The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

I do have too much going on but after the website starts then I should be more on a schedule. My business picked up really by accident. I did an event for someone then word of mouth spread and I figured that God opens doors for opportunities at certain times. So I felt like I had been practicing and practicing for years and now so many doors have opened for me that I needed to take advantage. However, it all happened to be at the same time that my personal life is a bit our of whack. For an entire year I put my business aspirations on hold to focus on being a new wife, a new mother, and adjusting to all that that entails.

So now I added this business to my plate and I really need to drop something else that was on it....WHAT BETTER THING TO DROP THAN WORRYING ABOUT MY HUSBAND :-)

I thought about it and this board and you lovely people :-) are so supportive that I would rather not drop it especially facing some of my upcoming challenges (i.e. son's bday party).

I will admit that I have a problem. I am having trouble shaking off husband and not thinking about him. Its actually frustrating because its something that I want to do and the harder I try the harder it is. IF I can just get through mini goals I think each moment will get easier. I will update my thread once a day once I accomplish my goal at the end of the day.

Mini Goal for today:
- complete my desserts for photo shoot and DO NOT CALL OR TEXT HUSBAND for the rest of the day.

[4luv]

I don't know if anyone has ever read happy_again's posts but they are very good...especially the ones he wrote AFTER he came back to his wife. He was a WAH and supposedly in a MLC (although I don't really buy the whole MLC thing anymore). The following quote is what he wrote about where his head was at the time when he was gone. HIs wife's name is Allie and after their marriage was saved she also joined the forum and they would write together. She also wrote on her experience with the whole thing. I think her user name is 'notimpossible'

"I am writing as the thoughts come into my head.i wish the wives would understand that we do not need their help to get fixed.we have to do it ourselves.i already have a mom i donlt need another i needed a wife and a friend.if they could only understand that for me i needed to know that Allie was still there but i needed this time to clear my head. if i wanted her to know something i would tell her and the snooping business has to definately stop. i will never forget the time when i came home to find Allie crying and sobbing because she had snooped and found my cell phone bill.the last thing i needed was a whining woman on my back and i didnt want to have to start explaining myself and i also didntt want to see my wife so torn up.it hurt so much to see this strong woman falling apart because of me but at that time i couldnt find the strength to hold her and tell her that one day it would all be ok instead i told her that she got what she deserved for snooping.i told her to get over it to move on with her life and to leave me the hell alone.Ileft. i drove for hours.i parked my car in a local shopping area and cried. what the hell was i doing?but I couldn;t stop myself.i called my friend who validated the fact that if Alie hadn;tsnooped she woulsnt be so upset. i chose to listen to her words instead it eased my conscience."

[4luv]

More from happy_again...

"there any time that you resented Allie for being strong and keeping life together while you struggled?

Allie is and has always been strong maybe this is why i knew she would keep it all together.it eased my mind to know that Allie was an excellent mother and she was always good with the bills and the home so i didnlt have to worry that things would fall apart. But seeing her fall apart emotionally because of me was very difficult.I had never seen that side of her before and it scared me.having a Mlc is almost like living two lives.thereis the part that wants the security of a home and a family and then there is a part that wants to be young and free and do crazy [censored] like we did in high school.but never the two shall meet, it doesn't work that way."

[mb28]

4luv,
Wow, I didn't know a WAH was on here, thank you so much for sharing. I will be looking up his posts.

How is your son? I hope you have a good weekend, and do NOT beat yourself up for texting H. Hugs

[4luv]

Hi all,

My photoshoot for my desserts went EXCELLENT!! Lots of relief and not as stressed and caught up on some much needed sleep.

I still haven't verbally spoken to my husband. Our very, very limited communication is through text. He texted me to see how our son was doing with the pneumonia. I was to the point about his condition. At one point I texted back "call...driving" as I was about to be on the road. Of course husband didn't call. Husband randomly texted me "I love you" the night of my photoshoot. It was kind of random so I didn't know how to respond. I have so many things I want to say to husband and so much anger that I think right now its best for me not to respond unless it is regarding our son. I think the saying "Don't say anything if you have nothing nice to say" applies in my case. I also noticed that the singles website that husband would always be on, he hasn't logged on in the last 7 days. He used to be on this website chatting for hours throughout the day.

MIL has actually spoken to husband on the phone and says that he doesn't sound like himself. She asked him "have you spoken to your family..checked on your wife and son?" He told her "no, i really need to get it together."

I don't know what is going on with husband. I told MIL that he texted me"I love you" but for all I know he could have meant to send that to OW. MIL says that husband knew exactly who he was texting and that he is probably trying to feel me out to see how I feel towards him after that phone call.

Honestly I do love my husband but I don't trust him right now. His web of lies are so deep that even the smallest thing from him I don't trust. I don't know where the truth ends and the lies begin with him. I have been thinking alot lately and I do want my marriage but I don't know how you build trust from that point. Its not even just the OW, its the everyday things I still don't trust. How do I know when my husband is being real or if he is manipulating me and playing a game. I never know if his actions or words are real or if they are part of this 'game' that he is playing. All of this has made me think twice about our marriage.

[4luv]

mb28,

My son is doing much better. HE still is getting breathing treatments every 4 hours but he is back to crawling/walking and being playful again :-)

[Allen A]

4luv, monitoring your H's activity on single's forums is NOT NO CONTACT.

The idea of No Contact or "Protection Phase" is for YOU to protect YORUSELF from unhealhty drama of his chosen lifestyle. How on earth can you protect yourself from his unhealthy lifestyle reading his posts on singles forums regularly?

More to the point, why would you text him to CALL YOU?

IGNORE ANY TEXT he SENDS YOU.. PERIOD.. your parents told you more or less the same thing did they NOT?

You are expecting too much turnaround from him too quickly. YOu need to PROTECT YORUSELF.

My worry right now is that he could show up on your doorstep, say everything youw atned to hear, and you two would be in bed the same night, and he will go RIGHT BACK to the Sociopath the following day...

Your goal here is to FIND the STRENGTH to REFUSE CONTACT and IGNROE his ACTIVITIES... you don't seem to be able to control yourself concerning him... THIS is a SERIOUS PROBLEM of yours... Until YOU can CONTROL yourself... HE is giong to keep manipulating you.

And yes the "I love you" and the "I've got to get it together" is just manipulation.. his ACTIONS are the SAME.. its just WORDS

[4luv]

I ignored all of husband's text today. But I will have to respond eventually. He basically wants to know the date, place and time for our son's first bday party. I sent out invites to his family so he could ask one of them if he wanted to. My dad said to let him call me if he really wants to know. Husband sent two text saying "what are the plans for son's bday party?" His third text was "did you get my messages?"

I will probably reply tomorrow. I have not been feeling well today anyway.

[Allen A]

Don't reply, let him find out otherwise. If he wants to KNOW, h can ask someone else... LEAVE him talk to people around you... he's NOT a BABY. To be honest, I would leave him think he's not invited.

how are you going to handle no contact if you are inviting your H to your son's birthday party for goodness sakes?

[4luv]

I have been doing a lot of reading on manipulation. I can see that this is something that has gone on for a LONG time in my relationship with husband. This is what I will focus on ...not being manipulated any more. All of the articles I am reading are very true to my personality even though I tried to portray a strong stance with husband while we were dating. But over time, I taught husband how much he could get away with...it was very subtle but after 9 or 10 years dating it can happen over time and I didn't even realize it.

I am learning that manipulation is really all about control. Husband has to have control. That is why he is choosing not to call me. He has control over responding and what he will say if communication is strictly through text or email. If he called, I could ask him about something (i.e. phone call from OW) that he doesn't want to talk about. This is all control.

I hope that I can change my behaviors.