Is this piecing?

[MrBond]

You are still allowing him to walk all over you.

Pick yourself up and make a stand. Stop listening to him. You are worth it! Don't listen to the gibberish he's spewing now. We've all heard it.

It's just to cover their own insecurities. Try to look at him straight in the eye and tell him "sorry you feel that way" and walk away tall.

It's hard as hell but you can do it. You must do it.

DO NOT LET HIM BEAT YOU!@

[Butterfly1]

Ok, yes, I blew it again because MC seemed to go so well today - deeper talks than before and then I had an issue with my neighbor and couldn't get over there tonight to be "dark". As soon as S went to bed H corned me and started venting at me I kept saying, "I can't go to my neighbor's so what do you want to do tonight." He used it to be mean to me instead of saying "ok, how about we stay in separate rooms? Can I have the front room?" He couldn't just ask politely, even though I clearly asked him to ask for what he wanted and politely. He kept spewing "what i want is to not be here this place stinks and is a disgusting pit and I'm so uncomfortable etc etc etc"

I did well, I left the room and of course he followed me and continued to slam me. Venting all his miseries with me despite my insistence he stay on topic. He said he doesn't want to stay here any more for S. He will visit but not stay over. I panicked inside. Took the bait. It went south. Told you I'm bad at dark.

I can't allow myself to hope once we have a good open convo in MC that we can continue to talk respectfully because H has made up his mind and wants to spew as to why so I have to protect myself.

Back to working on accepting that I cannot have any expectations nor count on H. EMails ala Kalni are in order regarding the schedule. I don't know if this is Db to affect change in the r, or just a way to lose iwth whatever dignity I can muster but I'm struggling with the desire to beg and plead and I know Ican't show him this face.

So now that I can't go to neighbors - at least until I can reach her in Europe and clear things up - this is going to be hell.

I am sorry I have let you all down ... I'm sorry it's hard to watch. I'm humiliated at my backslide.

So now back to dark - I shouldn't have even let him vent his miseries, I should have disappeared into the back room. On the other hand, he may have followed me in ther to go on and on about how miserable the R has and always will be and how he is not interested in being with me like he did anyhow.

SO back to square one. Until things are clear with my neighbor, I'll have to stay in the back room and just leave if he doesn't leave me alone.

[GoingForward]

H4L,

I do not know your entire sitch. I have only read the last several posts.

Though my M is unfortunately ending in D, I am one who believes, wholeheartedly, that M is forever.

However, if your H has truly said and even "convinced" you that he "hates you" and has said to you that you aren't "worth it"....I really believe you are better off without him. He is an emotional and verbal abuser. IMHO, that is the worst kind there is.

PLEASE DO NOT EVER BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTH ANYTHING. You are NOT wrong - your H is, because a well person wouldn't hurt another human being like that.

Let him go. I am not saying "get a D". I am just saying let him be and only worry about taking care of yourself.

(((You can do this)))

[Kalni]

OK, enough with the self pitty. ENOUGH. HE can NOT define who you are. Come on!!! Yes it is the hardest thing you ever had to do, but it wont kill you.
Turtles's back we used to call it here when I joined, waive and smile and disengage...
K

[LauraOh]

H4L, this isn't as bad as it seems. You had a good session, and he must have been drawn to you.

It's typical for them to "go back" after any internal movement forward. There is a battle going on in there. They want you to change, they hope, but then they don't want to hope and it be for nothing.

Start to expect it--it is a typical pattern. A great site that will give you some help is www.fightbusters.com. Lots of very useful info there!!

[flowmom]

H4L, you have not let us down. You know who you have let down -- it's yourself. You have to change the situation so that it's not convenient for him to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you. You must protect yourself from the spewing. I think you should welcome and encourage him to stop staying overnight...it puts you in a vulnerable situation where you are the ever-ready emotional punching bag. Don't kid yourself that it's OK to tolerate that in the name of your S's well being. You don't have to decide anything about your M today. All you have to do today is decide how you're going to take care of yourself and your S. Imagine yourself as your own mother -- how would mother H4L take care of you in this painful situation...what would she advise you? You need to access your inner wisdom and nurturing side. You need to be on your own side.

This is a very difficult situation and until you make changes, you'll continue to be hurt over and over again.

Sending you big hugs...

[rockedworld]

(((H4L)))
I haven't had a chance to completely catch up with your sitch, but I am wondering about this: Why are you in MC at this point? I'm not sure that it is the best thing to be doing when there is this level of abuse as well as an active A going on? I am worried that it gives you false hopes and actually is doing more harm than good. Get IC for yourself but stopping the MC will help you with going dark. Let H take S elsewhere for visitation. I wouldn't want an abusive a$@hole like that in my home. Stand up for yourself hun, and get as dark as possible.

[rr22]

I agree it may be a good idea for him to stop staying overnight. You and S will get break from drama and that is good for you and S. H's attitude MIGHT also improve. He can't handle the stress of doing this every day because he already has mood issues. Men on this board claim men need to go to their cave to repair themselves. If that's true, an improvement in the sitch could come from him getting space. Continuing as is also will not fix anything. Maybe don't engage him in power struggle about sleeping at the house. It seems like it will blow up on you. Sorry you are having such a rough week. This sounds like a very stressful situation right now. You have the power to stop the fight cycle even if he tries to continue it.


Please tell yourself he is not the last man in the universe who will love H4L whichever way this goes! You make friends easily. And people like you. You have a good sense of humor and I can tell you would be fun to spend time with.

[alice444]

Definitely, he needs to not stay overnight anymore. You need to reduce his power to hurt you. If you can't bring up his post-MC abusive behavior in the next MC session, I'd say stop it for now- or talk to MC yourself once to let her know what's going on outside of MC. If he's just undoing all progress as soon as you guys leave, there's no point in keeping up that charade for now.

Are you still seeing IC? Will H stay away from house if you tell him to? He needs to see S elsewhere right now, Hope. you need to take back your house and space- re-read my post from yesterday- gather back your strength.

(((Hope)))

[alice444]

J, that was one of the most powerful replies I've read lately. You're such a strong and intelligent woman!

My cheesy Buddhist-type metaphor is: instead of being the leaf that goes haywire and spins and churns whenever there's the slightest ripple in the pond, become the rock that's buried in the earth that water laps at but doesn't really move or affect. You can see the ripples- they might tickle a little bit- but... you are the ROCK.

Wow, I needed to read that for my own sitch. Not cheesy at all.

Well, this makes me feel good, R- thanks! you're so good for my ego . I wish I had as much clarity and "wisdom"- if that's what it is- in my own sitch. But that's how it probably is for all of us, right? And I wish I felt "strong" - I don't, but it's nice to hear.