Have you got a legal counsel? You will go over your debts and assets with your lawyer/ attorney and will have a better idea of who owes how much from a legal POV. I advise you not make any arrangements with your H without consulting a L.
thanks, wholeagain. here's the deal on our finances. we have no joint debt. we own no property. the car is in his name. his student loan debt is in his name. he is taking on the car, his student loans, his rent, insurance for the car, payments on the motorcycle. i pay my own rent (with support from him), and my bills/debts outside of that are a visa card and a line of credit which my H has agreed to pay X amount for each month (calculated from how much debt we incurred using the card and the line of credit since we've been married).
i will definitely not sign anything without consulting a L first. but my H was frustrated that i would ask for an extension on his support of my rent money (which is currently through the end of july, but i'd like to go through the end of november) when he is dealing with so many other bills and just quit his job last week.
i wanted to respond to him and say, if you were THAT worried about all this sh*t, you probably shouldn't have left your JOB, jackas*!!!!! in fact, i still kind of want to say that to him. but i know it won't accomplish anything. it's just frustrating. now he's whining to me about how he can't afford all this, when it was his decision to walk away and cause all this mess in the first place!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Don't argue with him. But don't agree with his demands until you get a legal counsel. It sounds that you have it ok (you agreements with H). You know what I mean, he might be getting extra loans to cover your rent and have extravagant expenses, if not now possibly soon (do you have intel? does he have EA/PA?). How would law treat those loans, as a marital debt? Would you be liable? That's why you need a legal counsel.
I understand you might not want to sign agreements, as it would bring D a step closer and you want (subconsciously?) have some business between you and him to keep in contact. It can be in your interest to sign the agreement if you think it's fair from financial POV. There are many LBS's that have to spend money on litigation upfront because their WAS's were not cooperating.
TTA - he's left you...that is his biggest irrational decision. You love him and are now accepting of him.
He's hurt, confused, and depressed. Is it possible he was fired and doesn't want to tell you? Is it that he knew that he wasn't doing his job well enough?
If memory serves, he's not on any ADHD drugs, so it could be impulsivity. If he wants off pot and to control his emotions, I hope his IC, you, or someone can get him some meds to deal with that.
If he wants to meet for coffee, maybe somewhere without memories of failures, what could it hurt? It would be a chance to remind him physically that you are there, perhaps of your soft touch, and that he has a reason to keep working (financially & emotionally). It is much less cold that a text message to say in person, "I'm worried that the stress might be too hard for you. I'm worried about my own sitch, too. Can you tell me what your plans are."
BTW - some ADHD meds can help with anxiety, too and lower the risk of depression.
Sorry to 'double message' again, but i forgot to add one thing.
You mentioned that his sister said he is beginning to exclude her. Maybe have a coffee with her and try to get the low down.
Fight for your M, TTA. Make the opportunities happen. You've said that you are sure the man you married is buried inside. Find help. If a D does happen, move on. Until the final judgement comes through though (if it does), fight.
You've tried waiting. Didn't work. You've tried listening. Didn't work. Did you ever try using your gut to change the game? Yes. When you went to N.O., you came back to him wanting MC. So sometimes it helped, and sometimes not.
180s are about doing what works and changing what doesn't.
so, after the snippy email from him yesterday, my H texted last night to make sure that i was ok. i usually ride my bike to work and he'd heard that some young woman on a bike was struck not far from my office and he wanted to make sure it wasn't me. i mean, i know he obviously still cares about me and my general well being, but...i was a little thrown by that. it was nice of him to check in on me and i told him as much.
it's possible that he got fired, but i don't think so. he really REALLY hated that job and said it wasn't what he'd signed up for. but again, he could be spinning the story, and i'd really have no way of knowing.
i don't think his sister knows the low down on my H. he's not communicating much with his family and she said she has no idea if he's ok or not but she just hopes his therapist is helping him. the first time we separated, i did have a sit down with her and she explained to me that this is "just what H does" - he runs away from his problems and his family just says, oh well, that's just the way he is.
i just don't even know what's working and what's not working anymore. and on top of that, i don't even know how much i WANT this to work. he has completely shut me out of his life, and that he would even THINK to say, "you needing support from me is going to mean i'll have to sell my motorcycle and move in with my sister" when this was a choice that HE MADE for himself...that's just not someone i want to be with.
he's still thinking about himself first. no matter that he's put me in this spot where i have to ask for help with my finances because my salary is about 1/3 of his...all he's worried about is his precious motorcycle and keeping his own apartment. the anger that wasn't there before is starting to boil below the surface...
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
also, OTM, my H has said he can't see me anymore, it's too hard for him. so i don't know that he would even be open to the idea of meeting for coffee to discuss a few things in the agreement. i have no idea if his IC has talked to him about any medication but he did tell me about 2 weeks ago that she was more focused/interested in his history and his behavior patterns than she was in the ADHD factor, so that tells me she's probably not thinking about medication.
wholeagain - no EA/PA that i'm aware of. i have no access to his email, bank accounts, or phone at this time, so i really have no way of knowing. but i really don't think that is the case. as far as extravagant expenses, without a job, and knowing how much debt he has in his name, i don't think he could even get a loan to have access to more money. that's why his motorcycle is in my name. he couldn't get the loan for it because his credit is so bad.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
things seem pretty hopeless with the H right now. but for the first time, i'm really starting to feel ok with that. i don't want that marriage back, anyway, and while i feel i did all i could to be supportive and understanding, there's only so much i can do. i do not want to be married to someone who does not want to fully commit 100% to making things work. i don't want to be married to someone who will continually put other people/things ahead of me in his life. i don't want to be married to someone who just keeps on walking away.
he is not the same. i don't want the old him, but i don't want this new him, either. he may come out of it, he may not, i don't know. but i can't and i won't wait around for that to happen.
i'll sign his agreement (once i have a L look over it) and i'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. this is a choice he will have to live with for the rest of his life, and i'm trying my best to see this as an opportunity to pursue my own destiny and to find what makes me happy.
i'm not saying i'm giving up entirely. i am still broken hearted. i am still grieving. but i feel like i am really, truly for the first time, letting go.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
