How do you deal with friends and family who tell you to just move on and don't try to save your marriage?
I did not have a lot of problems with this because though everyone knew about my situation, I was clear from the beginning that I would Stand for my marriage. I was polite, but told people that though I loved and respected them, I did not care whether they agreed with my Stand or even if they lost respect for me because of it. I would rather lose their respect than my won respect for myself.
I also had a small circle of friends, so there were not a lot of people. The only person who was a problem was my step mother, and my poor Dad got an earful from me. She did not tell it to me, but to my Mom who reported it to me. I talked to my parents and I had friends that came from support groups like here at DB.
I think if I has not been doing well, my mother would have said something. But because I remained strong, even during low periods, she had faith in me as a survivor. I did not want my circle of support to be blind. That is difficult to see sometimes.
Originally Posted By: covenantkeeper
I realize they are doing this because they don't want to see us in pain and they think this is the only way to shield us from that. But, I am finding it harder and harder to talk to people when after telling them I will not give up on my husband, they look at me like I'm nuts. Or I get the look of the "poor soul, she's so lost right now and isn't thinking straight."
I’m glad that you realize they are concerned about you and that they hurt when you hurt. Evenso, you need to make your own decisions. How concerned are you with other people’s opinions of yourself? Are you a people pleaser? Does it bother you when someone’s views you with pity? Do you let their perception influence your perception?
Some friends and family will either be too hurt and affected by your pain, too incensed at what you are doing or simply unable to agree to disagree. Do not discuss your situation with them. They get to choose their opinions too. It would be unfair for you to discuss your problems with people you know do not agree and will not remain quiet about it and then expect them to be supportive.
My Dad always supported me. But I eventually refrained from discussing my situation with him because he was not able to handle it emotionally. It hurt him too much. He worried for me and he worried for my husband—he worried the OW would harm him.
Originally Posted By: covenantkeeper
He was more cruel with each text he sent…
Instead of just stopping, even though I knew I would be the one getting hurt, I found myself reacting to him.
He tried to tell me he had never loved me and faked it for 33 years.
He told me that he once loved me ever so briefly, but wanted early on to leave me… 2 days after
he proposed to me!!
He was so afraid of me (again, I am not even 5' tall) that he decided to go ahead and marry me.
h has told me he married me anyway although he was supposedly scared to death of me.
he slept in the same bed with me all last summer even though he was afraid I would kill him in his sleep
Your MLCer is in Monster. Many LBSs have experienced this. I heard the same thing—while he was also sleeping next to me at night.
And you know what, I don’t think he believed what he was saying. Poisoned muffins, I was eating them too! Your MLCer does have darker things in his past and may believe the projections. But also consider what he’s hearing from others. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned She will damage your stuff. Watch your back. I heard about this guy who left his wife and she found where he lived and killed her.
My husband was warned that I would destroy his property he left in the garage. The OW may have said some of this, but well-meaning friends also spoke up. Really, they were well-meaning. It was a valid concern, not because I was going to damage his property, but because predicting what someone will do amidst the trauma of abandonment is difficult. Trustworthy, ethical and honest people, upstanding Christians included, go beserk.
Originally Posted By: covenantkeeper
Could this be one of those situations where someone in MLC projects onto the wife something that someone else close to them actually did?
Yes, it could. This is not uncommon. Maybe that can help you understand and release. But focusing on this and other explanations with analysis paralysis will not help you.
Originally Posted By: covenantkeeper
In my opinion, he is following a pattern. He did something he didn't want to do, but was afraid he would be killed. He could not sleep at night for fear he would be killed in his sleep, and when he finally got up the nerve to escape, he brought in the cops to protect him from being killed.
More analysis. I get it, I did it and I do it. But focus on your Self first.
Originally Posted By: covenantkeeper
After talking to him today, I am more concerned about him than ever before!! For a while there, I thought I was talking to someone who was mentally ill.
I went through this too. I used it for myself—I realized I was not a wife with a bad marriage or even an abandoning spouse, but I was a wife with a sick spouse. It helped me to Stand. Other than that I did nothing with it; okay I analyzed…I’ll admit it. But let this feeling serve you by serving your Stand. You are not his rescuer; he must save himself. Turn it over to God.
Easier said than done. Talk to your counselor and minister about doing this.
