave, and it is very important to me that the kids know ( when they find out) that this was mom's choice. I want to make sure that I did the cool thing and stay calm.
I would remain there, and relax take care of the kids and you.. Dont show that you are defeated....
In fact, tonight I will be taking the kids and myself for a long bike ride. Weather is getting better.. As I have learned from this site, take care of you and kids first. Dont worry about what she does. Its funny how I can give these thoughts but implimenting them for myself are tougher..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
remember to 48 hour rule that alot of people follow around here. You don't have to do ro say ANYTHING right now. Take control back of the wheel from your W. Do what feels right to you after 48 hours have passed.
Think about it, you deserve to.
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
How do you balance boundaries with not being a door mat?
I know what doesn't work. Her staying out until after 1:30 is something we talked about. She knows it isn't right but she did it anyway. Should I not have said anything and let her think I am alright with it?
I don't want my W to leave the house. I know it is harder to DB with her gone.
Do you really think she would have thought you were alright with it if you said nothing? If you were asleep when she got home?
Maybe you could lock the bedroom door when she's out late, and put a note on it... "Please do not disturb". When she knocks, tell her sorry, I'm settled in, you'll have to find somewhere else to sleep.
