reconciliation after divorce?

[Number 8]

Wow, any chance, I don't know what to think of this. Does she want you to offer her comfort? If so, do you think it would be right to give it? A wise person once told me that you don't want someone to feel strong enough to D you. Would comforting her do this?

If she has asked for D, have you made it clear once again that you don't want one?

This is a tough one. I'm sure her being upset is terribly painful for you, but as much as you want to, you can't fix this. She has to work through it all. I'll be thinking of you.

[Number 8]

And as for the smiley . . . I think you may be stuck with it unless someone knows a trick I don't. I was in the same situation not too long ago.

[any chance?]

Thanks, #8.
I agreed to the D, telling her that I did not agree, but recognizing that she was at the point that this was going to happen. I think she is conflicted, but I cannot pin my hopes on her changing her mind. To do so would be foolish and way too painful. She and I have been through thick and thin for 19 years, and this is hard to deal with. I want to comfort, but know that I cannot. Tearing me up, to be sure. I am the one asked for the D, and I feel bad for W? I must be truly messed up.

[Number 8]

I want to comfort, but know that I cannot. Tearing me up, to be sure. I am the one asked for the D, and I feel bad for W? I must be truly messed up.

Ha! Been here, too! You're not messed up (and neither am I, I don't think). You're a compassionate human being who loves your spouse and hates to see her suffering, no matter the cause of the suffering.

I'm so sorry, any chance. This really has been a tough day for you.

[MrBond]

First off, you should never "agree" to D if that's not what you want. Just say that you understand why your W would like to D. And that's it.

Everytime you say you want a D because it's what she wants, you're digging your own grave.

Second. No one is totally blameless. Your W had her faults as well. How did she find out about your A? How long was it, etc. And more importantly, why did you do it?

You can't say that she was digging up "ammo" for what she's doing now when all she did was find out the truth.

[any chance?]

I did not say she was digging up ammo to defend herself. There is no need for such a thing, as far as I am concerned. It is my impression she gave up on our M long ago, and got to the point that she did not want to reconnect. Maybe that is permannent. The move for the D certainly suggests that. I told her I understood she wanted a D and that I thought is was a wrong move, and that I disagreed. I am not giving her a D because it is what she wants. I am giving her a D because it was clear that continual refusal was going to cause ongoing, alienating pain. Maybe I am a moron.

[MrBond]

"Just got asked for the D. W says she has caught me lying about a past PA, and that all trust is gone. Seems as if she has spent the last week trying to justify her decision to go for the D."

This is where I got the impression that your were implying that she was digging stuff up.

You still didn't answer the question as to why and for how long you had cheated on her. It's important because women don't usually forget something like that. Not only that, but you say that you didn't treat her right and this is probably after you had the A. So if you had an A and you didn't treat her right after, why should she trust you now?

That's what's probably running in her head. The OM is just a band-aid. Dig deeper to find out the real reason she's leaving.

[any chance?]

My mistake was putting my career in front of my marriage. I was emotionally neglecting her without even realizing it, being blind as I was. The PA was brief (1 month) and was thoughtless and very stupid, and undoubtedly very painful. The major turn in our marriage happened about 2 years ago during a period of major stress in my life and career, when I was overwhelmend and not paying attention. I believe I know why our R crumbled, and have intentionally made changes to correct that over the past 4-6 months, but don't think W saw these. Her mind was made up, and my changes were too little too late. She has commented on the changes, but I fear the damage is too deep. I do not want this D, but W does, because her feelings for me are gone. Don't know how to fight that. Ideas would be most welcome.

[dday101798]

I think this is a simple case of CLOSURE, not changes. Your W wants closure on the A, one way or the other.

[any chance?]

"I think this is a simple case of CLOSURE, not changes. Your W wants closure on the A, one way or the other."

Don't understand. Please explain to the terminally ignorant. Is it possible for me to help with that closure, or am I supposed to not make contact?