how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

so, after the snippy email from him yesterday, my H texted last night to make sure that i was ok. i usually ride my bike to work and he'd heard that some young woman on a bike was struck not far from my office and he wanted to make sure it wasn't me. i mean, i know he obviously still cares about me and my general well being, but...i was a little thrown by that. it was nice of him to check in on me and i told him as much.

it's possible that he got fired, but i don't think so. he really REALLY hated that job and said it wasn't what he'd signed up for. but again, he could be spinning the story, and i'd really have no way of knowing.

i don't think his sister knows the low down on my H. he's not communicating much with his family and she said she has no idea if he's ok or not but she just hopes his therapist is helping him. the first time we separated, i did have a sit down with her and she explained to me that this is "just what H does" - he runs away from his problems and his family just says, oh well, that's just the way he is.

i just don't even know what's working and what's not working anymore. and on top of that, i don't even know how much i WANT this to work. he has completely shut me out of his life, and that he would even THINK to say, "you needing support from me is going to mean i'll have to sell my motorcycle and move in with my sister" when this was a choice that HE MADE for himself...that's just not someone i want to be with.

he's still thinking about himself first. no matter that he's put me in this spot where i have to ask for help with my finances because my salary is about 1/3 of his...all he's worried about is his precious motorcycle and keeping his own apartment. the anger that wasn't there before is starting to boil below the surface...