Has this overgrown CHILD said "I am sorry" even ONCE to you yet or is he still full of himself and his entitlement to walk all over people?
Why are you offering him apologies for FREE? Make him WORK for once!
And NO, you shouldn't have let him over to that apartment. That's gonna wake up a whole mess of memories for him... that was a VERY BAD IDEA.
Keep him AWAY from ANYTHING that is a TRIGGER for his AFFAIR... and his MEETING PLACE is CERTAINLY a TRIGGER. how can he get past withdrawal with you sending him to his secret love nest?
Get someone ELSE to fix the stove to SHOW him that HE has been NEGLECTFUL of his obligations. I did that with my wife when she didn't get things done she normally would have. I just got someone ELSE to do it... SHE felt like CRAP, but it was also a good WAKE UP for her.
He is giong to be angry for a while, he's just POUTING... LET HIM.
He's playing a childish game to make YOU feel GUILTY for HIS MESS... and when YOU apologize you FEED HIS SENSE of ENTITLEMENT further. The more you validate his feelings and apologize for mistakes the more JUSTIFIED he FEELS to act like an A$$.
I guess I need to let go. I had just seen so much good happening the last few days and was hoping that we'd be able to go to Retro still. I guess I need to entirely let go of that.
OK, so the time line has been reset. I am not under pressure to perform now. I've let go of the Retro thing. Throwing out the countdown calendar on my computer.
Praying that by tonight he's feeling better and sleeps in our bed with me. Lots of good was happening there.
H called and said that he wanted to take family to movies for family night or else go bowling. I said MIL was going to teach DSD and I to bowl, so he said "forget it, then." Another instance of him feeling I was controlling him, but I was just trying to share. I didn't pursue it, didn't explain myself, just made a mental note to be extra careful how I communicate in the future. I asked if it was going to be boys and girls separate again tonight, and he said, "it's family night, it should be the whole family." Not sure if that included me or he meant the two kids and him... but I acted as if and assumed me meant me as well.
When I got home from work, H shared a very good funny on youtube. We laughed and then he shared with DSD and we laughed again. It was nice to have us all laughing again. Something that brought H and I together, and keeps the family together is our sense of humor.
I noticed he was doing little things he knows annoy me. He put the toilet tissue upside down when replacing the roll. (It may have been DSD who did that, but she doesn't usually change the roll) I didn't say anything, just left it. (Only because when it's hung on the top, puppy can roll it all over the floor) It was only a big deal when puppy was young, she's over a year old now. He spoke with a pronounced New England accent. Things he thinks annoyed me, but really I just used to tease him about. DSD and DSS picked on his "accent" that suddenly appeared but he insisted that he always had - I said I liked it, it was cute, and defended him, saying they just never noticed before.
On the way to movies, H told me to drive a certain direction to see a car I've always liked parked on the side of the road for sale (Acura NSX) - he knows DSD loves cars, so it was probably for her.
Went to movies tonight for family night. H was conflicted. Touched me (sat next to me) a few times accidentally (sharing an arm rest) and then pulled away, then put back, and so on. I felt he was comfortable around me but not touching me, so I made sure to keep my distance.
Really good night all in all. I'm staying up to do some chores, hope he'll choose the bedroom tonight.
Thanks, Allen... Retro can be put off to another time. I appreciate you stating the obvious. There's that P word again, patience. I just lack it, perhaps that is what I am supposed to learn from this.
I really don't think what you said was controlling. I actually think HE's being more controlling.
Your husband wants to just up and do stuff as he pleases, he won't communicate or plan ahead with anyone else or even ask if there ARE plans already... and when he finds out there ARE.. he POUTS to guilt people into feeling sorry for him.
Don't think YOU controlled that, it was HIM. You stood your ground though and just left it... HE needs to learn he can't just do stuff as he pleases, he needs to plan ahead.
If his MIL makes arrnagements with his kids, he has to get used to that and learn to negotiate and inquire about schedules. Sorry, but he just sounds like a big baby.
Maybe I am reading things wrong, but he just reads as terribly selfish and immature still.. he has a lot of work to do.
Oh, yes, I can see how you read that wrong. Sorry, I meant MIL had plans to teach us to bowl some time, not tonight. He just was feeling like I was saying I didn't want to go with him because we already had plans to go with someone else. See, H is very competitive and won't teach me anything. Bowling is a 180 for me, as I stopped going since he made me feel stupid for doing it... I wanted to learn to bowl, he knows, MIL was on a league, and he just never would teach. He figures out physical stuff quickly, I need to learn by someone explaining it to me. He made me feel bad when he'd win and I'd always lose. He just didn't get that I wanted him to teach me, although I would ask... he's not much of a teacher.
Anyway, it's 12:30 and I'm going to bed alone. I went into the living room where he slept last night and folded some clothes and cleaned up. We watched some funny stuff, he drank two large glasses of wine, and fell asleep. I got up to go to bed, it's cold, so I took my blanket - was going to just leave him in his clothes on the couch, but instead I put it over him and got up for bed. He woke up, asked where the blanket came from, I told him I was going to bed and didn't need it, and I assume you're not coming to bed? He said no, I made no big deal about it, just said OK, good night. Took the dogs and here I am.
Disappointed, but not surprised.
So, good, now I have one more goal to add to my list...get H back into bed with me. This may be a bit of a longer road than I thought. I hope he freezes tonight. LOL. Sorry, just feeling a bit nasty.
All in all, on a scale of 1-10, I'd say tonight was a 4. Not spectacularly great, and not very good, but better than the night before. Lots of laughs, no messing up on my part with R talk or pursuing (except maybe asking if he was coming to bed, but I really didn't make a big deal about it at all... 50-50 there, I guess) He shared with me a funny video, which is a baby step. He had been just showing children, but included me tonight. I did notice I haven't been making eye contact with him, I guess I trained myself not to since he stopped looking at me.
Sad, but just 5 weeks ago, I had an email from him after staying at the apartment all night without calling where he apologized and explained to me that he drank and fell asleep (I say passed out, but whatever) and was I mad. I didn't reply right away, so he emailed again - are you mad at me or just done with me. Stupid, this was before I was certain of OW and I said something to the effect of - I have patience, I will never be done with you. Wish I knew then what I know now, that answer would have been different. But it was that short of a time ago that he told me he was a complete mess at work, couldn't concentrate trying to figure out things with me, and was worried I would leave him. Now he's "done" with us, just a bit over a month later.
Well, to bed, things will look better tomorrow. Good luck all of you and best wishes for a great day tomorrow for all of us.
Pass...you've got to stop being so nice to him. You're still approaching this from the "it's all my fault" place that he's trying to keep you in. He's clever and will manipulate you into thinking it's all your fault anyway he can. My H is a pro at this. I have to catch myself all the time from taking on HIS responsibility in our mess. You should have just gone to bed and left him there. If he'd woken up without a blanket, he would have been uncomfortable and just might have come back to bed. Stop trying to make this all better for him. Detach, for your own sake. It's going to drive you crazy trying to second guess him all the time.
Take the good things at face value without reading anything into it and leave the bad. You have some things working for you. Just give it time. We've all said, this is a very long road and you are at the beginning.
H called and said that he wanted to take family to movies for family night or else go bowling. I said MIL was going to teach DSD and I to bowl, so he said "forget it, then." Another instance of him feeling I was controlling him, but I was just trying to share.
Personally I think it didn't matter if your MIL was going to take you and DSD at a later date to teach you - that could still have happened. I think you should have gone with the flow. I DO feel that you put obstacles in your way and give your H reasons to get awkward.
I mean, c'mon about the toilet roll? WTF does it matter. You are acting paranoid.
Also, why did you put a blanket on your H? That signalled to him you wanted him to be comfy on the couch, and if I had been him I would have taken it as a sign that that was where you preferred me to be. You shouldn't have done that.
You need to start thinking and stop being so petulant. IMO you are both acting like children and trying to point score off one another. You both sound competitive. So what if he beats you at bowling - not everyone is good at everything - and you have already told us that elsewhere, (ie jobwise etc) you beat your H hands down, so let him feel good about something.
Hopefully you have pretty much knocked the OW thing on the head, so whilst he is feeling sore and low, give hime some things to help him feel better- things that involve you and the family.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, bluestar, I know you're right. I was walking by him and just as an afterthought, out of habit, threw the blanket on him, I never should have done that .
Saffie, H acts like a jerk when he wins - he says he competes against himself and no one else, but even DSD doesn't want to play with him b/c he makes them feel bad. He says he's teaching them to win, I say he's a sore winner. I gave up bowling with him years ago, which is why MIL offered to teach DSD and I how to bowl, so I could do the 180 and maybe with enough practice kick his butt. Would make me feel good. I don't really care about how he feels about winning, it makes him feel superior, and I want to win against him. I'm sticking with my plan on bowling, b/c it's something I enjoyed as a child, something the family likes and a way to make H sit up and take notice. He liked when I beat him at things early on in our R, and it would engage him in more behavior with me to try to beat me, taking me out more, etc. Don't know where I gave you the impression that I beat him in job/money, he makes a bit more than I do. I've been with the company for 2 years, he's been there 12.
I get the rest of what you're saying, though. Thanks for the insight... I am working on my patience.
Anyway, on to me. I need to get new clothes, woo hoo! Sort of... an expense I can't afford right now, I'll be heading to the second hand store I guess since I probably won't be in this size for long either. Going out tonight to a work function, a dinner at a nice Inn, should be good. Hope H and I can go out after for a few drinks and have a good time... maybe some friends will be there for us to hang with so it's not so awkward. (Don't want to feel like it's a date or anything) Looking forward to it.
I don't have any friends that I hang out with, so I've been pursuing a few men at work for some dates. Not like that, group things. I work in a factory, so it's mostly men I know, and a few of them are in bands or know people in bands, so I'm trying to get together a group to go out. Also, one plays paintball and DSD and her friend want to play again, so I'm trying to get together a group for that... most seem to have given up the sport years ago. Will feel good to have friends again. The one thing I worry about is that all of my interests are the same as H's interests - just because we always liked the same type of things. Paintball was his first, but then I got into it. So will it seem like pursuit if he finds out? Anyway, don't plan on telling him about it. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't because DSD will open her mouth and let him know. It's hard to do this GAL thing since everything I do revolves around him... just b/c we were always that couple that did everything together and b/c we truly enjoy all the same things. Mountain biking, hiking, eating/good food, that sort of thing. It's what kept us together for so long, and part of why we're where we are (we stopped doing things as a couple, and it was probably THE most important thing to H)
LOL. Sorry, just feeling a bit nasty.